DD is pregnant and I’m shit scared.

[ThisOchreCat]

Back story with me: I had my first two children young (age 18 and 20). Both my oldest girls are now 26 and 24. I have 3 younger children with my second husband who are 9, 7 and 3.

My 24 year old has come tonight and told me she is pregnant. I want to be happy, truly I do, but I broke down in tears and found myself telling her she needs to get an abortion. I adore my children, I wouldn’t be without any of them. But I haven’t signed on the dotted line to raise my grandchild which is what ultimately will end up happening.

She has had problems with drugs in the past (although suspect current use) and her on/off boyfriend is a POS basically- she has come running home to me and my husband (her step father) multiple times over the course of their 6 year relationship because he has physically assaulted her, trashed her home, one time smashed the windows on her car. He’s turned up at our address and had him arrested from here countless times.

He is in every shape and form a controlling, manipulative dickhead and we won’t tolerate him being in our home or around our younger children. It came close at one point to me and my husband (her stepdad) cutting her off. Our relationship is strained but at the end of the day she is my daughter. Contact between her and our younger children is strictly supervised either by one of us or by my eldest.

Anyway, my abortion comment has gone down like a cup of cold sick. I’ve pointed out with her medical history (she’s been admitted to hospital after drug/drink binge sessions and once after being severely assaulted by her partner) and namely her partners criminal record the likelihood of them being able to keep the child is slim as social services will be informed when she goes for her first appointment. She doesn’t want to see that. She thinks all will be hunky dory and they can finally live happily ever after. And if it does go wrong…she knows I will do everything in my power to ensure my grandchild doesn’t go into care even though I’m done with the nappies, the sleepless nights etc etc

I know what’s going to happen. He’s going to either finally get in the car and leave forever because he’s a man child and won’t step up to the plate or it’s going to be the same shit but with a child in tow when she comes crying to the door. Not to mention, and as awful as I feel writing this, she isn’t mother material. She doesn’t have a clue how exhausting it can be. I have raised children for 26 years of my life now- more than half of it.

We are currently sat awake waiting for inevitable abusive phone call or knock on the door from her partner. We have sent our youngest kids to my husband’s sisters for the weekend as we imagine we will have to yet again get the police involved.

AIBU for saying what I said and how I feel?

I think you should be guided by your daughter.

she will have to take responsibility for her child… the father is unfortunately especially for the child… she will have to shape up!

I can't offer any advice OP but I think you are being very responsible and reasonable tbh. I appreciate some will say you have no right to say this, but based on history and current circumstances, I don't find anything you say to be cruel.

If you were without other children, full of energy and time and patience, maybe you'd feel different knowing you had resources left to pick up the slack. But you don't and you'll feel so responsible to any baby if DD can't do it.

Agree

Sending op a hug x

It’s horrible for you. I get it totally given the circumstances. It has to come from her but sadly you’ll probably bear the consequences though.

Best case scenario he ups and goes, she gets herself together and raises her child well. Wishing that for you and that unborn child.

Gosh this sounds incredibly stressful and I can totally understand why you said what you did- it sounds like you're expecting to be asked to help out a lot. You're right in thinking SS may well be interested and if things become that serious, you might well be asked if you'll provide support to DD and baby. Sorry you're going through this, especially with younger children to keep shielded from it all.

I can't imagine how incredibly painful and difficult this has been for all of you over the years op. There's so much hurt and trauma here and ultimately you want the best for her.

I can absolutely see why you feel the way you do and why you've reacted the way you have. But I can also see why she's reacted in the way she has too. She's also been through a lot of hurt and pain and she probably feels that this is an opportunity to have something meaningful and loving in her life.

Ultimately, it's her body and her choice and you're right- if she is going to do this she will need your support. But also your faith in her. Which I understand is a big ask with what's happened in the past.

I've seen a lot of people turn things around for a child. And I've seen people who haven't been able to. But it's her choice if she decides to go down the road of becoming a parent and social services will lay out very clearly what she needs to do in order to keep her child. They should as a first step be doing what they can to help your dd get to a place where she is able to parent safely. That will mean ditching the drugs and the abusive partner. This is probably the line I'd be taking with her - that if she really wants to do this then she needs to choose herself first over him. If she goes through with the pregnancy I really hope this is the motivation and the turning point for her...

There's no point in beating yourself up for what has been said, but I'd be doing what I can to support her because that in turn supports the baby she might go on to have. She's going to need people who believe she has a chance at succeeding in this.

Unfortunately she won't have to shape up. There's lots of grandparents who have residency of their grandchildren.

OP think about if you'll foster the baby, if asked, or have your DD to live with you. I'd tell her that from now on, the Police will be called if she has had to flee and he comes near your door. I'd tell her that you are going to report any drug use from either of them. But that's me. In the cases of babies who have died in the care of drug addicts/chaotic parents, wider family have minimised the risk.

Bringing a baby into this situation is lunacy.

Of course he won't ''step up''.

Baby will be possibly born addicted- what a wretched life for that baby.

An early termination would be best.

Either that or early adoption.

Living with a violent man is going to be very risky for the child and your Daughter.

What an awful situation to be in. You are right to be concerned and shocked, this is very distressing for everyone. Even though the decision is not up to you, I completely understand why you would have suggested an abortion.

Flowers, hand holds and best wishes.

