Partner won’t marry me

[Everythingwillbeokk]

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

How has your day been @Everythingwillbeokk ?

Just an update all to let you know today hasn’t been quite as thoroughly painful as I expected. I am ok. Not thriving, the pain is still in my chest, I still want to cry.

I was so tired this morning so I decided to have a McDs breakfast after the school run then sit on the sofa and chill watching a series and have a bit of a snooze. Actually the first meal I’ve eaten since Saturday. He was in the same room working albeit not next to me. I probably showed a little bit of how bad I’m feeling right now by having a nap, but I needed to rest. Then I’ve worked and sorted kids this afternoon.

Had to change house viewing to Friday as I have a priority work meeting tomorrow and I need to prioritise earning at the moment - it’s fine as there’s no other viewings on the house at the moment apparently. I also had to hunt it out - it’s only on zoopla (in all of my years I don’t think ive ever looked on zoopla before) and I’ll be really honest - I have never heard of the estate agents before yet it’s literally in my local area. Maybe this is a good thing for me - no major competition. Also I’ve already mentioned I have a dog and they seem ok with this - which is great because we had to practically smuggle and hide her in our old rental like a Mexican drug lord!!!

Hes actually starting to act quite ‘normal’ - I think he thinks I’ll change my mind. I have agreed - by his request - to talk to him over the weekend when the children are not here - I won’t risk an argument with children in the house (we have traditionally never been shouty when we’ve argued but you never know how someone else might behave do you) - but from my perspective it’s so I can clearly and very calmly discuss all the reasons we are splitting up - I’ve actually done a bullet pointed list. I might even print and laminate it for him!

For now though I’ve moved my filing cabinet box with all the passports and paperwork we need into my boot. I’ll deposit this somewhere else as soon as I can.

Good for you for taking time for food, self-care and rest. I really hope the house works out.

Just play along, let him be lulled into a false sense of security so that he doesn't take any action to thwart you in coming days. He'll be thinking that he's going to talk you round this weekend. Let him think that for now. Wait until you have your next home/next steps secured.

Good luck.

@Everythingwillbeokk

It's funny/not funny how emotional upheaval can drain our energy sometimes even more that physical activity, isn't it? Nap all you want, it's restorative.

I think he thinks you've already calmed down and are pretty much back in your box. Prepare on Saturday for all anything from criticism and recriminations to sorts of promises, possibly even a proposal, to ensure the lid is snapped shut. Just remember that he is a liar and is basically interested in keeping you there to insure his (and his DC) financial future. And that you are entitled to shut down the discussion and/or walk away at any time. You can control the narrative, should you choose.

And if by some chance his 'narrative' ends up being that a split is 'his idea', just roll with it and don't bother to argue. Your goal of getting out will still be accomplished and if he needs to preserve his frail male ego, who really cares?

I was driving home from work this afternoon and wondered how you had been today, so thank you for the update.
Good news re the filing cabinet box - just make sure he doesn't access your car keys at all.
and my fingers are tightly crossed re the rental 1. I hope you like it and 2. I hope you get it if you like it.
Do you know when it is available from ?

Good for you, OP. He’s likely shitting himself because his refusal to commit has come to roost and he’s about to lose his access to (your) family car, his holidays (paid for by you), his mortgage topper-upper (you), and the future security you provided in the instance of his death, by paying his mortgage in full until his kids are old enough to inherit the property (and you walk away with 0). He’s taking the absolute piss and he knows it; his actions mean that he now must sell a home that he cannot afford without a partner. I’m going to bet money that he will try every excuse under the sun this weekend—he’s sorry; this is your fault; you’re too old/ugly/[insert insult here] to ever meet another catch as good as him; the kids will be sad; etc etc etc… Just hold your ground and reply with a simple, “Our values don’t align and it’s time for us both to move on.” On repeat.

Thank you! It’s available immediately! Honestly it’s not usually what I’d go for but I’m looking at it as temporary. It’s also got a driveway and a garage for the kids bikes and bits of things we need to store. I’m doing really well at work at the moment, my earnings are good. I feel in such a fortunate position - there’s lots of ladies who go through this who aren’t as fortunate. If I keep going like I can buy me and the kids a home in the next 12 months and have a more than decent deposit for it. The rent isn’t much more than what I’d expect to be paying on a mortgage so I don’t feel like it’s expensive. I can still save money each month. There’s light at the end of the tunnel.

He will go down the ‘youre damaged’ route - yes I am. I’ve been emotionally, mentally and financially abused. I’m hurt. I probably won’t ever trust anyone again. I’m broken - but I’ve got my kids, I’ve got my team, I don’t need to let anyone in again unless they are good for us.

I'd make sure the estate agent is real, and it's not a scam, especially if you've not heard of them before. They've not asked for a holding deposit to reserve it for you, hopefully!
Otherwise I'm glad you are starting to get those ducks into a row and sound more positive.

