Partner won’t marry me

[Everythingwillbeokk]

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

IT’S HOUSE DAY!!! Woohoo!!!

Well it’s Friday - and I’m trying with every bit of myself to be positive. I’ve had a total meltdown this morning and I’m truly grateful I haven’t bumped into anyone I know on the school run.

Viewed the house! It’s ok! Choosing to be positive!

Good points - it’s got an actual hallway. lounge is gorgeous. There’s a driveway. New carpets throughout. It’s on what I would class as the better side of a busy street. My daughter could probably walk to school - it’s also close to the high school I want her to go to so she still stands a good chance at being in the catchment for it.

Bad points - box room is TINY! So figured could use the second reception room as a bedroom for one of the kids, use box room as an office. Means no dining area but can get the kids little fold out tables and they can eat on the sofa. Garden is just a mess - it’s really obviously been a ‘display’ garden at one point - it’s mainly a pond plus tiny patio (reckon I could fill in the pond???) Windows are awful but I bet with a bit of thorough clean and caulking the edges we can get them looking ok. Kitchen is really tired - again I’m praying it looks better with a good clean. But it does have a lovely new glass hob.

I’ve negotiated on the monthly rent - I’ve asked for the application forms - so so far so good! It’s temporary - I keep telling myself this. But it’s a temporary move in the right direction.

It's a stepping stone to happiness for you 🥰🥰

Good for you.
Giving it a good clean will give you something to focus on. Therapy!

A pond! Awesome. 🤞for you.

I would jump in OP! No home is going to be a dream home right now, but it’s better than the Nightmare Towers you currently reside in.
You are still in shock, you have the weekend to get through, we are all cheering you on.
There is a chance your DP could come up with all sorts of bells and whistles but you don’t need us to tell you he’s thinking about his wallet first.
Don’t budge, keep your powder dry and get out!
Just think you and your lovely DC could have a fantastic Christmas in your new home. Bugger worrying about the pond and the kitchen cabinets.
What you will have is peace of mind and no more having to deal with the miserable plod you live with now!
(I still can’t believe he asked you to request your inheritance early what a CF!)

Rental property sounds eminently workable OP - grab it, you can always keep looking for something better, its not forever and it has the stunning feature of 'not having your ex living in it'...

Best of luck!

Sounds great! Its just a rental not a forever home.

Go for it.

My friend's rental had a very sticky kitchen when she moved in (leaving an abusive boyfriend). I had arranged to stay in on parcel signing duty while her and her other friends went and moved her out of her old place and I managed to make a massive improvement on the kitchen with just human power, a scourer and washing up liquid.

Nowhere is going to be optimal but it sounds manageable and getting out has to be the primary aim at the moment given it sounds like the rental market isn't super fast moving where you live.

Box room as office sounds good.

Go for it, as others have said. You are lucky to be able to move.
I'm sure you'll be able to manage, especially as it's temporary. Good luck.

Whoop! Was wondering how it was going.
As someone who moved a lot as a kid – one of us always got the box room; this is a temporary fix until you find somewhere you can buy, so maybe whichever child gets the box room gets first dibs in the new house when you get it.
I’m only thinking that meals together round a table could be important as you all adjust to the new place, and keeps your kids talking to you and each other. I used to learn a lot from listening to my kids chat to each other at meals, things they might not necessarily say to me… but obviously you do what works for you, if you need the separate office space.
Not sure about whether you can fill in the landlord’s pond, maybe you could put a decked cover over it?
With the kitchen – in our old place, we spend years with the cupboards covered in fablon (think B&Q still sell it) before we could afford to replace. Might be an option, to make it less tired-looking. Also, those companies that do a deep clean are great - usually before moving out, but could get one done of the kitchen before you unpack your stuff. Unless cleaning is therapy for you. Tisn’t for me!
Main thing is, as you say, it’s temporary – a stepping stone to a better place. Hope it all comes together 😎

The rental represents freedom for you.
Take it if you get it, it's not forever - it's freedom ! and independence from him and his house / mortgage.

It will look better with your appliances i.e. kettle and toaster in the kitchen, and once you move in you will make the place feel like home, and it is not forever !

Home is where the heart is. It’s just a stepping stone.

You mentioned he wanted to talk, and you have agreed to this weekend as the children are away.

does this mean your children are away, and his children are away too ?

Please be very very very careful - this weekend could become the most dangerous one in your relationship.

ask if you can at least empty the pond - assuming it has not got fish in it ! otherwise you may find your dog is in it constantly, and depending on the size of your dog it could be dangerous for the dog i.e. the difference in a shih tzu ' v ' a labrador.

OP, you can make this work.
A good clean and caulking will help.
The convience to school is a really huge plus.
The office sounds handy and you might look out for a narrow table with two leaf drops. They are so handy but trays can work too.
This is a godsend on your way to where you want to be.
Make ig work and get out of his house asap.
You have got this.

Box room could work with storage of clothes etc in another room?

as PP said you might want to want to keep the dining room to get together for meals

I agree with this poster - I am sooooo happy for you and please do take this house, HOWEVER I would limit the time to talk to an hour or so and have made plans to be elsewhere (at a set time so if you don't show up someone will notice). I know it sounds dramatic but trust me, women have died/been seriously injured 'having a chat' with an abusive man who may well be spiralling with his ex re-marrying and you actually leaving him. Just keep yourself safe, you have to get out and start your new life with your DC.

let us know what happened over the weekend please - I've been glued to this thread😀

House sounds great. You can spruce it up. I hope you get it!

Is it vacant now; no tenants to clear out?

Yikes! So I’ve submitted forms to estate agents and they have said as someone else has viewed and applied quicker they will come back to me on it.

But as it is, another one on the next street has come up on Right Move today - it’s nicer. I have to believe this is happening for a reason. It’s only £100 a month more and it’s got a brand new kitchen and the garden is bigger, fully turfed and has a huge patio too. I’ve booked to view next Friday and yes, this is apparently the day they have booked for viewings….. sigh.

I will also keep looking. Keeping positive!

In answer - yes we are having a chat later. And yes no kids this weekend. It does also appear he has already made plans for a night out this weekend with friends which again is out of character for him, he hardly ever goes out. So perhaps he is going to be just formally accepting that I’m leaving. We will see!

Can you check the second house out now? Have a look through the downstairs windows if it’s empty, then put an application in before viewing?

Stick the application in now, withdraw and take the financial hit if it's unsuitable.

Please keep us updated, or else we will worry ❤️

Good idea! Have a snoop around and apply if no red flags externally! Then you will be ahead of hour competition.
Does it cost much to submit an application?