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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend cancelled to spend time with his mum

212 replies

pinkerline · 17/09/2024 12:34

Boyfriend lives with his parents (the save for a deposit) 5 min drive away, finishes work around 7-8pm usually.

I live alone with DS age 5.

Boyfriend popped over last night for a couple of hours, and said he'd come over again tonight.

Usually we'd get to spend two nights a week together, but we're both away this weekend.

He has now cancelled, as he is going to spend the night with his mum as she spent last night on her own. This is because boyfriend's dad is away for work this week.

AIBU to think this is a ridiculous reason? Maybe I'm insensitive.

OP posts:
knittingdad · 17/09/2024 12:36

Would you know his mum will enough that he could invite you over there for the evening?

Original poster
pinkerline · 17/09/2024 12:37

knittingdad · 17/09/2024 12:36

Would you know his mum will enough that he could invite you over there for the evening?

Unfortunately not

OP posts:
IdLikeToBeAFraser · 17/09/2024 12:38

Well, seems a bit ridiculous but I have met older couples who do find it very difficult when the other one is away. It might also be that your DP and his mum enjoy having some time together without his dad sometimes. I'd be more irritated about the cancellation at short notice - he could have figured out that he's going to be busy ages ago.

Kingoftheroad · 17/09/2024 12:38

Is your boyfriend DS’ Dad? If not then you are being unreasonable.

ThisBlueCrab · 17/09/2024 12:40

Unless there is a massive back story you are being ridiculous and childish.

He doesn't want to leave his mum on her own 2 nights in a row when her husband is away...he sounds like a lovely guy quite frankly.

Sparklefroggle · 17/09/2024 12:41

I think it’s a lovely reason. Especially as his Mum is otherwise alone.

Frosty1000 · 17/09/2024 12:42

I'd not be bothered with this at all and actually would be glad he takes care of his mum. You will have other days together.

I'd treat yourself to a nice dinner and a box set and look forward to your next time together 🙂

Original poster
pinkerline · 17/09/2024 12:43

Ok thank you, seems I am BU.

Think I have a low tolerance atm as he's been a monumental bit of a dick recently.

OP posts:
Youmwarayoum · 17/09/2024 12:44

No, but you are being ridiculous. It’s ok for a grown man to want to keep his mum company.

Anisty · 17/09/2024 12:47

I am on your side, OP - and I speak as a Mum of adult sons! Unless the Mum is very ill this is a huge red flag. Especially as he lives with Mum; it's not like he hasn't seen her for a few years!

Your boyfriend should definitely choose you over his Mum. I'd be really worried if an adult son of mine chose to keep me company over seeing his girlfriend.

It makes mum sound a very sad and dependent character - has she not got plenty she can be getting on with whilst her man is away?

NewName24 · 17/09/2024 12:48

I'm with you OP (and I'm likely to be closer to the age of his Mum).

I would find it extremely odd if one of my adult dc cancelled seeing their girlfriend / boyfriend to 'keep me company' for no reason. Even if dh were away for a fortnight.
I have my own friends, and I am also perfectly able to keep myself occupied without being 'babysat'.
I'm guessing his Mum is only going to be 50s or 60s, not a 97 yr old who hasn't had any human contact for a fortnight ?

YANBU at all.

Neverstophoping · 17/09/2024 12:49

pinkerline · 17/09/2024 12:43

Ok thank you, seems I am BU.

Think I have a low tolerance atm as he's been a monumental bit of a dick recently.

Sounds as though there is more going on in your relationship than you said in your first post OP.

Youmwarayoum · 17/09/2024 12:50

pinkerline · 17/09/2024 12:43

Ok thank you, seems I am BU.

Think I have a low tolerance atm as he's been a monumental bit of a dick recently.

Maybe that background information is relevant to your original question. Might be helpful to explain.

goestheweasel · 17/09/2024 12:51

Maybe as a mum of a son you can see the nice side to it?

Crosswhatdoyouthink · 17/09/2024 12:52

NewName24 · 17/09/2024 12:48

I'm with you OP (and I'm likely to be closer to the age of his Mum).