"Well, sure, I'm damaged, but I'm not with you anymore pal, and I'm very at peace with that. You take care you thundering poncing fucknuckle dear"

Absolutely agree with every negative he spiuts, and confirm that it is why it is better you split asap.

I wouldn't waste any energy explaining shit to him.

Calm, measured, simply repeating that splitting is best for everyone, asap.

I don’t think that either of you are being unreasonable, you just want different things. I’d stop contributing to his mortgage though and if you can’t find a compromise on the commitment then I’d leave.

Sorry, just noticed that you are! Good for you for being so strong.

I've been reading your story, and your story is a great example how important it is for women to be financially independent. Good luck with everything!

Don’t ever let a man tell you that you are damaged goods! Just hold up your hand and say “No. No personal comments. We are splitting and all discussions should remain businesslike.I am courteous to you and I expect the same from you.” Don’t stay in the same room to be abused.

You sound so positive - even if it is you putting on a brave face !
The rental isn't forever, it's to be a safe secure haven for as long as you need it.
Choosing a rental is so different to choosing a property to purchase, altho some people do choose to buy their rentals if they come up for sale.

There is a vague possibility he has discussed this with a friend/sibling/solicitor & been told he has it all wrong, & you cannot be expected to finance his dc at the detriment of your own.
My feeling is he's going to try & persuade you to stay as particularly, he cant pay his mortgage, & wont have your car !!!
You need to have thought about how you will feel, (relief? anger? ) & how you respond..
Bear in mind he may get extremely angry. So make sure you have a safety plan

Our last rental was literally us selling our house and moving to a better area - but it was such a competitive area to move to! I had to fight for a house!

But it was unbelievably beautiful - bay window perfect for a Christmas tree, lovely garden, driveway, everything new, neutral, new carpets. We were so lucky to get it. I was like a dog with a bone to get it.

Right now X-DPs house is lovely too. Annoyingly there’s what I would class as my dream forever home for sale about 5 minutes walk away from here - I’m short on the deposit.

I am positive - because that’s all I have - I’m determined. I’m going to make it. It will all be ok. The fight is in me.

You are amazing OP, but I agree he may well try to back track and plead for his children, whilst not giving a shiny shit about yours!
He hasn't an ounce of fundamental respect for you, so likely thinks he can bullshit you into staying.
You really need to step away from all this looking after of his children.
They are not your responsibility.
I so hope you get that house.
The sooner you are out of there the better.

"From my perspective it’s so I can clearly and very calmly discuss all the reasons we are splitting up - I’ve actually done a bullet pointed list. I might even print and laminate it for him!"

I don't want to dissuade you if you've made up your mind, as You know him and the situation best and if you've decided it's the best way forward then go for it,

But

Given that you know you definitely want to leave and why - might it be better to play your cards a lot closer to your chest for a while until you have got your future plans a lot more concrete. You say that he's been horrid and ignoring you and making you feel bad, is this going to change whilst you are trying to discuss it? And then you'd be stuck with him in the house for the whole weekend, perhaps with a lot of bad feeling.

Satisfying as it might be to give him the bullet point list right now .. you risk him trying to thwart you as much as possible, plus being gaslit and told off by him and being upset by this which might derail you, when you are trying to keep your emotions together and on an even keel.

Might it be better to decide how you want to do things and proceed with that so that things are almost in place, before being talked into doing things differently, to suit him?

Once you have made your arrangements, then you could do the talk, (perhaps with some back up) if you feel he's not going to take it meekly.

"Yes, I've been damaged by shitty men. And I'm ending this relationship to ensure another one doesn't do any more damage".

The more you say about him OP, the more he sounds like a complete arsehole. Do not let him suck you back in or neg you. You've got this.

"Do what is safe but don’t pussyfoot around. Just be matter of fact."

I think this is good advice.
Keep calm and carry on!

Your partner has been completely honest with you. I wouldn’t want to be with him either - but he’s been honest. You know where he stands.

Personally, I think the ultimatum was pointless. Forcing him to marry won’t work. You know what’s important to him - either accept it or leave.

Go get legal advise. In my country you’d need a financial divorce - and you’d have equity from the house you’ve been paying for (one reason I’d never live in a house I own with a partner - we either rent together or buy together so no confusion).

Maybe RTFT next time...

I read the bulleted list is the list of reasons for splitting up, not what OP's plans are. You should not tell him your plans ever - where, when or how. Just be very vague and say you are still figuring things out.

But I would agree it is actually safer for you OP to have that reasons for splitting convo as close as if not after you have moved out. If he realises that is no changing your mind, I hope he does not change his tack and is no longer Mr Nice Guy but you and your dc are still stuck in the house with him. In fact best to have that convo outside the house and in a public place (again, ideally after you have moved out).

Must you have this convo at all? Surely he knows your red lines by now. You don't owe him anything nor are you obliged to give him a chance to change your mind or put you down.