DD is pregnant and I’m shit scared.

[ThisOchreCat]

Back story with me: I had my first two children young (age 18 and 20). Both my oldest girls are now 26 and 24. I have 3 younger children with my second husband who are 9, 7 and 3.

My 24 year old has come tonight and told me she is pregnant. I want to be happy, truly I do, but I broke down in tears and found myself telling her she needs to get an abortion. I adore my children, I wouldn’t be without any of them. But I haven’t signed on the dotted line to raise my grandchild which is what ultimately will end up happening.

She has had problems with drugs in the past (although suspect current use) and her on/off boyfriend is a POS basically- she has come running home to me and my husband (her step father) multiple times over the course of their 6 year relationship because he has physically assaulted her, trashed her home, one time smashed the windows on her car. He’s turned up at our address and had him arrested from here countless times.

He is in every shape and form a controlling, manipulative dickhead and we won’t tolerate him being in our home or around our younger children. It came close at one point to me and my husband (her stepdad) cutting her off. Our relationship is strained but at the end of the day she is my daughter. Contact between her and our younger children is strictly supervised either by one of us or by my eldest.

Anyway, my abortion comment has gone down like a cup of cold sick. I’ve pointed out with her medical history (she’s been admitted to hospital after drug/drink binge sessions and once after being severely assaulted by her partner) and namely her partners criminal record the likelihood of them being able to keep the child is slim as social services will be informed when she goes for her first appointment. She doesn’t want to see that. She thinks all will be hunky dory and they can finally live happily ever after. And if it does go wrong…she knows I will do everything in my power to ensure my grandchild doesn’t go into care even though I’m done with the nappies, the sleepless nights etc etc

I know what’s going to happen. He’s going to either finally get in the car and leave forever because he’s a man child and won’t step up to the plate or it’s going to be the same shit but with a child in tow when she comes crying to the door. Not to mention, and as awful as I feel writing this, she isn’t mother material. She doesn’t have a clue how exhausting it can be. I have raised children for 26 years of my life now- more than half of it.

We are currently sat awake waiting for inevitable abusive phone call or knock on the door from her partner. We have sent our youngest kids to my husband’s sisters for the weekend as we imagine we will have to yet again get the police involved.

AIBU for saying what I said and how I feel?

Maybe the circumstances were different - maybe there were no drugs involved on the part of the OP and no abusive, nasty, druggy boyfriend.

Abortion is absolutely an option and probably in this case the kindest one for all concerned.

@ThisOchreCat does your DD want a baby? Was this planned or an accident? What are the chances of her realising that this horrible specimen isn't father material?

I also think you to prioritise your three young children and you need to be upfront with your DD. Tell her that you will not be stepping up if this all goes tits up. If she and BF aren't up to the task and SS get involved, you will not be carrying the can. I know that's tough and probably not what you would instinctively do, but you have other children and your husband to take into consideration.

Tell that, while you are her mother, and you will always love her and support her, bringing up her baby is a step too far and you will not be doing it.

That's irrelevant now. And I suspect the drugs and criminal element may not have been a factor.

Why on earth would the Op have done that? That's really twisted reasoning!!!

I'm so sorry OP, I really hope there is a way for your daughter to see what her best option is here.

I totally understand your concerns all you can do is be there for your dd. My dd was in an emotional abusive relationship and you can't tell them what to do you just have to be there and hope they eventually come to their senses she did eventually

Family friends of ours dd found out she was pregnant after she had split up with the father she decided to keep the baby my friend was so upset devastated she was ruining her life but it has been the making of her dd she's started a degree to make a better life for them met a lovely new boyfriend who treats the child like his own he proposed at Disney and they are buying a house together. Sadly my friends dh got diagnosed with a brain tumour and has passed away but he got to meet and spend time with his grandson so maybe things happen for reason?

I also get the not wanting to look after your grandchild my dd is 23 ds 19 I am 47 and work full time so they both know I am not currently in a position to give free childcare if they had children now I had dd at 24 but dm retired at 60 the same time and dmil was already retired so helped out with childcare

I can assure you that is 100% untrue. They were both old enough to have the conversation with them when me and DH discussed trying for a baby (we were only going to have one, but had a second so he had a sibling close in age-again, discussed- I never, ever expected to get pregnant with DD4 at 40 and was a massive shock for all of us). If either of them were upset about it we agreed we wouldn’t go ahead. Both were over the moon to have younger siblings.

Spent a fortune on her education, tutors etc. Never kept her away from her Dad despite us having a very nasty divorce and him moving in the woman he had an affair with 2 days after leaving us which I do understand as probably caused her upset but they remained close and me and him civil up to his death last year. Spoilt rotten until she was old enough to stand on her own two feet. Only reason she isn’t now is because we are afraid she will pawn things to feed her/his drug habit and cash an obvious no-no. We have bailed her for out for thousands over the years.

She has sadly just decided to trust the wrong people and doesn’t seem to want to break the cycle or is too afraid to for whatever reason.

We don’t know. She has been on the pill since she was 16. I agree not every contraceptive is 100% but I do wonder.

I wouldn't be stepping up. You are older and have three children of your own with the youngest being only 3. Your adult daughter is in many ways probably a lost cause. She is not likely to be the sort of women who people bleat about having a baby was the making of her. I mean her first impulse is to try playing happy families with her violent and criminal boyfriend - not much sign of responsibility there is there?

