DD is pregnant and I’m shit scared.

[ThisOchreCat]

Back story with me: I had my first two children young (age 18 and 20). Both my oldest girls are now 26 and 24. I have 3 younger children with my second husband who are 9, 7 and 3.

My 24 year old has come tonight and told me she is pregnant. I want to be happy, truly I do, but I broke down in tears and found myself telling her she needs to get an abortion. I adore my children, I wouldn’t be without any of them. But I haven’t signed on the dotted line to raise my grandchild which is what ultimately will end up happening.

She has had problems with drugs in the past (although suspect current use) and her on/off boyfriend is a POS basically- she has come running home to me and my husband (her step father) multiple times over the course of their 6 year relationship because he has physically assaulted her, trashed her home, one time smashed the windows on her car. He’s turned up at our address and had him arrested from here countless times.

He is in every shape and form a controlling, manipulative dickhead and we won’t tolerate him being in our home or around our younger children. It came close at one point to me and my husband (her stepdad) cutting her off. Our relationship is strained but at the end of the day she is my daughter. Contact between her and our younger children is strictly supervised either by one of us or by my eldest.

Anyway, my abortion comment has gone down like a cup of cold sick. I’ve pointed out with her medical history (she’s been admitted to hospital after drug/drink binge sessions and once after being severely assaulted by her partner) and namely her partners criminal record the likelihood of them being able to keep the child is slim as social services will be informed when she goes for her first appointment. She doesn’t want to see that. She thinks all will be hunky dory and they can finally live happily ever after. And if it does go wrong…she knows I will do everything in my power to ensure my grandchild doesn’t go into care even though I’m done with the nappies, the sleepless nights etc etc

I know what’s going to happen. He’s going to either finally get in the car and leave forever because he’s a man child and won’t step up to the plate or it’s going to be the same shit but with a child in tow when she comes crying to the door. Not to mention, and as awful as I feel writing this, she isn’t mother material. She doesn’t have a clue how exhausting it can be. I have raised children for 26 years of my life now- more than half of it.

We are currently sat awake waiting for inevitable abusive phone call or knock on the door from her partner. We have sent our youngest kids to my husband’s sisters for the weekend as we imagine we will have to yet again get the police involved.

AIBU for saying what I said and how I feel?

pmsl.

plenty of people, most people in fact manage to have younger siblings without it turning them into drug addicts.
The absolute shite some people spout on here…

I’d say if your fertility is anything to go by, this could easily be a missed pill or vomiting from drugs / alcohol or even the pill not being 100% effective rather than deliberate.

In her shoes of course she’s going to be deeply hurt and annoyed at your belief she should abort. You’ve had 5 children and are denying her her one. I’d be prepared for a lot of anger to come your way.

Far too much idealising on this thread.

In Ann ideal world a baby would be the making of her.

In the real world the baby will grow up with drug dependent parents and be a frequent witness to, and victim of domestic violence, at worst we’ll be seeing the bf and OP’s DD on the news after their conviction for murdering it.

An abortion would by far the best outcome here. Failing that, I’d be hoping that nature makes the decision.

Errem. My friend had this and she ia VERY successful balances person... First sibling at 12, swcond at 15 when moving to high-school (not in uk). Quite a few of my frienda had youngest sibling when older. 1 was finnily the younger sibling and was an aunt to a 5 year old at 10🤷 They turned up fine.

Drug use and emotional issues happen in whatever situations. Single child, one sibling close to age, very different ages. Impact of sibling is totally different to impact of cjild born into drug use and highly abusive relationship. Obviously.

I saw similar situation play out - drugs, abuse - and it was not pretty. It was fucking sad and now there is emotionally damaged (actually emotionally damaged after witnessing and suffering severe abuse) child with disabilities. Only there was no sibling to support as she was an only child. The GM has to stop working and that will also affect her pension amount unless she gets to her ok paid job again soon, which she is not able to(again, abroad). Totally understand why OP suggested abortion...

Have you thought that her returning back to her abuser is actually because of the abuse and not because she wants to play happy families. If this has been going on for 6 years then I'm sure he has some control over her and uses that regularly. The countless phone calls says it all really. Maybe she wants to get out but doesn't feel like she can, maybe he is threatening her and she's not told anyone to what extent this control goes. Many abused women return to their abuser. Maybe the drugs is a way of coping maybe he encourages it. Just things to think about before everyone goes round saying what a piece of shit she is.

I expect OP wasn't taking drugs and living with an abusive man at the time. What a stupid comment ....

Indeed. My son was 15 when my daughter was born. Both have thrived and done extremely well. He was always lovely with his little sister.

It's despicable (and absurd) to blame the OP's daughter's issues on the OP having had younger children.

I just don't understand responses like this!
You're talking about someone's unborn child here, drugs or not she has as much right to be a mother as anyone else. She may well have the child taken from her if the drugs continue but it is also likely this will be the thing she needs to kick the habit and start a new life for herself and her baby. So many people just assuming the worst and condemning her before the child has even been born. It is a really shit situation but rather than an abortion maybe this will teach her not to be blase about getting pregnant again. I'm not anti abortion but it shouldn't ve used as a method of contraception.

Drugs or not, she has as much right to be a mother as anyone else.

I really disagree with this viewpoint. That's not even counting the domestic abuse. Having a child is not a right. It's a massive responsibility.

It's not recommended as a method of contraception here. It's recommended because the likelihood of the child ending up in bad situation is quite up there.

Wow, you're presuming a whole lot of things here aren't you? We only have the OP to go on so no need to fantasise about possible scenarious. Not helpful.

