DD is pregnant and I’m shit scared.

[ThisOchreCat]

Back story with me: I had my first two children young (age 18 and 20). Both my oldest girls are now 26 and 24. I have 3 younger children with my second husband who are 9, 7 and 3.

My 24 year old has come tonight and told me she is pregnant. I want to be happy, truly I do, but I broke down in tears and found myself telling her she needs to get an abortion. I adore my children, I wouldn’t be without any of them. But I haven’t signed on the dotted line to raise my grandchild which is what ultimately will end up happening.

She has had problems with drugs in the past (although suspect current use) and her on/off boyfriend is a POS basically- she has come running home to me and my husband (her step father) multiple times over the course of their 6 year relationship because he has physically assaulted her, trashed her home, one time smashed the windows on her car. He’s turned up at our address and had him arrested from here countless times.

He is in every shape and form a controlling, manipulative dickhead and we won’t tolerate him being in our home or around our younger children. It came close at one point to me and my husband (her stepdad) cutting her off. Our relationship is strained but at the end of the day she is my daughter. Contact between her and our younger children is strictly supervised either by one of us or by my eldest.

Anyway, my abortion comment has gone down like a cup of cold sick. I’ve pointed out with her medical history (she’s been admitted to hospital after drug/drink binge sessions and once after being severely assaulted by her partner) and namely her partners criminal record the likelihood of them being able to keep the child is slim as social services will be informed when she goes for her first appointment. She doesn’t want to see that. She thinks all will be hunky dory and they can finally live happily ever after. And if it does go wrong…she knows I will do everything in my power to ensure my grandchild doesn’t go into care even though I’m done with the nappies, the sleepless nights etc etc

I know what’s going to happen. He’s going to either finally get in the car and leave forever because he’s a man child and won’t step up to the plate or it’s going to be the same shit but with a child in tow when she comes crying to the door. Not to mention, and as awful as I feel writing this, she isn’t mother material. She doesn’t have a clue how exhausting it can be. I have raised children for 26 years of my life now- more than half of it.

We are currently sat awake waiting for inevitable abusive phone call or knock on the door from her partner. We have sent our youngest kids to my husband’s sisters for the weekend as we imagine we will have to yet again get the police involved.

AIBU for saying what I said and how I feel?

A grandparents role and a grandparent who ends up with full care of the baby/child are very different...

Oh no, gutted. It's her life though. And what you need to do is enforce boundaries. She will come around.

You were both reasonable and unreasonable so I couldn't vote.

You are reasonable to have serious doubts about how wise it would be for your daughter to go ahead with this pregnancy, and would be reasonable for you to spell out gently that you will not be caring for this baby if she goes ahead with it as your hands are already full with your own young children. The baby would be her responsibility and she is very likely to end up raising it without help from the father.

However, you could have handled it more sensitively (appreciate you were in a state of shock). It's not your decision to make whether she has an abortion or not so you shouldn't really be trying to tell her what to do unless she asks for your opinion. I hope when you have calmed down you can talk to your daughter using more sympathetic language and that she will see the sense in what you are saying. But at the end of the day, her body her choice.

So when you become a parent you automatically have to raise your grandchild if the grandchild's parents put drugs and sex before them?

Must have missed that in the parenting books

This. I'm a grandparent to a 2 1/2 year old and a baby of 9 months. I look after them every Monday for 10 hours. They are NT. Their parents are happily married and out at work whilst I look after them. It's only 1 day a week. I'm absolutely shattered by the time they go home. They have a lovely, stable, non chaotic life with two parents who love them. I do not have to worry about a violent ex partner turning up when we are out for a walk. I don't have to deal with health issues caused by drugs and alcohol during DILs pregnancies....because she didn't touch those things. I took early retirement. I'm 59 and not trying to juggle other children still at home, a job . Ops situation is entirely different. I absolutely cannot blame her for not wanting the inevitable 'car crash' that she can see coming her way.

