DD is pregnant and I’m shit scared.

[ThisOchreCat]

Back story with me: I had my first two children young (age 18 and 20). Both my oldest girls are now 26 and 24. I have 3 younger children with my second husband who are 9, 7 and 3.

My 24 year old has come tonight and told me she is pregnant. I want to be happy, truly I do, but I broke down in tears and found myself telling her she needs to get an abortion. I adore my children, I wouldn’t be without any of them. But I haven’t signed on the dotted line to raise my grandchild which is what ultimately will end up happening.

She has had problems with drugs in the past (although suspect current use) and her on/off boyfriend is a POS basically- she has come running home to me and my husband (her step father) multiple times over the course of their 6 year relationship because he has physically assaulted her, trashed her home, one time smashed the windows on her car. He’s turned up at our address and had him arrested from here countless times.

He is in every shape and form a controlling, manipulative dickhead and we won’t tolerate him being in our home or around our younger children. It came close at one point to me and my husband (her stepdad) cutting her off. Our relationship is strained but at the end of the day she is my daughter. Contact between her and our younger children is strictly supervised either by one of us or by my eldest.

Anyway, my abortion comment has gone down like a cup of cold sick. I’ve pointed out with her medical history (she’s been admitted to hospital after drug/drink binge sessions and once after being severely assaulted by her partner) and namely her partners criminal record the likelihood of them being able to keep the child is slim as social services will be informed when she goes for her first appointment. She doesn’t want to see that. She thinks all will be hunky dory and they can finally live happily ever after. And if it does go wrong…she knows I will do everything in my power to ensure my grandchild doesn’t go into care even though I’m done with the nappies, the sleepless nights etc etc

I know what’s going to happen. He’s going to either finally get in the car and leave forever because he’s a man child and won’t step up to the plate or it’s going to be the same shit but with a child in tow when she comes crying to the door. Not to mention, and as awful as I feel writing this, she isn’t mother material. She doesn’t have a clue how exhausting it can be. I have raised children for 26 years of my life now- more than half of it.

We are currently sat awake waiting for inevitable abusive phone call or knock on the door from her partner. We have sent our youngest kids to my husband’s sisters for the weekend as we imagine we will have to yet again get the police involved.

AIBU for saying what I said and how I feel?

It's a gamble though, for everyone who turns their life around there are numerous others who do not. OP is wise to not encourage it and to explain her boundaries at this stage so the DD can make an informed decision.

you clearly didn't read and understand the OP. This is far from good advice.

OP you need to start managing expectations with your DD. On how much you are prepared to support her. (ie will support her with her decision to abort or not, to exit this relationship, what you will do during and after the potential birth) but also what you are not prepared to do.

I'm not in the UK but i guess there are organisations who can give both of you advice?

FWIW i am with you: a abortion as quickly as possibly, out of the relationship and rehab would be what i recommend to a daughter in this position too.

I really feel for you. It must be a terrible worry. I know it’s important to consider the worst possible scenario, which could be your grandchild in care or adopted - or living with an abusive, addict father.

But, looking at the best possible scenario, having a child may be the catalyst for your DD turning her life around. If SS say she must leave the abuse or they’ll seek a care order, she may love her baby so much she’ll finally find the strength to leave the abuse.

Maybe she reacted badly to you suggesting abortion because you didn’t do that when you were pregnant at a young age and she’s feeling some double standards. But, as you say, you weren’t contending with an abusive partner and (possible or previous) drug habit.

As others have said, I’d listen to what your DD has to say and make it clear that you’ll support and love her no matter what happens. But your boundary is accommodating her child (with or without her) and putting her siblings first, as they’re still children and she’s an adult and, as such, must take responsibility for her own actions.

This is what I would do too, now. If she's going to proceed with the pregnancy, the child needs protecting even before it's born: from drugs and its father.

Maybe SS can help there ?

Maybe they can also talk to her about what's likely to happen to her child in the future if she can't stop taking drugs and if its father is violent.

I wouldn't "report" her as such, but I would seek out support and advice to help her and you in decision making.

Some horribly judgmental comments on this thread.

You're showing a lot of optimism about the OPs DD here. If it could be realistically assumed that she would in fact 'focus on hers' then there wouldn't be a problem.

What a nightmare for you, its supposed to be a happy time and this happens like this.

