Partner won’t marry me

[Everythingwillbeokk]

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

Doubt he’s relieved since he’s started to act nice and again and wants to talk to the OP.

He’s starting to realise his golden goose is walking away and he’s bricking it.

Agree with other posters. Keep your cards close to your chest.

Make a cheeky offer on the house you like or speak to a broker. A broker worked magic for me (self employed).

Funny that his ex is getting married!!!

He hasn’t thought it through has he? 👀

Yep, clever woman rolled that numpty off her books and moved on. Keep moving forward OP.

I can see the irony. The ex-wife is able to move on in a way that this bloke can’t. She’s not worrying that her new husband might inherit some of their shared estate, is she? Presumably, she’s pretty happy right now whereas her ex is newly single and having to sell his home.

actually isn't it a kick in the teeth for his plans for his children to inherit everything from him, as if Mum owns her home and now marries - her home will go to her new husband on her death and the children may end up with nothing from her.

which puts a bigger burden on him :)

and with the Op intending on moving out, it appears he may struggle to afford the current home by himself...

That's not ops concern nor done know his exs circumstances. He's selfish

@yipyipyipp

I am on the Op's side, and think that her 'd 'p is going to get everything he deserves.

Can’t he get a lodger ?

Who cares what he does?

Keep to your grounds op 💕

Or if the new H has children if his own there will be issues at Wife No. 1 Towers over who gets what. I should imagine after being married to this ‘treat’ in the past she will have organised her life by now. I have no idea who she is, but I hope she has a lovely life.
And I hope OP’s is even lovelier!

People are talking as if the kids will be these poor orphans. They’ll likely not inherit from their parents until they are 50+ if the money hasn’t been spent on care by then. Fine if people want to avoid committed relationships so that they can leave everything to their kids but it’s not okay to use people financially like this man has done by getting the OP to finance his life and telling her he was “coming round” to the idea of marriage. I suspect that wife number one will wind up happier than this miserly twat. And the consequences of leaving it all to your kids of course is that those kids might be married to some scumbag who then bleeds them dry or divorces them and ends up with a big part of the money. You might as well try to be happy.

@Startinganew32 possibly the wisest advice I have ever read on here!

I like this, such a true comment. You’re leaving him behind op, which is infinitely superior to marrying him.

Even I laughed when I read this. You're are doing amazing and are so better off without him. He's using you as a complete meal ticket. Really hope your viewing goes well tomorrow, I'm keeping absolutely everything crossed you love it and get it. I wouldn't even bother to him him out, his actions and behaviour towards you says enough xx

Another thing he has omitted from his calculations, is that having you do the step mothering, helping with lifts, school, homework, clubs, parties, holidays, cleaning, shopping, cooking, helping if they're sick .....is that the care, & happiness his kids are benefitting from is worth more than money, maybe, down the line.

Yes, imagine, as their parent, he's going to have to do all the "wife-work" the OP clearly carried out for his children (as well as her own), all by himself. That'll be a bit of a shock to his system.

He’s definitely bricking it, but that doesn’t alter the sentiment. I wouldn’t accept a proposal from someone who had to be forced, I’d expect that to ricochet whenever there was a dispute ‘I married you, what more do you want’. Erm a willing life partner not a coward.

I dunno ... my dad, also a 'uniform', expected and got full tradwife service from my poor, frazzled mother. When she had to spend a couple of weeks in hospital, we all thought he'd be stuffed and, maybe, realise how hard she worked.

Nope. He treated it like a military exercise, which was no fun, but by golly he was efficient! We were actually early to school, homework finished the night before, little ones in bed with story read precisely to schedule, everything washed and ironed before it was needed.

It probably helped that we were scared of him, so didn't play up. Sorry for the digression, OP! I've got everything crossed for your rental AND a miraculous development on the house-buying front. Hey, maybe you'll be able to buy the ex's house when he can no longer afford it 😏

Just a message to say good luck for tomorrow x this is the start of a new chapter for you and your children. It's crazy that his ex wife is getting married! But hopefully soon none of this will fill your head space! X

Good luck today OP!

Good luck today 🥰

Good luck for today's house viewing from me, too, @Everythingwillbeokk.
Also, about your chat at the week-end, I think what DuckbilledSplatterPuff · wrote on 02/10/2024 21:01, was excellent advice, particularly:

"Given that you know you definitely want to leave and why - might it be better to play your cards a lot closer to your chest for a while until you have got your future plans a lot more concrete. You say that he's been horrid and ignoring you and making you feel bad, is this going to change whilst you are trying to discuss it? And then you'd be stuck with him in the house for the whole weekend, perhaps with a lot of bad feeling.
Satisfying as it might be to give him the bullet point list right now .. you risk him trying to thwart you as much as possible, plus being gaslit and told off by him and being upset by this which might derail you, when you are trying to keep your emotions together and on an even keel."

Good luck for the week-end, too.

OP - how did the house viewing go? We’re all rooting for you! ❤