In your circumstances, there is no way in which I would be up for looking after a potentially drug affected baby with the kind of genetics they are likely to get from their horrific father. I would be quite up front that she was on her own. I couldn't blame you at all for suggesting that an abortion was the best solution.

Many years my grandmother told my mother as a teenager that, "If she brought something home, she'd be nursing it". My mother was a strictly brought up girl with mass twice on Sundays. It took her years to work out what her mother meant. I have a lot of sympathy with my grandmother's view.

@ThorndonCream a bit mean to say that the DD is probably a lost cause.

Plenty people manage to straighten themselves out and the baby could well be the making of her.

I would report her to SS.

You really don't have a clue do you? The baby won't be adopted at birth. He/she will probably suffer for years at the hands of shit parents with repeated social services interventions. Maybe in and our of foster care while the mum cleans up her act for a short period but then let's the abuser back. We hear all the horror stories in the press of babies being shaken to death by men with histories of domestic violence.

That's a lot to put on a baby!

Sadly @ThisOchreCat as she's 24 as apposed to 16 or 17, I don't think there's much you can do except have clear boundaries with her about what having a child with this man, under these circumstances means. I suspect that you are her safety net and she needs to know that you're deadly serious about not bringing her child up. Would it be worth you going to see the GP with her and finding out- in detail- from the right people what SS will want to see from her considering her partners history? It might give her a wake up call. You could also help her ask for addiction support whilst there.

You were right to say what you did to your daughter. It’s not unkind or disloyal to be factual in assessing the situation she’s looking at potentially bringing a baby into, and realistically the likelihood of this pregnancy prompting your DD to bin the partner and turn into supermum very unlikely, though not impossible.

The pregnancy will be another means for the partner to manipulate and control your DD and will tie her to him for years if the pregnancy progresses - even if they ultimately split he will he in and out of her and any child’s life. Your idea of sitting her down with step dad for cards on the table talk is the best one - lay out all the scenarios re SWD, what being a lone parent would look like moneywise and as far as restricting her options are.

I hope it works out, but ultimately she will be the one making the choices.

@Needanewname42 I might be a bit mean to say that the DD is probably a lost cause but I'm probably right It's not as if she is showing any sign of trying to provide a safe environment for a child given that she is seemingly still using drugs and is going to play happy families with a violent and abusive thug with a criminal history. As the poster above points out if the baby cries or doesn't sleep we can all recall horror stories in the press where something very bad happened with a violent man doing appalling things to a baby.

It’s all very well to say “I wouldn’t be stepping up” but would you really throw a baby - your grandchild - on the mercy of the care system?

I have experience in this. I’d do ANYTHING to prevent that happening to a child of my child. There aren’t enough adoptive parents.

No one shows up for kids in care. No one really looks out for them. No one is paying close enough attention to properly protect them. Especially when they get older. It’s something I really really wish that I could change.

Yes I suspect that is what will happen here. OP will be landed with a sixth child to rear except this one will come with intermittent drama/contact/drama +++ from the mother. To the detriment of her own children.

No wonder OP thinks a termination is best (and yet we have had posters gasping in horror that she would suggest it) We all know the reality of this kind of chaos and dysfunction. OP gets no say in whether the pregnancy continues but will have to shoulder the responsibility of rearing the baby (with god knows what issues because his mother is a user.

Awful stuff. OP I really wish you well. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

I don't blame you for what you said I'm the circumstances though I expect she won't listen. All you can do is keep repeating that you won't be taking care of the baby.
I really feel for you Dreadful situation.

@FlingThatCarrot .ffs?
@ThisOchreCat that ws \awful shite to hit you with....thoseems the pile on is popular event.
Your header said "im shit scared" the outrageous irelevant judgements based entirely on your vague outline detaails are awful. write them off.
You ,sd, dd (is she stay t yours?)etc are gonna need some time,some very blunt converstions,nd quite possibly an interdict. thats alot for one night.
hopefully you can get some sleep.
sno easy eh

Is it possible the child would be put into foster care as soon as born?
One of my grandsons was going to be put into the fostercare system the day he was born if no family was willing to take him.
I didn't want him in fostercare so at age 60 I started again with an 8 week premature new born. Now he is 4 and I wouldn't change anything. I also have a 14 year-old at home.

The context is completely different though (I assume...)

No drugs
Violent partner
Wider context..

You signed up to be a grandparent when you had kids.

I think it's disgusting you told her to have an abortion. Of course she can if that's her decision, but its nothing to do with you.
You don't have to support her, but prepare to lose her

"Alas they are here"? What the hell?

I'm almost lost for words at the suggestion that her daughter's problems are all the OP's fault for having the audacity to have younger children.

15 and 13? So new borns and toddlers around as they were doing GCSEs and A levels added to the emotional damage to said they were already suffering. You think at 13 she knew the impact of new born sibilings but at 24 she doesn’t understand the impact of a baby. You either think she has good insight or she doesn’t.

You are not being unreasonable to be concerned, dad sounds awful however I don't think you should of told her to get an abortion, as it's her body and her baby to decide those things. What's happened has happened and she will need support from you. She should definitely bin that boyfriend though! I had my first child at 23, dad was also a dick although I didn't realize that at the time. No regrets having the child. He is 15 now and an amazing Lad. Let your daughter decide what she wants to do. When I read the title I thought she was going to be 16 or something.