Bear in mind if you take one of your daughter's babies now you may find you are expected to take their sibling in a couple of years time.

The thing is, with people like that, no matter how sensitively you say it, they will always react. I would have reacted in much the same way. It would have had to be said at some point.

Total aside, but do you have a ring doorbell? I would get one if you are expecting abuse on your doorstep.

This would be fine for a adult that didn't have a drug history and abusive partner. Just hoping isn't enough here

YANBU to treat the situation as it is but at the same time you did raise someone who you suggest is an addict and making terrible life choices so you should feel a bit more responsibility at the same time. Should she be having the child though? No.

We also need to remember looking at the safety of mum and baby research tells us abusers often step up the abuse during pregnancy and/or when baby is born.

Be that as it may, none of that helps the child being born into this shit storm.

I was 18 when I told my mum I was pregnant. She was distraught for me and suggested I had an abortion.

I as living 500 miles from home with my partner our own flat and jobs. Completely independent.

I didn't and now have a happy 40 year old. I knew my mum's suggestion and shock were coming from a place of love. She just didn't want that for me when I was so young.

Huge difference though I wasn't in an abusive relationship with a car crash of a life. She never mentioned it again to me and was a supportive and loving grandmother.

If my 18 year old told me she was pregnant I would also ask if she'd thought of an abortion. I'd be devastated for her.

However OP your situation is so different and I can hear the pain and frustration in your post.

It isn't probably going to be the making of her and you and your kids are going to be affected for the next 20 or so years.

At our age we don't need or want another baby, and I can imagine the horror you're feeling.

But you know how this is going to pan out. And you will end up stepping up for your grandchild. I have no worlds of advice just loads and loads of sympathy.

What a terrible situation for you all.

Oh do shut up I was even younger than that when I had my first the difference is we weren't doing drugs, drinking and with a violent man. Plus this girl is probably going to expect op to raise her child if she can't.

I'd be completely clear with her that I'm not raising her child and if social services want to take it adoption will be the best route

Unsure why some posters are suggesting this will “be the making of her”.

She’s a drug addict who’s been hospitalised by her abusive partner. The risk to the child is overwhelming and it will, without a shadow of a doubt, be removed at birth for its own protection. Social services doesn’t give high risk drug addicts a chance to turn their lives around via the medium of an entirely reliant newborn. OP is absolutely right to be worried, and if she offers to take the child it may well come with the caveat that she goes no contact with her daughter to protect the child’s best interests.

OP, I’m so sorry this is happening to your family. You sound like a devoted mother and none of this is your fault.

Op has no right to demand her daughter has an abortion, but of course she has the right to suggest it. This is a terrible situation to bring a child into, no baby deserves that. Nor does op need landed with a baby to raise.

Maybe the OP wasn't a drug addict in an abusive relationship. An abortion is the best solution all round.

@Rachie1973 very sobering what you’ve been through for your grandchildren you sound amazing.

My DH works with disabled children. Some are from very loving and supportive families. However a worrying majority come from very chaotic families and the cause of their disabilities are due to drug and alcohol abuse. When I was pregnant with DD I ate healthily, walked lots, rested, saved money from my job so I could afford six months maternity leave, paid the mortgage. These children who have been damaged by the drug and alcohol abuse, if you could see the damage done you’d weep and start questioning the rights of some to have children.

Saying having a child is a right without also saying in the same sentence that it comes with masses of responsibility isn’t helpful. OP understands this only too well.

Also to the posters criticising the arrival of younger siblings, My father was 14 when his younger sibling arrived. He was born before the war, his sister after, He got on just fine.

If you do decide to foster your grandchild bear in mind it's common for drug addicts who lose children to social services to have a lot more children each time thinking "this time they'll let us keep it"

So sorry you are in this position OP. SS absolutely need to be involved. Your daughter is unlikely to be open and honest with professionals about her life style and relationship, and as you know, the baby and her are at risk physically and emotionally, in so many ways. I'd be ringing SS myself and being brutally honest. Don't rely on systems flagging info. You can't handle this for her, and need to safeguard your own children too. Sending you hugs as you deal with this.

