Partner won’t marry me

[Everythingwillbeokk]

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

YANBU. Don't compromise. You need to leave

YANBU but I do think YABU for being with him for so long knowing he doesn’t want to get married and knowing he isn’t interested in buying a house together.

Do you really want to be married to someone who only buys a house and marries you because you are forcing him too? Let that sink in.

He has made his feelings clear as you say, you both want different things, I don’t see how this is going to work out.

He's been open and honest with you, he won't change his mind and you shouldn't change yours on what you want out of life either. This won't work, no point drawing it out with an ultimatum; at least he hasn't strung you along or kept you sweet with false promises and lies.

He expects his children to get all the money from your house that he doesn't contribute towards? What about your children? Crazy!

He's not your partner.

He's your landlord.

Why pay to something that is never yours, or you have control over. Seems like he has all the cards and you just keeping paying into his pot. Stop, prioritize you and yours and move on.

Thanks all. Yes indeed - in the event of his death he states the children would ‘allow’ me to live there until I sorted something else out. And yes he would want me to continue to pay for it

The irony is I suggested to him to sell his house, ringfence his side of the deposit and any further equity is then split between all 4 kids in the event of our deaths. But he refuses this as he wants any future equity I contribute to go to his children only, even if we moved house, he would not want me to be on the mortgage and would always want it solely in his name. This is just where I draw the line.

Thanks all - sometimes you just need a bit of moral support don’t you.

He's made it clear to me this morning that he intends to make the wait I have now in finding a new home for me and my children as awkward and difficult as possible. And no - we have nowhere to go short term.

He is unreasonable to expect you to pay towards a mortgage where you will have no stake on the property. I understand him wanting to ensure his assets go to his children. But that doesn’t have to mean nothing for you. You could own a home together as tenants in common, so you BOTH get to ensure that your respective children inherit.
Did he not make his position on remarriage very clear from the start? There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to get married. But if he future faked, knowing it is what you wanted, that’s wrong. Separating because you want different things is fine. You don’t owe him a relationship,

Both of you are not being unreasonable. You need to put yourself and your children first and leave him now and get security for yourself and your children.
He’s also not being unreasonable by not signing off his children’s inheritance over to you. By paying his mortgage here you mean you’ve been paying like rent to live in his house, because if you didn’t move in with him, you’ll be paying rent where you were before and you won’t expect to have a share of your landlords house just because your rent has been paying his mortgage. That’s just the way he sees your relationship, it’s transactional and not like a family unit.
He’s not stringing you along, he’s made it clear that his children are his priority which is not a bad thing for them but not for you as this just leaves you vulnerable.
There’s no point giving ultimatums, this is how he sees the relationship and you can see this is not what you want so you need to leave him and build a future for you and your children

He's protecting his kids, but why aren't you protecting yours? Why pay into an asset that you have no claim on? Yes I would be looking at buying my own house. You want different things.

100% op. I sympathise with wanting to leave assets to your dc but he lost me totally at you will pay the mortgage for his dc if he died.

Stop putting in to his mortgage from this moment forward, it's absolutely ridiculous! He wants you to pay towards his children's inheritance which basically means nothing for your children when the time comes. I'd draw the line here and move out too

Tbf I get why he wouldn't want to get married again and then for his kids to not inherit his house. I'd feel the same tbh.

Maybe he considers the money you pay towards his mortgage to be rent?

Anyway, yanbu for leaving. You want completely different things.

Yes indeed - in the event of his death he states the children would ‘allow’ me to live there until I sorted something else out. And yes he would want me to continue to pay for it

He would want you to pay the mortgage even AFTER you’d left and ’sorted something else out’?!

Sorry, but what an arse! I would be finding a rental and moving me and my kids out asap.

What a nasty man, he's been using you financially all that time

Please see this through ,this man is using you and does not respect you , if this were me and he suddenly decided to marry me it would be to late .
You are not his priority , so take things into your own hands and be your own priority .
How dare he treat you like this especially as you earn more totally outrageous.
Get things moving and start imagining the lovely new home -YOUR NEW HOME and the lovely new life that is awaiting you.

Absolutely do not pay another penny to this man. At this time of year a lot of Airbnb property owners would welcome a good tenant while you get yourself settled more long term. Might be worth contacting a few?

It's entirely understandable, given that he already has one failed marriage. And he is being totally honest. I don't see what he's done wrong, tbh.

In that hypothetical scenario, If op is living there in the meantime whilst sorting out where to move to and the children can’t sell at the time, who else would be expected to keep paying besides op?

Has he told you this from the start? Or was he open to it beforehand as it seems a long time to only just discover it.
If he was blunt about it from the start, then he will think you were happy about the arrangement however I get as a woman, you think for the right person he'd change his mind.
if he were to die tomorrow, the mortgage wouldn't be transferred to you to pay. If he doesn't have insurance it would simply die with him and be sold by the bank to recoup the balance. Any money left over will be split between his kids if that how he has it set up. Either way, you'd lose your home but you wouldn't be paying for his own kids inheritance.
It's not a situation I would like to be in, I think I'd leave. Can you afford to buy your own?

This might be something to look into - thanks for the idea!

You should ditch him he's a prick.
To be fair you have been somewhat naive here ☝️😐
. . . but haven't we all (God knows I have) and we are all behind you in standing up for yourself✌🏻🤩

He's made it clear to me this morning that he intends to make the wait I have now in finding a new home for me and my children as awkward and difficult as possible. And no - we have nowhere to go short term.

it sounds as if you have a lucky escape OP. I did have some sympathy for his position, I mean he’d at least been honest about it. However, It turns out that in fact he’s just a bog standard arsehole

He's made it clear to me this morning that he intends to make the wait I have now in finding a new home for me and my children as awkward and difficult as possible.

What's happened this morning?
Are you OK?

I'm not sure what you expect from an ultimatum tbh. He does not want to marry you nor does he care what would happen to you should he die.

Why would you even want to marry a man who cares so little for you?