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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner won’t marry me

964 replies

Everythingwillbeokk · 29/09/2024 13:06

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

OP posts:
Prettyredflowers · 29/09/2024 13:10

You both want different things; neither of you is being unreasonable.

It's brilliant that you are doing something about it though, and building your own security for later life!

BananaGrapeMelon · 29/09/2024 13:11

Good for you OP. This would be a deal breaker for me too.

Rainwind65 · 29/09/2024 13:12

Well done OP. He is telling you exactly where you are in his priorities, and you should listen to him.

Put you and your children first by leaving him, and NOT paying for his assets which will reduce what you can give to your children.

Good luck!

ClickClickety · 29/09/2024 13:12

YANBU and you need to follow through and leave when he holds firm to his position.

Even if he did join finances I'm not sure he's the right person for you anyway.

Nanny0gg · 29/09/2024 13:13

Everythingwillbeokk · 29/09/2024 13:06

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

You need to see a solicitor pronto to see what comes of the money you've already handed over

And it would be perfectly possible to ringfence everyone's contribution but as he's no partner I wouldn't bother

Nothanks17 · 29/09/2024 13:14

Glad you are planning on leaving, can't believe he doesn't want anything for you.

NahNotHavingIt · 29/09/2024 13:14

Neither of you are being unreasonable but he sounds like a selfish dick.

So I'd go it alone for that reason.

araiwa · 29/09/2024 13:15

He is prioritizing his children

I wouldn't want to get married in his position either.

Kendodd · 29/09/2024 13:15

He's told you were you stand. You can't complain that he's strung you along or anything, he's been completely clear. I wouldn't bother with the ultimatum, I'd just get your ducks in a row and leave.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 29/09/2024 13:15

Stop paying towards his mortgage and pay something else instead. Don't be swayed if he has a 'change of heart's and offers marriage down the road sometime. It'll probably be a ploy to keep the status quo. But good for you. Follow through on your decision to go.

Peonies12 · 29/09/2024 13:15

Why on earth have you been contributing to his mortgage. He’s allowed to not want to get married again. Good on you for leaving though, if it’s not what you want. You might want to see a solicitor to see if you can recoup the money you’ve paid to his mortgage.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/09/2024 13:15

I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t

Then that's it, isn't it? Why you ever moved into his house is beyond me. He doesn't want what you want and he's a blatant user to boot. Stop wasting your life and money on this man.

pinkdelight · 29/09/2024 13:16

I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t

That's the bottom line and neither is BU to stick to their guns. Best to call it quits.

Canneversleep · 29/09/2024 13:16

You are definitely not BU. I would have done the same although not waited as long. Personally I would buy another property anyway, you can then either live in it or rent it out. Show your independence and see how he reacts to it. Stop paying towards his mortgage and pay more towards your own. You’re letting him take advantage. You don’t mention how old the children are but I’m not sure they benefit from his pension after a certain age anyway. Also a lot of pensions will still pay to partners who show they were living together and financially attached for 2 years prior to death, this also doesn’t reduce the children’s benefit.

also unless it’s in his will, if he dies then you don’t get to stay in the house, it goes straight to his children and so you’re depending on them to let you stay.

Autumnowl · 29/09/2024 13:16

Don't give him the chance to string you along and say marriage in a couple of years ..
He's had long enough already

Itonlytakesone · 29/09/2024 13:17

Rainwind65 · 29/09/2024 13:12

Well done OP. He is telling you exactly where you are in his priorities, and you should listen to him.

Put you and your children first by leaving him, and NOT paying for his assets which will reduce what you can give to your children.

Good luck!

Great advise

Incakewetrust · 29/09/2024 13:18

You're not his priority and as you've said, should something happen to him, you're financially screwed.
Leave him and put yourself and your children first.

cheezncrackers · 29/09/2024 13:19

Look out for yourself OP and if this relationship isn't giving you what you want, walk away. TBH, as he has kids, I don't think he is being unreasonable to not want to marry you and risk their inheritance going to you/your kids. But he is entirely unreasonable to expect you to pay his mortgage after his death, yet have no claim on the property - that is clearly blatantly unfair. So plan for your old age accordingly. Buy your own property. Make sure you have your own good pension provision. And make a will ensuring that your kids get everything.

IsleOfPenguinBollards · 29/09/2024 13:22

I would stop contributing to his mortgage, buy my own property and get out. I can understand him wanting his children to inherit his estate, but it sounds as though he wants them to inherit your money as well! You need to put yourself and your own children first.

KezzaMucklowe · 29/09/2024 13:22

You both want different things which is fine. As sad as it is you're not compatible. I think it's best to cut your losses and leave to live independently.

Cosyblankets · 29/09/2024 13:23

He wants you to pay the mortgage until the house is sold to benefit his kids and you get nothing?
I've heard it all now

RandomMess · 29/09/2024 13:29

YANBU to refuse to pay his mortgage when it leaves you and your DC financially vulnerable.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 29/09/2024 13:30

You are definitely not being unreasonable

he’s’ been very clear where you stand so it looks like there’s no future

walk away - protect yourself & your DC

JumpstartMondays · 29/09/2024 13:32

Prettyredflowers · 29/09/2024 13:10

You both want different things; neither of you is being unreasonable.

It's brilliant that you are doing something about it though, and building your own security for later life!

This. You don't sound compatible. You are not aligned in what you both want so now it's time to take separate paths.

Don't leave yourself vulnerable.

80smonster · 29/09/2024 13:32

Everythingwillbeokk · 29/09/2024 13:06

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

Why did you sign up in the first place? I’d buy my own place in that case, do you have funds in place to do so now? Sounds like he isn’t taking you seriously because you aren’t in a position to negotiate. Worst case scenario, you buy your own place, and then you have an asset to rent/sell/allow your own kids to inherit.