DD is pregnant and I’m shit scared.

[ThisOchreCat]

Back story with me: I had my first two children young (age 18 and 20). Both my oldest girls are now 26 and 24. I have 3 younger children with my second husband who are 9, 7 and 3.

My 24 year old has come tonight and told me she is pregnant. I want to be happy, truly I do, but I broke down in tears and found myself telling her she needs to get an abortion. I adore my children, I wouldn’t be without any of them. But I haven’t signed on the dotted line to raise my grandchild which is what ultimately will end up happening.

She has had problems with drugs in the past (although suspect current use) and her on/off boyfriend is a POS basically- she has come running home to me and my husband (her step father) multiple times over the course of their 6 year relationship because he has physically assaulted her, trashed her home, one time smashed the windows on her car. He’s turned up at our address and had him arrested from here countless times.

He is in every shape and form a controlling, manipulative dickhead and we won’t tolerate him being in our home or around our younger children. It came close at one point to me and my husband (her stepdad) cutting her off. Our relationship is strained but at the end of the day she is my daughter. Contact between her and our younger children is strictly supervised either by one of us or by my eldest.

Anyway, my abortion comment has gone down like a cup of cold sick. I’ve pointed out with her medical history (she’s been admitted to hospital after drug/drink binge sessions and once after being severely assaulted by her partner) and namely her partners criminal record the likelihood of them being able to keep the child is slim as social services will be informed when she goes for her first appointment. She doesn’t want to see that. She thinks all will be hunky dory and they can finally live happily ever after. And if it does go wrong…she knows I will do everything in my power to ensure my grandchild doesn’t go into care even though I’m done with the nappies, the sleepless nights etc etc

I know what’s going to happen. He’s going to either finally get in the car and leave forever because he’s a man child and won’t step up to the plate or it’s going to be the same shit but with a child in tow when she comes crying to the door. Not to mention, and as awful as I feel writing this, she isn’t mother material. She doesn’t have a clue how exhausting it can be. I have raised children for 26 years of my life now- more than half of it.

We are currently sat awake waiting for inevitable abusive phone call or knock on the door from her partner. We have sent our youngest kids to my husband’s sisters for the weekend as we imagine we will have to yet again get the police involved.

AIBU for saying what I said and how I feel?

I’m not saying that. I’m saying her Num didn’t make her life easy but she’s in her 20s and so it capable of deciding if she should have a child.

I am a sibling to someone who sounds like your daughter. I avoid my sibling because I don’t want that in my life and it impacts my relationship with my parents and makes me resentful because no matter what he brings to the door they just accept it and bail them out again and again. These people don’t learn you were absolutely right in what you said and it was the best advice she will ever get. I’m so sick of seeing people have a baby because yeay it’s a cute baby to love and totally disregarding that actual that is a human being and you are responsible for that human being turning out to be a good person with thoughts and feelings and everything they need to function in the world.

She has to get away from that man, but if she won't do that there is so little you can do and I feel for you and your family OP.

Perhaps because @ThisOchreCat was a responsible young women: her daughter has a chaotic life and uses drugs and anabusive partner she hopes to play happy families with, this baby will likely be doomed from the off, even if taken straight into care the effects of drug use during pregnancy will impact for life on the child

What an awful situation, OP. Hopefully this will give your daughter the reality check she needs to change her life and get rid of the horrible bf. I don’t blame you for suggesting the abortion. This poor baby isn’t destined
to have the best start in life and I think that too many people have a baby without thinking of the wider implications as it is, let alone with a history of drug abuse and a violent father.

Wanting her to have an abortion is a private thought best kept go yourself. Telling her is just sickening.

Why has she turned to drugs and having an abusive boyfriend. Were you controlling when she was growing up?

Why if she turns her life around with her baby as the catalyst? There will always be in the air your suggesting she should abort the child.

If she doesn't turn her life around the comment will just be another thing in her life that she feels a failure in and deserves to be treated badly as her own mother told her to her an abortion.

What a horrible mess but you've said it now and can never take it back.