Anyone who isn’t giving the OP sympathy - just re-read this bit
We have sent our youngest kids to my husband’s sisters for the weekend as we imagine we will have to yet again get the police involved.

Before the baby is even born, they’re at a place where they are having to pack their children off to an aunt due to threat of violence.

of DD has this baby, this will be their life… in fact if she aborts the baby no doubt it will give this POS more ammunition to make their lives hell.

OP what is likely to happen is that SS will say that if she doesn’t leave him, the baby will be taken away. I’d make that really clear to her as sadly it may be the push she needs to not go ahead,

But alas they are here

What a vile thing to say about equal human beings

I hope it will be the making of her. My friend got pregnant at 15. Had dropped out of school, drinking, drugs, was jumping around living in all sorts of dodgy places. Ran away to basically a crack house for several weeks when her daughter was a toddler. Dad disappeared, never to be seen again. She married another guy, 2 more babies, he overdosed on heroin and died.

Somehow she managed to hold on to her children, got herself together. She put herself through uni, and a master’s. She’s a social worker now and drug and alcohol counsellor. She bought her own house, completely on her own. Except for those first tricky years, she’s been an absolutely wonderful mother. Her children are lovely, excel in school and sports. Her eldest is mid 20s now, married, bought her first house, great career, really well adjusted and happy.

Even coming from the bottom, she can pull herself together if she has support, which it sounds like she has, and she engages with the help offered.

Hi op. I've been in your position but minus the drugs on my dd part. She was 22. The monster she was with was violent and abusive. Terribly unpredictable and all she saw was a vulnerable young man who she thought she could change. She was desperate to be a family. I'm part to blame for that looking back. I'd divorced her dad when she was just going up to high school. Her dad wasn't very reliable and many times he'd let her down. I then met someone and we had another child. We were a happy family but I do know she felt so confused and unstable. She was trying to recreate a family unit for herself. I was devastated when she fell pregnant by him. He violently assaulted her when she was a few months pregnant and we had to dash to help her. And I thought that was the wake up call she needed to protect her unborn child. But no even though SS were now involved and had warned her, she still saw this abusive piece of crap.

The turning point for her was the birth of her child. She loved him so much that she instantly knew she needed to put him first.

I won't go into detail but baby did end up in the care system after the monster attacked baby. 6 months of hell till we got baby back with my dd. The monster is most obviously seriously mentally ill and in a secure unit for things his done in the years since then.

Dd is settled with her dc now. Has a good partner. Nice family life. She's an excellent mother. In fact the best mother I know. Selfless and kind.

One of the things that I feel helped my dd see the light was her social worker. She was very straight with her. Told her exactly what was going to happen if she didn't put baby first. As a family we rallied around her and made sure she felt supported. Her friends filled her time to stop her feeling lonely which was a big issue for why she kept taking him back. We showed her that she already had this big supportive family.

As for people saying about you not taking the baby if it's placed into care, I can tell you that you might be refused anyway.

I already had two young dc at home, the monster knew where we lived and had form for abusing us to get at dd, we had to protect our young dc. We were very aware of how dangerous he was and knew he'd come looking to hurt us. My dd was prepared to have baby adopted if she couldn't keep him safe, I'm proud of her for being so selfless in that moment.

Dd had to move a few times to stay safe, there's a lifelong restraining order and monsters parental rights were removed. It's over ten years on but I know she still looks over her shoulder.

I hope it all goes ok for you op. My immediate advice would be to have a honest and frank conversation with social services.

I agree. Just a horrible situation but will be a lot more horrible for that baby if social care aren't fully in the frame here.

I totally agree. I truly believe that society would be a lot better off if more people had abortions. Too many people bring children into awful situations when they are totally lacking the ability to look after themselves properly, never mind a child. It is a massive responsibility.