OP, you are absolutely right in your thinking. The only problem with suggesting to your daughter to get an abortion is that it might have the opposite effect on her. Be calm and explore her possibilities. Take her to see a counsellor asap. Good luck.

I feel for you OP. I had my oldest son at 16, and then 2 more children when he was 11 and 14 so ive been parenting over 30yrs now. The thought of raising a GC now is awful. A GC would be lovely of course, but not when the risk is so high of you needing to step in to prevent that baby going into care. I know i couldnt let them happen, but i also know i’d be feeling exactly like you are now. If your DD comes round again i’d apologise if she feels upset by your comments but tell her she’s not in a position to raise a child. I mean i guess it could be a turning point in her life and she could leave the bf and turn her life around. But she needs to understand social services are going to act, and I wouldn’t be sugar coating that or apologising if pointing it out has upset her.

I actually gasped when I read that you TOLD her to get an abortion.... then I read the rest of your post! YANBU! What a terrible situation.

I guess you can just keep discussing with her the pros and cons of keeping this baby, with an emphasis on the reality of all the numerous difficulties this will bring. Maybe have a read about drug dependent babies, about DV stats and how pregnancy increases those risks, and about family services involvement and how she would manage having her child potentially removed from her.

Re. you, well you have a 3yo... so not completely removed from the baby period of your life?? Sorry that's the only positive thing I can think of 😳

To all the PP's talking about the daughter's choices, the daughter's life etc etc... the whole point of OP's thread is the likelihood that OP will end up raising the baby.
Well, it'll be OP, along with family services, court, and 2 x drug affected people including one that is violent, who will have a right to flit in and out of this child's life, causing distress and trauma for the poor little love.

Poor you. Sadly for you your daughter has made her bed...
There comes a point when you can do no more.

If she listens to you. She will hate and blame you for the rest of her life for pushing her to get an abortion.
If she doesn't- your predictions are only one of the possible outcomes. A pregnancy / a child changes people. Maybe not him, but it definitely will change her and saying she is not mother material!! Were you with 18!!!???

Perhaps I am alone in this, but I would rather my daughter hate and blame me for the rest of my life than have to start again in my 50s or 60s with a baby Iam wholly responsible for. I am done with childrearing.

GP's are allowed to draw boundaries.

Unfortunately, a grandparent taking custody of a GC does not prevent the adult child from having more children, hence why social services will ask relatives to take on more children.

If DD knows she has you, she may carry on with the pregnancy etc as your be the care giver? I personally woud be clear, I would not be raising her child and she would have to deal with social services.

And her DD may not stop at one either. She could end up raising another 2 or 3 children if she take this on,

This.

im sorry OP, shit situation.

Dreadful you feel the need to send your children somewhere else.

Do not be so melodramatic.

i hâve a family member in a similar suituation.
The daughter wanted to carry on the pregnancy,

3 years on his fathers parents have custody. My friend gets to see her Grandson but similar to you had a very young family & just couldn’t take him in. Her daughter now 26 still hasn’t really changed and her Mum has to still be that support network. The hope that it would be the making of her lasted 2 weeks before she dropped the baby of to go clubbing and didn’t return for 4 days. The boyfriend still flutters in and out her life and has shown no real interest in his son. Social Services have given her lots of support and guidance she isn’t interested - even on the weekends where my friend looks after her son she will occasionally pop by if she hasn’t anything else on.

I feel for you and like you she will always be there for her daughter.

I agree with this.

Sadly you can't dictate what she does, you can draw boundaries for yourself and make them clear now, and if when baby is here the abusive, violent father is around them you can call social services.

If you actually read the OP you'd realise it's not just about age. Her daughter is an addict who is with an abusive man, it's cruel and selfish to bring a child into this situation.

If you actually read the OP you'd realise it's not just about age. Her daughter is an addict who is with an abusive man, it's cruel and selfish to bring a child into this situation.

This is so difficult on a number of levels. We don't know how p3regnant op's dd is, I don't think, so the relevance of the abortion issue is difficult to assess. She could be 6 weeks, she could be 12 weeks?

Assuming it's six weeks or thereabouts, whilst abortion is an option and may be the sensible thing, I don't think the op should have raised it immediately. I appreciate the shock and the immediacy of the comment but it would have been better saved for a day or two's time. "Have you thought about how you'll look after the baby/cope with your addiction, etc, and gently ventured to allow the dd to reach the decision.

Sadly, I know one or two families where one child has turned to drugs and got in with the wrong crowd and a downward spiral. I also know of more vicariously and it seems that about half the young people sort themselves out to an extent by their late 20s. It is a very difficult situation for the families.

The op has also talked about tutoring and having support, especially materially. I wonder if the dd has an underlying MH condition and/or has something like ADHD which leads to addictive traits and less emotional control. I think MH issues often like at the root of addiction. We also don't know whether the op's dd has a job and/or a work ethic at all.

It's an horrendous situation and whilst I think the abortion comment was understandable, I don't think it was helpful. My heart goes out to the op.

The bottom line for the dd is: how are you going to care for this baby, where will the money come from, can you and him stop the drugs for things to be safe? You know the GP will disclose your history to the midwives and SS are going to be involved - how are you going to handle that? All of the aforementioned is your dd's responsibility. She remains your child and actually you do need to take care of her emotionalky abd remain her safe space. But you facilitate her taking care of the grandchild and that doesn't mean you care for it. Rather you support your dd if and when the child goes into care, with leaving the bloke, etc., but she has to come to her own decisions and take responsibility, if she can, for her actions and decisions, however hard.

Let's hope for now that nature may step in or your dd realises an abortion is a sensible option. Perhaps the Dr may even suggest it if she is very early on so it might be wise to encourage her to see the Dr ASAP.