@Guavafish1 - what shit is that?
suspected still using drugs,has not shown a grain of self preservation or sense and is "trapped"in abusive relationship the op stted hs just aqbout ended theres and is considered a "risk"to her little sisters.
where the hell did you miss that info?wow.
suppose you think THIS will mke a man of him too aye
@ThisOchreCat has been heartfelt,honest. and you just hit her with THAT?wow.
@ThisOchreCat suggesting/heavily leaning toward advising abortion makes sense.Your totally justified and probably banq on wiith predict next stages/end result. Never gony be popular for suggest it and (its not news)
Your daughter didni come to you look for support to do that tho.?was it more...
shes having a baby?
its upsetting frustrating ridiculous.dickhead wont fuck off now.(i dont think).
encouraging her to leave qnd all shit that goes with it would be as close to ideal s you may get.Shes 24 but as dependant right now as your 3 yr old.Shes not managing her life at moment. may be offer/deliver protected support and help her is the only viable option.? that said...they dont stay babys forever. and theres worse things to come through door. ...
shit aas it is and not your plan,you prob know how far you gonna go
shes lucky to have you.

Concentrate on your three little ones. They have have been impacted enough watching their big sister. They dont need to see the next installment of this car-crash -- or have the much needed focus of their own parent diverted and drained to elsewhere (they likely have endured this already).

You cant be in two emotional spaces at once. You have finite headspace, time and energy - prioritise your younger 3. Your 24 year old has choices - your little ones do not. Good luck.

You had absolutely no right to suggest abortion. Not surprised your daughter is upset. You were only 18 why didn't you have an abortion. Some people would think that's far too young to have a baby.,

Many, many, MANY people don't take responsibility for their children. Why do you think SS are overwhelmed?

And clearly the daughter is in no shape to guide herself let alone anyone else.

Seriously, give your head a wobble

Presumably because the OP wasn't drinking and taking drugs?
The father of this baby has a criminal record and a history of violence

And as the OP will probably have to pick up the pieces when it all goes horribly wrong, I can see why she said what she said

I hope it gives her the push she needs to improve her life

I don't have any useful advice, as this is such a difficult situation. I just wanted to say I think you're doing the right thing for everyone involved.

I would make it as clear as possible to your daughter that you will not be stepping up and won't be supporting her in this. In fact, I'd be tempted to take a step back and not to let her stay with you this weekend. Having her stay and sending the 3 younger ones away, is just showing your daughter that when push comes to shove, you'll upend your life and your family's life to accommodate the consequences of her actions. But it sounds like she might be in danger from her bf if she's not with you... So I know it's not so simple.

I appreciate that if the baby arrives, things change and you'll step in to keep the baby safe or out of the care system. But for now, I would try to convince your daughter otherwise.

Back in 1998 (or thereabouts) when you were 18, I expect your parents may have wanted you to have an abortion too…

@ThisOchreCat your response is cold, but accurate, all the best op

You are not being unreasonable to be very concerned about the situation, but you are being unreasonable to dictate to your daughter thst she “needs” to have an abortion. You can only control your own behavior, and you don’t get to command her reproductive decisions.

Either she will get shot of the BF and into fit shape as a mother asap and it'll be the making of her, or the child will go into care and be adopted by someone who desperately wants them

It's totally fine to state you'll not be raising her child for her and don't want to see her trying to with this man or on drugs but I don't think you should have said she should have an abortion or that you don't think she's mother material period, seems like you've written her off

Did you even read the OP? Maybe the OP didn't have an abortion because she wasn't a drug addict in a chaotic violent relationship with a convicted criminal whose plan for child rearing involves her mother taking over when it all goes to shit (as it will).

OP, I really feel for you. This is a horrible situation for everyone. All I can suggest is that you - and your dh - say with absolute conviction that you will NOT be helping at all, NOT taking baby in when the inevitable social services intervention takes place. NOT. It might make her focus on her decisions.

You have young children. You need to prioritise them.

Oh dear.
I spent my entire life with my older sister mocking me over wanting children and telling me what a terrible, awful mother I’d make.
I didn’t do drugs. I rarely drank.
I was far more successful than her.
More empathetic, more compassionate, and never would I have harassed someone I loved about their capacity for having children.
That’s the utmost cruelty.
You know your daughter better than anyone and if there’s any danger to her baby or to herself or her pregnancy, it’s your responsibility as her mother to tell her.
It’s just a crappy part of your job and I’m sorry.

Having children in the best of circumstances is damn hard. I can’t help but think that the first bump in the road, the endless crying and weeks of no sleep will see either him become violent if he stays, or her looking for drugs to feel better. I don’t think a child would be safe, or your daughter. That’s the bottom line. I don’t think you were unreasonable. It was a home truth. Lots of love.

It's reasonable for you to be scared and worried. Not ok to tell her she needs to have an abortion.

Having a child is the making of some people, you don't know for sure.

I would be working to get across that she needs to separate herself from the father for the sake of her child. It isn't something you will be able to push too hard, but you can plant the seeds.

Thank you everyone for the advice so far.

Boyfriend has been calling, DH answered and told him we will be ringing the police if he continues. Last one was about 20 minutes ago and it was continuous so hopefully he’s got the message.

Me and DH have had a talk and we are going to sit down with her this weekend and ask her to be honest with us about what is going on. We are going to try and be supportive of her decision but it’s hard. I had a baby at 41 and the lack of sleep was horrific. Even though she’s upset she will come round and see us as it’s an excuse for her to get out of the house. I really wish she hadn’t done this because that last sentence says it all really?

If it was different circumstances I’d be over the moon. My mum and dad weren’t best pleased me falling pregnant at 18 and going on to have another one aged 20 but I’ve hardly ever drank in my life and never touched illegal drugs or gave an abusive POS 50,000 chances. That is the difference