DD is pregnant and I’m shit scared.

[ThisOchreCat]

Back story with me: I had my first two children young (age 18 and 20). Both my oldest girls are now 26 and 24. I have 3 younger children with my second husband who are 9, 7 and 3.

My 24 year old has come tonight and told me she is pregnant. I want to be happy, truly I do, but I broke down in tears and found myself telling her she needs to get an abortion. I adore my children, I wouldn’t be without any of them. But I haven’t signed on the dotted line to raise my grandchild which is what ultimately will end up happening.

She has had problems with drugs in the past (although suspect current use) and her on/off boyfriend is a POS basically- she has come running home to me and my husband (her step father) multiple times over the course of their 6 year relationship because he has physically assaulted her, trashed her home, one time smashed the windows on her car. He’s turned up at our address and had him arrested from here countless times.

He is in every shape and form a controlling, manipulative dickhead and we won’t tolerate him being in our home or around our younger children. It came close at one point to me and my husband (her stepdad) cutting her off. Our relationship is strained but at the end of the day she is my daughter. Contact between her and our younger children is strictly supervised either by one of us or by my eldest.

Anyway, my abortion comment has gone down like a cup of cold sick. I’ve pointed out with her medical history (she’s been admitted to hospital after drug/drink binge sessions and once after being severely assaulted by her partner) and namely her partners criminal record the likelihood of them being able to keep the child is slim as social services will be informed when she goes for her first appointment. She doesn’t want to see that. She thinks all will be hunky dory and they can finally live happily ever after. And if it does go wrong…she knows I will do everything in my power to ensure my grandchild doesn’t go into care even though I’m done with the nappies, the sleepless nights etc etc

I know what’s going to happen. He’s going to either finally get in the car and leave forever because he’s a man child and won’t step up to the plate or it’s going to be the same shit but with a child in tow when she comes crying to the door. Not to mention, and as awful as I feel writing this, she isn’t mother material. She doesn’t have a clue how exhausting it can be. I have raised children for 26 years of my life now- more than half of it.

We are currently sat awake waiting for inevitable abusive phone call or knock on the door from her partner. We have sent our youngest kids to my husband’s sisters for the weekend as we imagine we will have to yet again get the police involved.

AIBU for saying what I said and how I feel?

I completely second this. Poor OP sounds to be in the same position as my own parents found themselves in 5 years ago - my sister has huge mental health and addiction issues and found herself pregnant by a fellow addict and violent man.

My parents are in their mid sixties and now they’re having to take care of a 4 year old whilst themselves going through cancer. They are like OP and won’t see the child end up in care, so struggle on trying to have the energy and patience to parent an under 5.

OP is being totally reasonable. I’ve seen directly the effects of trauma on a small child who has done absolutely nothing wrong, just has the misfortune of being born to addict parents. They are growing up wondering why they weren’t enough for their Mum to change her ways and get her life together. That will always be with them, as much as we love and deeply care and nurture the child.

I cannot stand the selfishness of some people. OP, you are completely justified having worries about the situation. Whilst the decision is ultimately hers to make, what you do have to do is make the decision about if and how you want to support her if she goes through with it and has the child. You have a right to a stable and peaceful life yourself, and only you know what is in the best interests of your own family and relationship.

Please look after yourself and prioritise your own wellbeing, OP. Hugs and well wishes to you. Xx

you have a responsibility for your little kids and your husband. What is his opinion? She sounds like a step daughter from hell.

YANBU to suggest abortion.

Regarding SS involvement.

We foster and was recently talking to another carer who was over the moon that her current baby WAS going home to his birth mum.
She had 6 others who were either in long term fostering or adopted. She eventually left her long term partner (dragged her down with him, not excusing her behabiour).
After a while she met a new bloke and unfortunately fell pregnant. SS obviously heavily involved BUT with his support and guidance with carers and S Worker she has proven to SS that she can care for her child correctly and she is being allowed to have him

Yes SS will be involved but if she CAN make the choices needed it doesn't need to fail. But it will be a lot of work/support on everyone's behalf.

Fingers crossed for you all x x

Did you know how to parent a child before you had yours?

Having an abortion is not something to be taken lightly. I had one at a young age when I contracted German measles during the pregnancy. I knew it was the right thing to do and I was at ease with the decision. Several years later I started having recurring nightmares about it and I still have those nightmares now, 30 years on. It's not your position to tell your daughter to have an abortion whatever the circumstances, and especially not if it's not sonething she wants to do.

