DD is pregnant and I’m shit scared.

[ThisOchreCat]

Back story with me: I had my first two children young (age 18 and 20). Both my oldest girls are now 26 and 24. I have 3 younger children with my second husband who are 9, 7 and 3.

My 24 year old has come tonight and told me she is pregnant. I want to be happy, truly I do, but I broke down in tears and found myself telling her she needs to get an abortion. I adore my children, I wouldn’t be without any of them. But I haven’t signed on the dotted line to raise my grandchild which is what ultimately will end up happening.

She has had problems with drugs in the past (although suspect current use) and her on/off boyfriend is a POS basically- she has come running home to me and my husband (her step father) multiple times over the course of their 6 year relationship because he has physically assaulted her, trashed her home, one time smashed the windows on her car. He’s turned up at our address and had him arrested from here countless times.

He is in every shape and form a controlling, manipulative dickhead and we won’t tolerate him being in our home or around our younger children. It came close at one point to me and my husband (her stepdad) cutting her off. Our relationship is strained but at the end of the day she is my daughter. Contact between her and our younger children is strictly supervised either by one of us or by my eldest.

Anyway, my abortion comment has gone down like a cup of cold sick. I’ve pointed out with her medical history (she’s been admitted to hospital after drug/drink binge sessions and once after being severely assaulted by her partner) and namely her partners criminal record the likelihood of them being able to keep the child is slim as social services will be informed when she goes for her first appointment. She doesn’t want to see that. She thinks all will be hunky dory and they can finally live happily ever after. And if it does go wrong…she knows I will do everything in my power to ensure my grandchild doesn’t go into care even though I’m done with the nappies, the sleepless nights etc etc

I know what’s going to happen. He’s going to either finally get in the car and leave forever because he’s a man child and won’t step up to the plate or it’s going to be the same shit but with a child in tow when she comes crying to the door. Not to mention, and as awful as I feel writing this, she isn’t mother material. She doesn’t have a clue how exhausting it can be. I have raised children for 26 years of my life now- more than half of it.

We are currently sat awake waiting for inevitable abusive phone call or knock on the door from her partner. We have sent our youngest kids to my husband’s sisters for the weekend as we imagine we will have to yet again get the police involved.

AIBU for saying what I said and how I feel?

It's an awful situation, and I'm not sure what a happy ending would look like here.

That being said, abortion we're supposed to give women a choice in whether they have a have their baby. It's not meant to be a tool to coerce. It's her body, her choice. Not the OPs. The only choice the OP has is the extent of picking up any pieces if and when this is all falls apart.

@ThisOchreCat I think what you were trying to say to your daughter was really - I am not going to bring this baby up. I am not going to foster it when things go wrong for you, I am not going to put up with your BF turning up at the door, causing mayhem and being violent. I have 3 other little children who need all my attention. If you go ahead with having this baby, you need to be aware that these are my boundaries and they are non-negotiable. Have an early termination, put the baby up for adoption or keep it. But I won't be baling you out by looking after the baby when things go pear shaped.

You were not wrong to say she should have a termination. But sometimes you have to show 'tough love' and she does need to understand you will NOT take over bringing up the baby, even for short days or weeks, never mind for any longer.

SIL sounds a lot like your DD so when she got pregnant, we all felt how you do. She has completely surprised us since the baby was born and seems to have, so far anyway, turned her life around and has even left the twat drug addict boyfriend.

I just wanted to add a positive story because if she does keep the baby, there’s a chance she will also turn things around which I obviously hope happens. Good luck.

“You need to get an abortion” is dictating. It’s not an opinion so much as a command. If OP had said, “You can’t have an abortion,” I think everyone would recognize that she was trying to dictate her daughter’s decision.

As I said, OP can only control her own behavior. It’s perfectly fine to tell her daughter that she (OP) won’t raise the baby or be available to take care of the baby. She can set her own boundaries, but telling her daughter she “needs” to have an abortion is wildly inappropriate.

To be a grandparent yes, not to be a parent to the grandchild! Read the OP before commenting.

So you think a drug user, choosing a man who assaults her, lives a chaotic life is the best person to bring a child into this world??
Op did the right thing by pointing out the termination. This child is doomed with parents like that. Poor op, some people shouldn't be having kids just because they can.

A baby being born to a pair of chaotic junkies, one of whom is violent is far too common a scenario for us to not know how this will play out should the dd go ahead with the pregnancy. I am agog at some of the pp's on here. This is certainly a catastrophe in the making - and one the OP will most certainly be deeply impacted by.

The kindest thing all around would be a termination, but this is a decision only the dd can take. Based on what you have written here OP, and fact you have had to remove your 3 youngest children from your home for fear of what could unfold over the weekend, I would be telling dd that you won't be supporting this pregnancy in any way.

I am sure to be flamed but I would have no qualms turning my back on this shit show - that has every likelihood of destroying family life and 3 small children's home life. This woman is 24. At some point she needs to take responsibility for her choices and understand the consequences of how she is choosing to live her life.

