Boyfriend cancelled to spend time with his mum

[pinkerline]

Boyfriend lives with his parents (the save for a deposit) 5 min drive away, finishes work around 7-8pm usually.

I live alone with DS age 5.

Boyfriend popped over last night for a couple of hours, and said he'd come over again tonight.

Usually we'd get to spend two nights a week together, but we're both away this weekend.

He has now cancelled, as he is going to spend the night with his mum as she spent last night on her own. This is because boyfriend's dad is away for work this week.

AIBU to think this is a ridiculous reason? Maybe I'm insensitive.

I have to agree with this ^

and

You’ve been together for four years and still only see each other for a couple of hours twice a week. He really doesn’t sound very committed to the relationship.

Even putting aside the family's reaction to the pregnancy, (which I would have had to tackle with a partner at that time) it is clear that this "relationship" just doesn't have legs.

I can see that his family wouldn't be too keen on him dating an older woman with a child when he was just 20, and also not being thrilled about the pregnancy, so it would be quite interesting to hear a different perception of the relationship.

But, either way, you are clearly not on the same page, so let the relationship go.

Depending on her age it’s very strange if a grown woman cannot be on her own for 2 evenings

After 4 years, you deserve much more than this
I think he's making excuses
Frankly, it all sounds too complicated especially when you have your DS

Maybe she doesn't like being on her own. I have a friend in her 70s who simply cannot stay at home alone. It's hardly a red flag if he wants to spend a night with his mum, grow up!

He's OP's boyfriend, not her husband, why is she so much more important than his mum?

Unless his mum is disabled or unwell in some way i find it absurd she can’t be alone for two nights in a row.

Do you not just think the relationship has run its course.

You have been together since you were 20. You don’t like the way he behaves and you don’t like that he cancelled plans for his mum.

They aren’t impressed you got pregnant and blamed you and don’t speak to you. It doesn’t sound like the relationship has legs tbh.

If you aren’t happy, end the relationship. You don’t have to be a relationship you aren’t happy in.

No it's not ridiculous that he cares for his mum enough to not leave her on her own two nights on the run.

I actually think it's quite sweet.

I know you're disappointed but wind your neck in @pinkerline

If DH was away and my adult son offered to stay home to keep me company, I'd think he was out of his tiny mind and tell him to go about his life and be with his girlfriend whilst I watch my programmes with a glass of wine and some nice cheese in a lovely peaceful house.

He's taking the piss OP. Do you believe he's at home with his mum?

@ForGreyKoala
Mum is 55 and works full time, she's not a frail old lady

So he's living as a single man basically, at home with his mum, and sees you (for sex?) twice a week.

I don't think that's a good relationship
You can do much better, and set the bar higher.

Why are you settling for so little?

He's not invested in your relationship and that's clear.

Work on your self esteem and be ready for a better relationship later on. You're still just 24 and it's not necessary to 'have a man' .

Maybe this particular mum and son enjoy spending time together 🤷🏼‍♀️.

Why does mumsnet think it’s so awful for adult men to enjoy quality time with their mothers?
Would we feel this way about daughters?
Why is quality time with friends accepted as important , but not quality time with family?

BECAUSE HE LIVES WITH HIS MOTHER! He sees her every day, he cancelled a pre-planned date with his girlfriend to spend time with his mother...WHO HE LIVES WITH!

He already lives with his mother and spends 5 nights per week away from the OP. That sounds like more than enough time spent with his mother to be honest.

After a 4 year relationship, it should be the other way around. Just spending a couple of nights per week with his mother is more than enough, with the rest of the time spent with his girlfriend!

Yeh that’s a fair enough point, but just because they live together doesn’t mean they necessarily actually spend that much time together. Maybe mum’s DH being away means they have a rare chance to spend and evening just the two of them?

To me it sounds like the broader issues in the relationship are that it’s been 4 years and OP maybe wants more than what the boyfriend is wanting to give? I don’t personally think that there are any rules about how much time you spend with a gf/ bf or a timescale for things - it depends what each couple is happy with. OP and Boyf don’t live together (and DC isn’t shared) , so I wouldn’t really class that as a “partner”- it’s more a dating relationship , in which case one or twice a week hanging out sounds normal- but sounds like after all this time OP wants more? Fair enough, but I think the mother thing is a distraction here and not the actual issue..

He lives with her and has time with her every day .
This time he cancelled a date to stay with her.

It was an excuse.

He'd rather watch a film than see the OP.

You're making rather a jump , asking why sons can't spend quality time with their mums, without considering the context here.

If I was his mum and knew he was cancelling a planned date with@pinkerline I'd tell him to fulfil that promise to her.

I think the most important word in all your posts is this one:

Boyfriend.

This is a boy. Not a man. He's only 24 and lives with his parents. He has a lot of maturing to do.

He's a friend with benefits. You don't spend much time together, live together.

I would bet his family are clinging on to him, keeping him emotionally dependent and childlike.

The boyfriend sounds like he’s either got enmeshment issues (unhealthy dynamic) with his mother (and we’ve all seen threads on mummy’s boys on here) or is making excuses. Either way, he sounds like he still needs to grow up. I don’t think he’s a good prospect for OP to continue on with, as it reads like he’s acting as if he’s single/FWB with OP (and after 4 years, that’s an especially bad sign).

Again, why is a man spending an evening with his mother indicative of “enmeshment issues” and a “mummy’s boy”? “Mummy’s boy” is so sexist btw - gender shaming.

Posters need to read ALL before posting.

The mum didn't ask him to stay in.

It was HIS choice and is very clearly an excuse.

He said he wanted to keep her company .

Taking this at face value is perhaps a bit naiive.

What he was doing was using his mum as a scapegoat or a red herring (take your pick) because he didn't want to see the OP. Maybe he was seeing someone else instead.

In either case, he's only 24 and after 4 years together and nothing really moving forwards, this is not looking like a serious relationship.

She's 55. She works full time. He lives with her.

Husband away for a few days and adult son (who's still not flown the nest) at his girlfriend's? She was probably looking forward to having the house to herself, frankly.

I'm with you OP (and also concerned he's been monumental dxxk). I'm in my 50s with 3 kids. Healthy boundaried adults don't need looking after by their grown children

You're lucky to have found a man that cares so much for his parents.
Says a lot about him 💙

I’m a mum of an adult son who now lives at home.

If my husband was away for work and my son was out with girlfriend two nights in a row that would be heaven as I never get any time to myself any more.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable and I’d say this is a massive red flag that you will never the woman he puts first in his life.

The caveat to this would be if his mum had any health problems that mean she needs the support but if she is a fairly normal adult who I’m assuming is not that old then why does he need to be there?

EDIT just read your updates, his mum is 55 works full time, he’s 24, you’ve been together 4 years and nearly had a child together but you don’t really know his mum and you only see him a couple of times a week? WTF. What is the point of being in a relationship with him?

You say he's a dick, you usually spend 2 nights a week. He's living at home saving for a deposit. But manages to go wherever and do want he wants.
He used his mum as an excuse not to stay over.
He has you where he wants, handy for a few nights a week. But lives his best life 5 nights.
His family doesn't sound very nice.
Your young 24, with a beautiful child. Do what's right for you and leave him. He's holding you back.
You've your whole life ahead of you, and I bet there's someone just right for you, who will adore you.
You sound lovely, but don't let this dickhead control your life.
Best of luck x