Step back and let her make her own choices for her and her child. Being told to do something so awful will weigh heavily in her so I hope she can overcome it.

And yet no mention of the baby in all of this. It's reckless and cruel to get pregnant when you're an addict with an abusive partner.

Yes this. Having kids is ideally kind of a one time thing in life - second families when the first are teens and still at home are often bad for the older ones.

You are right OP.

absolutes no chance should she be bringing a baby into the world.

You don't sound unreasonable but it might have been kinder and more direct to say that you can't support her with this baby, and let her realise this means that she might want to consider a termination. Pro choice includes it's her right to keep the baby (as a pregnancy).

I have done work experience in children's services. People like your daughter are a common social work client - either she will finally get a lot of direction and support towards keeping the baby/ditching their father, and succeed, or she will not engage well with the support, which would probably lead to adoption/foster at birth considered for her child. Some women do a great job at this stage and are lucky enough to go to mother and baby respites - it could be a ticket out of this life for her, if shr can do it.

As your daughter's mum, the best thing you can do is be clear with her about your limits and her responsibilities. You already feel you may be asked to pick up the pieces and save the child from care. I can assure you, a baby has a VERY good chance of being given a very good foster home and being adopted.

In reality and IMO, that's probably an easier and safer option than being raised by grandparents - who don't have the energy, and then can't support the adult daughter anymore, due to contact arrangements. If you compare the confusion and strain of a child adopted vs bought up by grandparents... I think I'd chose adoption unless grandparents felt really well resourced to cope.

Best of luck to you all.

Oh, and to add.if she's keeping this baby, her mood and stability during pregnancy will influence if they are stable and balanced during their life. Stress in utero has a lasting impact, including the relationship with the mother (mothers who know their baby is being removed have very different pregnancies than a normal bonded pregnancy).

You can't be responsible for how she is during pregnancy but you should be aware of this.

She didn’t sign up to be a parent again though, and this is what she thinks is likely to happen. Being a grandparent is completely different to be expected to raise the child 24/7.

She's not capable of getting out of a violent, abusive relationship and she's not capable of stopping drug taking, so she's not capable of deciding if she should have a child.

Not sure why that's not obvious to you.

I completely understand your pov and your concerns OP, because 3 years ago I was that daughter. Word for word you could have been describing me. When I fell pregnant, I stopped using drugs, smoking and drinking immediately. Within 3 months I’d ended the abusive relationship because I finally saw it for what it was and that he could never be a good father, and although he didn’t make it easy after police involvement he eventually stayed away. I now have a beautiful 2 year old, a lovely home and my relationship with my family is stronger than ever. Falling pregnant was the wake up call I desperately needed, and becoming a mum saved my life. I had a lot of support from my family and things would have been a lot harder if I didn’t. I know she’s put you through so much, but right now your daughter needs you. Whatever decision she makes, please try to support her. If she decides to abort, be there for her. She can turn her life around but she has to open her eyes to the realities of her situation. This baby could be the blessing of your lives, whether she keeps it or not it could be a wake up call for her like it was for me.

Being young and finding yourself pregnant is not the same as being 24 with addiction problems, chronic immaturity and an abusive prat of a boyfriend. The first situation is not ideal but can be worked with. The second sounds a lost cause.
A friend of mine has a god daughter who is living exactly this life. There is a court case going on and court orders in place to stop her abusive boyfriend going near the young woman and her child ( now 9 months). The young woman was 18 when she got pregnant. She absolutely refused to consider an abortion It was all going to be lovely. It isn't lovely. Her mother is now looking after the baby because the daughter cannot cope. SS want the grandmother to adopt the baby because the situation is so bad with the 18 year old daughter. The baby's grandmother is a nurse. She is trying to juggle everything because a chaotic young woman with multiple issues, who should never have had a child, went ahead and had one and now can't cope. Not one part of the situation is a surprise to anyone except the daughter.

Also you really don't know if her Mum "didn't make her life easy".

Her Mum has outlined her upbringing and it does not sound like she "didn't make her life easy".