I'd write her a letter with the facts, if SS take away the baby it won't be a case of coming to you, you and her won't have a say in that - although you can apply ultimately its down to SS where they were to place a baby.

Once SS are involved due to his behaviour - there will not be any getting rid of them, for good reason but thats the way it is

feel for you

Abortion is the right choice, a baby doesn't deserve to be born into that

I think you should be guided by your daughter

Her daughter is making spectacularly bad decisions and cannot look after her own well being.

So why exactly should op be guided by her daughter??!!

she will have to shape up

And what if she doesn't??

That's a very difficult situation.
Sorry.
🍀

YANBU OP. This sounds like an appalling situation into which to bring a baby.

I was a mum at 18.

1. Married. Very stable, rather boring husband!
2. didnt use drugs ever
3. didnt drink.
4. my parents didn’t support me financially or emotionally ever. They never looked after my children.

Not all teen mums are the same , you know. This sounds like a desperate “a baby will make everything right” situation. And it won’t. And OP has every right to tell her daughter all options available to her. Do you think abortion wasn’t suggested to me by my GP?

Wanting her to have an abortion is a private thought best kept go yourself. Telling her is just sickening

OP can "tell" her daughter whatever she likes. The DD may or may not take it on board. But IME people in the DDs situation need at least one realistic pragmatic person to talk to them, and who better than your own mum?

I agree with other pp who say it is a shit situation which isn't of your own making and may have a massive impact on your life. And that you must start setting boundaries and managing expectations immediately.

What on earth are you talking about? The daughter is an idiot who keeps going back to her abusive ex and causing issues for her whole family.

They need to cut the daugher off and stick to it. They have given her more than enough chances and it hasn't worked.

It is not the OP's fault at all.

My husband and his brother were raised in exactly the same manner but his brother is a drug addict. It had nothing whatsoever to do with his wonderful parents.

You cannot ever ask or force someone into an abortion, that’s abhorrent. She has her problems but you do not need to be the one that picks up the pieces with the child, the social services can do that. I completely get why you don’t want her to have the baby but you cannot force her into this.

My heart goes out to you OP; you are being totally realistic and have optimum insight into the reality of the situation. This is the price of parenthood (I talk from experience) . My guess is that it will end as you have predicted. Wishing you strength

Unkind post, implying that OP is responsible for daughter turning to drugs.
Return to your fairytale perfect world

Abhorrent:

inspiring disgust and loathing; repugnant.

@DoIWantTo but making the choice to bring a newborn into a chaotic home life where the mother and father take drugs and the father beats the mother isn't?

You know how people say that women aren't emotional support therapists for men - well babies LIVES aren't literally there to try and coax a person into doing the right thing. Personally I find that a much more abhorrent opinion.

Why has she turned to drugs and having an abusive boyfriend. Were you controlling when she was growing up

Simple minded nonsense.

Your comments aren't helpful. Your comments come across almost business like/prescriptive, not taking account the enormity and complexity of the emotions involved in these circumstances. 'Good chance of foster home/adoption', 'mood and stability during pregnancy will influence if they are stable and balanced during their life'.????
I suggest your comments are detrimental to the OP's wellbeing right now

What planet are u living on? Need to cut off their daughter???????????????

Anyone suggesting any sort of happy ending from having your abuser's baby is really delusional. He's already put her in the hospital and is harassing her parents so badly that the police are involved. Once the baby exists you're tied to this guy for life and the threat of abuse from him (directly or via the child) will always be there. You've done her a favour OP. Someone upthread said the worst case scenario having the baby is that it goes straight into care and its not even close. Worst case is they kill the baby through abuse or neglect or he kills them both because he's a violent POS.

My reaction would have been the same. I feel for you. Yes I would want to do everything possible to support my daughters in any given situation. But I would not expect them to walk into something hoping / believing / expecting that I would be the backstop to pick up the pieces. It's not fair. And this would be no short-term commitment. She's young - best to get stability in her own life before opting to become responsible for another's.
If she decides to go ahead, it is her decision of course. But you have an equal right to make decisions about your life. I would make it very plain what she can / can't expect from you. (What you would actually feel if a grandchild arrived is probably another matter. If it did come to the point that the child needed to be taken into care, I can see all YOUR choices being tough). Good luck.