I would find it extremely odd if one of my adult dc cancelled seeing their girlfriend / boyfriend to 'keep me company' for no reason. Even if dh were away for a fortnight.
I have my own friends, and I am also perfectly able to keep myself occupied without being 'babysat'.
I'm guessing his Mum is only going to be 50s or 60s, not a 97 yr old who hasn't had any human contact for a fortnight ?

YANBU at all.

Agree If one of my children stayed because husband is away I would urge them not too .I really crave 'me' time and enjoy prefer my own company when husband away!
Edited to say I absolutely adore my children and their company but also timecto myself as well

Melodysmum12 · 17/09/2024 12:52

He lives with his parents but can’t leave his mum on her own?! Hmm red flag! I’d be offended and worry he’s under the thumb at home and she will always come before you!

Original poster
pinkerline · 17/09/2024 12:58

goestheweasel · 17/09/2024 12:51

Maybe as a mum of a son you can see the nice side to it?

In theory I can

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 17/09/2024 13:03

I think it's reasonable to stay in with his mum if she's nervy about being alone teo nights in a row, but it sounds like maybe it comes at an opportune time for him to escape some tension between the pair of you at the same time?

I think it would be best to pick your battles here and leave him to it this week.

Just4thisthreadtoday · 17/09/2024 13:05

@pinkerline

As his Mum, I'd be more annoyed i'd lost my evening to myself!

it doesn't sound like you know his Mum well enough to know how she feel, so maybe he's using this as an excuse to not come around. What's changed between last night and today? He knew his Dad was away & he knew she was 'home alone' last night

in what ways has he been a monumental prick lately??

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 17/09/2024 13:05

I would not expect any of my adult sons to cancel a date to spend time with me if dh was away, unless there was an especially good reason why I needed someone with me and couldn't be left alone. Unless there is some genuine reason why his mum needs him there, I think your bf should be honouring his commitment to you, @pinkerline.

I see from one of your updates that he has been a bit of a dick recently, and that's why your tolerance may be low on this occasion. I'd urge you to take a long, hard look at the relationship, and see if you think he is treating you with respect, as you deserve to be treated. I would worry that you are out of the honeymoon period with him, and now he is showing you his real self - but I could be wrong - only you can decide.

Starlight1979 · 17/09/2024 13:05

If he's telling the truth then I personally wouldn't be bothered and would find it quite nice that he is close to his mum.

However there's always the chance that it's not the truth!

Ohdoboreoff · 17/09/2024 13:06

Gonna go against the grain here

He lives with his mum and dad yes. You said he popped over to yours for a couple of hours and the plan was to do the same the night after. So I'm assuming he was only going to stay at yours for a couple of hours again, then be off home to his mum and dads 5 min away

So his mum (a grown woman) would only have actually been alone for a couple of hours?

Do they live on some kind of lawless council estate with feral crackheads attempting to break in every night? Does she have care needs that mean she cannot be alone for a few hours? If not, I'd be getting the ick..

TheFormidableMrsC · 17/09/2024 13:07

Anisty · 17/09/2024 12:47

I am on your side, OP - and I speak as a Mum of adult sons! Unless the Mum is very ill this is a huge red flag. Especially as he lives with Mum; it's not like he hasn't seen her for a few years!

Your boyfriend should definitely choose you over his Mum. I'd be really worried if an adult son of mine chose to keep me company over seeing his girlfriend.

It makes mum sound a very sad and dependent character - has she not got plenty she can be getting on with whilst her man is away?

I agree with this. I wouldn't dream of asking my son to stay in and keep me company because I was alone for an evening. I think that's really weird personally. Unless she is very elderly and infirm and can't be left alone, it would be a massive red flag. I'm surprised that so many think you're being unreasonable OP. I don't think you are!

Mrsdyna · 17/09/2024 13:08

It's not that bad is it?

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 17/09/2024 13:09

Anisty · 17/09/2024 12:47

I am on your side, OP - and I speak as a Mum of adult sons! Unless the Mum is very ill this is a huge red flag. Especially as he lives with Mum; it's not like he hasn't seen her for a few years!

Your boyfriend should definitely choose you over his Mum. I'd be really worried if an adult son of mine chose to keep me company over seeing his girlfriend.

It makes mum sound a very sad and dependent character - has she not got plenty she can be getting on with whilst her man is away?

This ^