My parents raised my two eldest sisters in the same way, one is a responsible professional who's a devoted mother. One is a long-term alcohol dependent, an irresponsible parent whose son has lived with my Mum for several years, and has dysfunctional, codependent relationships. That's just how it goes sometimes.

Agree with all of this

I forgot to add that she died of an overdose when he was 2.

That's lovely and inspiring.

But you have zero certainty of knowing ops DD will do what you did.

Other posters have related what happened when the mother didn't completely change her habits and circumstances.

You can't say op should support her DD whatever her decision; because you don't know if her dd will be one of the ones who totally changes.

It's also extremely unfair for the potential child. You presumably didn't have the upbringing that that child will have if op's DD doesn't stop taking drugs and stop taking beatings and let's a violent drug taking abuser have access to a baby/child. Then there's SS involvement and fostering and the op being forced to step in etc etc.

I'm not anti abortion but it shouldn't ve used as a method of contraception.

Loads of people use abortion as contraception.

Who are you to stand on high declaring people shouldn't use abortion as contraception..... ??? Especially in these circumstances.

She's probably only pregnant because, as a poster said, she's missed pills or vomited them up due to drug use. And you don't even know if any damage could have been done to the foetus already.

Whilst I think you know that would be for sure the best, if she wants to be a mum she will need to cut all contact with the boyfriend and do it single handed - she's got months to prove she can stay off drink and drugs, social services will be looking really carefully at whether she's capable but won't terminate parental rights unless she relapsed, he sounds too volatile to change without also being clean from drink and drugs. I like to think anyone can change though takes a wake up call

A more serious in a way point though is has she taken drugs or drunk excessive alcohol since being pregnant, potentially before she knew because damage could have been done, a know a child with moderate to severe FASD and I wouldn't wish that on any child which could be avoided, definitely a consideration

I don’t think I have any better advice than others have already provided but it sounds a very difficult situation and you’re clearly a very loving mum

You signed up to be a grandparent when you had kids

Not to two drug using parents, one of whom is a violent, stalking abuser.

And not with the possibility of having to raise the child herself if they end up having to go into the care system.

Very different indeed.

Of course she has the right, it’s nothing to do with age and everything to do with circumstances.

My youngest had her first at 16. I wouldn’t and didn’t suggest abortion. She’s a born mum and I knew that. 6 years later she’s proved me right and her son is a happy, healthy lovely little boy.

On the other hand one of her brothers was in an up and down relationship with his partner. She had a child on a child protection plan from a previous relationship. In fact he met her in a mother and baby foster placement. Within 4 months she was pregnant and I sighed a big sigh. The pattern was made, the next few years were spent with kids being traumatised from the screaming matches. Both parents have mental health issues and substance issues.

Finally the children were removed. We started the court process to take them. The children were separated, boy to his biological family, girl to us. The traumas these poor children have witnessed are unimaginable, and if you do some research on early childhood traumas you can see how it affects their lives long term.

Then…. Just when you think it’s settled she gets pregnant again. Of course I advised an abortion but no. She didn’t, and that baby was placed with me at 3 days old. No maternal leave for me! I had to work full time and juggle a new born and night feeds at 47, as well as a 16 month old. Parents drop in and out as it suits them, not the kids. They try to tell me how awful life is, in between their fights and spliffs. They try to tell me how they want me to raise their kids.

Not to mention the absolutely invasive process that is SGO. My life, my relationships, past and present, my finances, my home all picked over with a fine tooth comb by social services to check we’re fit to raise these children into our retirement.

4 years down the line the emotional and financial strain is horrific. My DH has cancer, my blood pressure is high. The kids have similar issues to their parents so I’m trying to navigate them as well.

We had plans you know? We were going to travel. We were financially sound and had spare cash for the first time ever. Instead, we are committed to children again for the next 18 years. Sadly my DHs cancer means that he won’t see all of those 18 years so the kids will be exposed to more trauma in the loss of primary care giver, and I will be nearly 70 by then.

I think OP has every right to suggest considering an abortion.

OP….i have no words of advice only to say I’m so sorry this is happening to you. My DD is in a very abusive relationship and it’s hell on earth for us all. Sending you a big hug.