Partner won’t marry me

[Everythingwillbeokk]

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

Thanks for the update. It is a concern that you have a pain in your chest - I hadn't picked that up before - and I think you should check with the doctor. This is obviously taking a heavy toll on you and your health, although you are maintaining your spirit with admirable deternination and grit.

I wouldn't show him any list. You don't know how it might rile him or what the reaction might be. Don't show your hand but be reserved and by keeping it vague and undefined, use his desire for rapprochement to give you an extra bit of breathing space to plan your move. And get those vital papers out of the car as soon as possible. Things can happen with cars and you don't want to lose them.

As far as that house you would like to buy, do go and get the particulars and have a chat with the estate agent. I don't know how much you are short but it's not necessarily fatal to hopes of buying. Sometimes a solution can be found and if there is a way, a good agent will know how to make it happen. And as someone said above, do check out the letting agent. It's true there are sometimes dodgy ones or scammers setting up as if they are bona fide agents.

I would not be having that talk until you have a signed tenancy agreement. I’d stall, be wishy washy, say you’re not sure what to do, are hurt etc and then only tell him when you are able to move out.

He sounds like a selfish man his way or no way! He wants all that goes with commitment but not the actual commitment! Leave when you can dont look back he has told you all you need to know. You deserve better than him. Nobody gets married thinking they will divorce horrible as it is divorce happens he has a weird way of looking at that. I don’t think many women would accept what he is saying move on be happy.

When you have the 'discussion' at the weekend, perhaps you don't need to say much.

I don't know him of course but imagine that he will be very happy to explain your position to you and why he is right. Quiet from you will not be unwelcome or unexpected?

Usually, I'm all for putting things straight.
However, I do wonder whether you need to correct him or point out how poor a partner he is being?

You know these things to be true.

He isn't likely to 'see the light' and change, whatever you say. His arguments are not likely to make you see him in the old way again ....but pointing this out isn't going to make you happier.

Arguing your case will probably just lead to a rubbish weekend or even let him see what your plans are.

He will go down the ‘youre damaged’ route - yes I am.

He gets worse.

Lucky escape you've had there. He did you a favour.

Annoyingly there’s what I would class as my dream forever home for sale about 5 minutes walk away from here - I’m short on the deposit.

Can you go see a mortgage broker to see if you can come up with something to make this work?

Are you sure you can't afford it? Could you make an offer?

What about if you took a 30-35 year mortgage for now and reduce it down in a few years.

Good Morning ladies! Well you really couldn’t make my life up. Lastnight I absolutely kid you not, his ex wife has announced she is remarrying.

He told me and I just couldn’t hold it in - I think an actual maniacal cackle left my mouth.

How does his ex wife remarrying affect or or change things? or does he just want you to feel sorry for him?

It’s just the complete irony of the timing of it

This. He is not being unreasonable for wanting to protect his assets for his children, and he has always been completely candid about his expectations. Why did you expect his attitude to change? By all means find somewhere else to live and disentangle yourself from this situation. But there's no point giving ultimatums (ultimata?), as he had never offered anything other than he is offering now. Just leave.

Not really. If he has no interest in remarrying, the timing of his ex-wife's decision to remarry is of no consequence.

Don’t do that. It’s unlikely to stay her dream home if it’s 5 minutes from him!

Actually, OP, having read your other posts and seen what a peach this man is, I have much more sympathy for your position. Don't pay another penny into the common pot. If he's going to behave like a twat, why should you be out of pocket. And no more housework, if you can bear it. What a wanker.

I have a few disagreements with your post:
*op says they planned to buy a house together but he kept changing goalposts
*he told her he's warming to an idea of marriage in the past
*he's not protecting his assets, he's increasing them at @Everythingwillbeokk expense.
At the end of the day, he's taking advantage. She had love induced blindness and is now seeing that they are not compatible.

@Everythingwillbeokk I think the timing of this is great too!
Sort of like divine intervention !! 😅

Hope it goes well with the house you've seen.

And really well done for all the efforts you've been making! Take care. ☺️

He’s going to have to sell up now so he’s unlikely to be five minutes away.

Logically no, but the 2 women who've been significant in his life have now left him and are moving forward with their lives and he will be on his own and going backwards (selling house as he can't afford it on his own, downsizing to somewhere smaller or in a not as nice area, or going into rented, and in the process possibly having to spend thousands from the equity he was so keen to preserve for his kids.) He's going to feel it.

I see what you mean. That would make me even more fearful of his wrath if I were the OP, actually. Definitely cards close to chest and stealth/surprise moving out asap, @Everythingwillbeokk, I repeat

Not really, he doesn't want to marry you regardless so I'm not sure why. He maybe feels relief if anything!

Relief? The guy is going to lose his house. I don't think he's a bit relieved.

If you really don't want to get married, hearing someone else is getting married usually just reaffirms your decision. I'm sure he'll be fine, more women shouldn't choose a miserable option just because it keeps a nicer roof over their head.

Oh he'll survive. He'll just have less to leave his children, which ironically is his reason for not buying a house with the OP.

I think there are a few schemes for people who don’t have much of a mortgage saved - you should look into them! Failing that could you ask a family member to go guarantor or loan you the amount you are short on a mortgage and then take in a tenant for the first year to help pay them back quickly? Also maybe consider a shared ownership house. In the meantime don’t give that man any more money for bills or otherwise - tell him he still owes his half for holidays if he asks!

Whatever you do don’t let him sweet talk you into staying at the weekend, remember the man has already lied to you and strung you along!