Not sure why it's a bit rich tbh? Having five children in a loving stable home is nothing like having children whilst using drugs, drinking and dating someone who beats you.
Someone already said it was a bit rich because op had her first child at 18 well I was even younger than that when I had my first and I know many other mums who were young mum's it's in no way comparable to choosing to have a child whilst being a drug addict and with a violent man. Honestly it's insulting to young mum's some of the comments I've read here

What a nightmare OP. I really feel for you. It must be beyond frustrating to watch her with him. Fwiw while I understand your reasons for suggesting an abortion I know if my mother had suggested it to me I would have been very slow to forgive because it is something that I would not consider in any circumstances. I can understand why she would be angry about this.

You're not being unfair and unreasonable, OP. Your daughter's and her partner's actions make you look realistic and informed.
If she was capable and responsible, you would be, but you wouldn't be writing this here if she was.
Very difficult situation.

Apologies if I'm mistaken my understanding was that David Cameroon changed it so that babies taken in are fast tacked to adoption to prevent exactly this

Only if there is no chance of return to family. Most families don’t just hand them over. It took us 8 months to get our grandchildren.

in reality the 26 week rule only applies to babies voluntarily given to adoption.

All I can do is send a big hug. I feel you. I had my first child at 18. Daughters are 19 and 15 and I also have other children from my current husband, youngest being 10 months. I would most likely do the exact same thing if it were one of my daughters. YA100%BR. I truly hope your daughter comes to her senses and thinks of the bigger picture. If she doesn’t you must try as much as possible to let ger deal with it without you bearing the brunt.

I'm annoyed on the OP's behalf that you've posted such drivel.

Remember this is the OP's daughter- the OP can't be a perfect mother. A daughter is still a daughter even if they have addiction issues and a poor choice in men. Assuming all the right is on one side is ridiculous, and very unlikely- the idea she "decided " to have a baby is no more likely to be true than the OP "decided" to have a baby at 18.

Aww lass ,all you can really do is take one day at a time. You're in a heartbreaking situation. The first person you need to look after is you, girding your loins so to speak. Then you may be in a better position to cope. There are a lot of tips on the internet re self-care and a lot of good advice on here.x

even if you did finish up raising your daughter's child it wouldn't change your life that much

Lol, what?!

Also telling her she should have an abortion with her first child when you have had 5 is a bit rich TBH.

Unless the op was also ending up in hospital due to drug use and beatings, and was still with her violent, abusive boyfriend when she got pregnant with any of her kids ......no, it's not a "bit rich".

If it was only going to be a matter of one extra child to raise, this situation would be a lot easier and have much less potential to be unpleasant.

But they don't shape up.
I'm aware of a very similar situation. The boyfriend and drugs always come first.
Then you cannot cut them off due to worrying about the grandchildren.

This guy is violent abuser who uses drugs.

When myself and my h had our child, (and we'd known each other around 13 years) it almost ended our relationship on several occasions..

Babies and toddlers can be incredibly, incredibly demanding and stressful. They can push you to, and past, every scrap of tolerance & calm you have. They can push you to the very edge of the control that even your parenting instincts give you.

He can't "cope" with a relationship, just an uncomplicated early 20s relationship with no real responsibilities, without being violent. He uses drugs. Putting him in a household with a baby is a disaster waiting to happen.

That's not even getting onto the potential Mum, who is still quite young but more importantly is not looking after herself or making decent decisions in any way;

She uses drugs
She has ended up hospitalised through drug use.
She has returned to a violent, abusive boyfriend.
Shd had done so even with the support of her family who housed her etc when she left.
She has ended up hospitalised due to his attacks on her.
She has not protected herself against pregnancy with this volatile, violent, abusive bf. There are several forms of very reliable contraception, she could have gotten the implant/injection (wouldn't even have to take pills reliably), she could have set a phone alarm and took her pill ..... yet she is pregnant. By this specimen.
And shows zero signs of leaving him. In fact I bet she thinks having a baby will somehow make the relationship "work out".

Does she even realise their history means they will be under SS? And if anything else happens, this baby may end up taken off them.

Is she putting her potential baby first? Is she being responsible towards them? Or even herself?

And people think the op is unreasonable to ask her to have a termination.

I mean, seriously ....

The problem is that you keep letting her back. You need to refer her to domestic abuse shelters who can actually help in her situation

You def said the right thing, she should not be having a kid and esp with him. This is one of the many scenarios in which having options is good and she should explore those. Maybe you also need to tell her that you won't be there to pick up the pieces when it all goes wrong, this is not a baby you will be responsible for so when he leaves her and she can't support herself or the baby, she can deal with that on her own.

If I did this to my parents no way would they have just taken the baby and brought it up like their own.