Partner won’t marry me

[Everythingwillbeokk]

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

R.e him going out - it's more then likely he's trying to bravado, ni matter his commitment there is always ego damage

OP, I’d be asking the agent if there’s anything you can do to get pushed up the list.

I don’t see how any woman wouldn’t be rooting for you, OP. Get your ducks in a row and leave him to reap the rewards of his own selfish entitled behaviour.

Great news . This is the first of many positive things in the future you are creating for yourself and your children . No matter how much he begs or what he promises don’t change your mind . You can do this xx

@Everythingwillbeokk Are you going to be starting another thread on this situation soon? Won't be long until this one is full and I am so rooting for you to get another accommodation and get away from your Partner?

I agree with other posters, submit an application ASAP for the new property and keep your fingers crossed that you are ahead of the game

Go over and peer at the nicer house, and put in the application right now! Too frustrating to wait until next week.

It would be worth forfeiting the fee if you step over the threshold next week and don't like it; if you DO like it you'll be a week closer to moving in. Are there any photos you can review?

Ooh this is a great idea.

I’ve driven over to the other house - eeek I really like it! It’s very tidy at the front and it’s massive in the living area!

ive called the estate agents again - they have said all viewings are on Friday and nobody can claim it before then. Apparently all applications are submitted to the landlord for him to decide. I’m tempted to submit a letter to convince him we are who he should choose - would that be too much do you think?

No, go for it!

Is the rent reasonable? You could offer an extra £25 month.

Good luck for the week-end - just nod and smile, don't say anything about your plans and above all, don't let him persuade you that you deserve to carry on paying his mortgage for him and doing all the skivvying just because he is a man who thinks he is better than you.

No. That's how I got my little house. I wrote a heartfelt letter to the owners and they picked me, even though another party offered a bit more.

Do whatever it takes. Do you have the landlord's contact information?

If it's doable a landlord often likes 3 or 6 months rent in advance which can bump you up the queue.

I can afford to do this x

Good idea, if you have the funds, OP.

I know someone who wrote a letter explaining why she was the best tenant to choose and was chosen. What do you have to lose! When do you have to pay a deposit for the first one if that goes through though?

I did it too - a very long time ago. Apparently my letter swung it.

I sympathise with wanting to write a letter but personally would be a tiny bit wary about giving away too much personal information - you don't know how people will react - but offering good deposit / possible extra rent sounds a good idea! The landlord's main concern may be making sure his property is kept in good condition.

Ok I’ll start writing a letter this weekend ready for next week - then I’ve got plenty time to add to it or change it. I might also see if I can get a reference from the previously lettings agency from years ago. I’ll mention also about the offer to pay rent in advance and tell them a little bit about all of us.

Hopefully we will get this one! Area wise it’s slightly further away from DDs school but still in the catchment for the high school - definitely as I saw kids from that school heading in that direction this afternoon!

I think the one this afternoon didn’t work out for a reason - I think it wasn’t meant for me.

Hopefully ll is on your and routing for you too ... stranger things have happened...

I agree with you OP, you werent meant to have the house you saw today because you like this second one so much better! Wish you all the best in that you get it, you deserve it

Please make new thread and tag link here. I've been invested inn the story and would hate to miss how it ends, like poster above and so many others.

Congratulations on new steps, I love seeing strong women getting out of situations ifs really inspiring.

Your story will help others. Keep going op and keep us posted. We all rooting for you.

Will add a new thread tomorrow once I have an update on my evening. It’s the night we are talking so I’ll be very interested to see what he comes out with - and indeed how he tries to shoot down all my points against him

I have now increased all my ‘issues’ with him to 2 full pages of A4 paper, typed and printed. It was quite therapeutic writing it all down, I can see just how unreasonable he has been, what an utter love blind fool I have been. Just got home - and would you believe I’m actually sat here waiting until he is ready to talk! I’ll give him till 8pm then I’ll just start

For anyone worried about me - I’ve 2 friends within a short walking distance I can go to. And I have another friend who is checking on me from a distance - we’ve arranged for me to show as active on my WhatsApp every half hour as a check in. If they don’t get a check in they are calling me/coming over. They also have an emergency number to call - a cop we know who is also off duty this evening but on call for me.

I have also decided once this is all over and I’ve moved on to get some counselling sessions. I just want to be me again.

OP, do not get tied to the idea that a property is meant for you.
A property can be suitable for a variety of reasons.
Decades ago I was very stuck and moved into a shit hole that had cock roaches 🙄disaster.
However, one month later a fab apartment in the best location, super low rent, fell into my lap and I was able to move in quickly.
I blissfully lived there for 5 years. My husband actually moved in with me as I wouldn't move from the apartment as the deal and location was too perfect.
If I hadn't moved into the shithole for a month, I wouldn't have gotten it.
The first house may work for you short term too.
Wishing you well.

Good luck for tonight OP! X

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5180232-partner-wont-marry-me-thread-2

New thread all - was concerned we might fill up comments this evening. Will continue to post on this old one though until it’s full