Partner won’t marry me

[Everythingwillbeokk]

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

Honestly house number 2 is PERFECT!!!! Will mean that DS is in a box room but because there’s a huge living space, I’ve already considered that I could allow for him to have some storage there for his trainer collection, and things he doesn’t wear all the time. It’s just finding a solution, even if it’s temporary. I’m actually thinking with the living space - it’s open plan but is still in 3 distinct sections - that I can do a kids lounge area, and have a separate ‘grown up’ lounge and dining area too. I think this is a decent compromise and I think the kids would love it

Gold luck OP been following, stay safe and stick to your guns xx

Good luck tonight, stay strong, don't let him gaslight you or belittle your feelings. Try and be as unemotional as possible, it'll wrong foot him.

Of course he wants to take up your time talking but only when he is ready. Would you expect anything else?

That's great news. Think you need a new thread! Maybe a different title 🤔

Seen the new thread, and commented.

but now realise it's tonight ! not tomorrow that you are ' talking ' ! good luck

and you sound as if you have taken your safety into consideration.

if he gets angry and throws you out, can you stay at Mums until further notice ?

I didn't realise it was tonight either! I will look out for your update post, or just tell us that you're safe.
I wouldn't talk to him, if he doesn't start talking to you.

@Everythingwillbeokk

Best of luck. Remember that you are entitled to shut down the conversation at any point for any reason or no reason at all. He is not entitled to lecture or harangue, nor to follow you about 'speechifying' if you have said "This conversation is done". I do think you should probably also prepare that for him this 'session' is to bitch/complain about you and/or to give you 1000 reasons why you should stay because he is the best thing ever. He's not likely to sit patiently whilst you explain why you're unhappy with him. And even if he does, it's not likely he'll change on a permanent basis. Remember, he has a helluva lot more to lose (financially and 'domestically') than you do.

As far as the list you made (good for you!) I'd suggest you memorize the main points but not pull it out and read from it. That might appear 'antagonizing' to him. Plus, you don't want him snatching off you, it'll be good for you to have if/when you get into counseling to remind yourself of what you DON'T want.

@Everythingwillbeokk When I was moving out of the marital home I rang estate agents who gave me names of local letting agents. The house I ended up renting for two years the letting agent only got the keys that morning and it had not been marketed yet...
So definitely call them to get your name on the list !!

Op- a practical suggestion; my youngest has the tiny box room. We put her room measurements into a page on the IKEA website and it made a brilliant storage system; fold down desk, floor to ceiling storage, drawers- all packed into a small space. She loves it!

Thanks OP. Hope all went OK tonight

@Everythingwillbeokk How did it go? I hope you are ok

Good luck op!! Go for it

The latest update - today - is on the new thread...