No it isn't dictating. It is not as if the OP can force her daughter to have an abortion; ultimately she is an adult and the decision is hers anyway. There is no force or coercion here, just advice (however strongly expressed) on the best course of action.

I don't blame the OP at all for advising her daughter should have an abortion and I don't think it is inappropriate. And I know others have posted about occasions when others in this situation have turned their lives around and become wonderful mothers, and that this frequently happens. But also this often doesn't happen; and frankly the prospects do not look good.

If the DD on finding she was pregnant, had immediately stopped the drug taking and looked to get rid of the abusive partner - and if she had some kind of realistic plan which the OP could then support her with - it might be different. But as it is, if this all goes wrong (as it probably will) it will be others who have to live with the consequences; most of all the baby who will have the most wretched start in life.

she has been failed

YOU CAN'T KNOW THAT.

You are being extremely arrogant and offensive.

Why are you so invested in making the 24 yr old daughter's fucked up situation the OPs fault? People do drugs because they like the feeling of being high. They indulge in risky behaviours because adrenaline, poor decision making and no thought for consequences. Enough bad decisions start to add up and leave you in bad situations. At some point you have to stop blaming mummy and daddy and look in the mirror.

OP, I feel for you and I don't judge at all for the way you're feeling or suggesting an abortion.

To all the pps suggesting the baby will be the making of OPs DD.. an illustration
I'm currently undergoing the training to become a foster carer and on the last course I did, last week, there were 22 participants. Of these, 18 were there due to becoming kinship carers, and they were there to help them deal with the myriad of issues the young people they had become responsible for were dealing with.. even in some cases where the child in question was with them from just weeks old, it's not a happy outcome for these kids.

I'm absolutely disgusted at some of the judgemental comments on this thread. According to some of you, OP has failed her daughter, she has undoubtedly damaged her by ("alas") daring to have younger children, she is an inadequate mother and responsible for her daughter's poor decisions.

Just hope none of you ever have children who go off the rails at some point. Mine haven't, by the way, despite their "damaging" fifteen year age gap.

Friend of mine was in a similar situation Some years back.
Her DD went ahead and had the baby, exactly as predicted my friend and her DH do most of the care.
she’s in her 60s and it’s getting too much and causing problems now with her DH

I really hope you're just incredibly naive with your post rather than trying to put the blame on the OP's parenting skills, many many young people get involved in drugs and other ill advised lifestyles but still come from "good" caring families it's not possible to monitor and control every step your child takes. In response to MissSkegness quote didn't work

@ThisOchreCat God this sounds like a mess.
I think you were absolutely right to communicate your concerns.
I am hoping you'll be able t have a constructive talk with her over the weekend. Does your DD recognise she has made some poor choices and is willing to work on them?

As far as what the OP has posted, this is her daughter's first pregnancy and a child is involved. 'Enabling' isn't relevant here
I sincerely hope that you are never in a similar position with your children; this can happen to anyone

SPOT ON
Scary to think that such narrow minded, bigoted opinions exist

Thank u v much for this kind and insightful post.
You are absolutely right, so many people quick to judge and blame, scary indeed.
From this mother whose child went off the rails; very painful and a life sentence.
Thank u again

There is a world of difference between being a grandparent and parenting your grandchildren

You have no clue

When someone makes a huge decision that impacts you, you have every right to question that decision

Do you write fiction for a living?

How about she actually thinks about the baby she's proposing bringing into the world?

@Rachie1973 and @babore sending you both and @ThisOchreCat a big hug

So sorry you're going through this. Perhaps the pregnancy will cause her to leave her abusive partner, get sober etc, but if it doesn't and the baby is taken into care, I don't think you should feel that you have to take the baby into your family home.

If the baby is fostered from birth it will be in a loving home, and will have consistency, with any engagement with the birth parents will be mediated by a social worker. If the baby is with you, how will you cope if your DD and her awful partner turn up at the door demanding to see their child? How will the child manage if passed from his/her mother to you and back again as your DD breaks up with/gets back with her partner, stops and starts drugs?

Baby would be better in long term foster care or being adopted - and maybe letting your daughter know that this is what would happen may get her to rethink having an abortion.

And the people telling you it's your fault that your daughter is like this, or that it's your duty to take the baby, should be ashamed of themselves. Some kids go off the rails even with supportive parents and loving families.

The OP didn't get her daughter addicted, didn't pimp her to her awful boyfriend. She has offered her daughter support and a refuge, and has gone through the heartbreak of watching her daughter return to an abuser.

Noted. There's usually a variety of perspectives suggested to OPs, ranging from supportive to outraged, I think there's some value in my perspective but you're free to disagree.

I can see it from both points of view- considering the past it is likely to go wrong, but on the other hand as your youngest is only 3, how can you be sick of and exhausted by bringing up children why were you still having them less than 4 years ago , even if you did finish up raising your daughter's child it wouldn't change your life that much.
Also telling her she should have an abortion with her first child when you have had 5 is a bit rich TBH.
There is also the possibility your daughter will shape up and change when she becomes a mother-she is also much more likely to see the shortcomings of her partner when she has a child- it could be positive for both of you.