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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend cancelled to spend time with his mum

212 replies

pinkerline · 17/09/2024 12:34

Boyfriend lives with his parents (the save for a deposit) 5 min drive away, finishes work around 7-8pm usually.

I live alone with DS age 5.

Boyfriend popped over last night for a couple of hours, and said he'd come over again tonight.

Usually we'd get to spend two nights a week together, but we're both away this weekend.

He has now cancelled, as he is going to spend the night with his mum as she spent last night on her own. This is because boyfriend's dad is away for work this week.

AIBU to think this is a ridiculous reason? Maybe I'm insensitive.

OP posts:
ConiferBat · 17/09/2024 13:56

He lives 5 mins drive away.
I get she might not want to be alone in the house overnight but he could easily have come for tea with you then back to watch TV with mum, whatever.

As you say he's been a dick recently, I'd assume he's no longer giving this relationship his all & not fussed about not seeing you at the weekend.

Also sounds a weird co-dependent family set up to me, but I'm not the best with that kind of thing.

WeirdyWorldy · 17/09/2024 13:56

Blimey OP. You've been together 4 years, miscarried and you still don't know his mum well.

As a mother of adult sons and similar age to his mum, it all sounds a bit strange.

Sorry to be suspicious but no way has he cancelled to be with his mum! It's beyond odd! Especially if other things are going on.

MakeMineaDigestivePlease · 17/09/2024 13:56

So you've been together for 4 years and all the time you get together is a few minutes 2 nights a week?

Are you planning on being together full time - you say he's saving for a home of his own?

TomAllenWife · 17/09/2024 13:59

Fuck me there's a lot going on here!!!!

Sounds like bullshit to me, if a man wants to see you he will.
You sound like a FWB
He's not saving
What does he do the other 5 nights a week?
His family sound awful

I would never expect my adult children to 'keep me company'. She's 55 not 95

Get rid and move on OP

MakeMineaDigestivePlease · 17/09/2024 14:00

He's possibly seeing someone else.

Sorry.

PiggleToes · 17/09/2024 14:00

Anisty · 17/09/2024 12:47

I am on your side, OP - and I speak as a Mum of adult sons! Unless the Mum is very ill this is a huge red flag. Especially as he lives with Mum; it's not like he hasn't seen her for a few years!

Your boyfriend should definitely choose you over his Mum. I'd be really worried if an adult son of mine chose to keep me company over seeing his girlfriend.

It makes mum sound a very sad and dependent character - has she not got plenty she can be getting on with whilst her man is away?

Red flag? A man who is nice to his mum? 🤔.

imo It speaks really highly of his character. A man who goes out of his way to take care of his mum is a) rare and b) a keeper.

pizzaHeart · 17/09/2024 14:00

WeirdyWorldy · 17/09/2024 13:56

Blimey OP. You've been together 4 years, miscarried and you still don't know his mum well.

As a mother of adult sons and similar age to his mum, it all sounds a bit strange.

Sorry to be suspicious but no way has he cancelled to be with his mum! It's beyond odd! Especially if other things are going on.

Yes to this^
Sorry, OP, I’ve asked about age and health, somehow missed your post that mum is 55 and no disabilities. There is nothing “ nice” about spending evening with mum in this situation it has a vibe of weirdness or lie, whatever you prefer.
My sister has grown up son and I can’t even fathom the situation as you’ve described.

armadillio · 17/09/2024 14:01

As he lives with her then yes it’s a bit weird. He is presumably at home the other nights of the week?

Aquamarine1029 · 17/09/2024 14:03

Come the fuck on, op. What are you even doing? Your standards are so low they are subterranean.

BirthdayRainbow · 17/09/2024 14:03

What a lovely caring son. I've just read the OP. No doubt there will be more information that should have been in the OP.

Moonshine5 · 17/09/2024 14:04

It's setting a bad precedent. What happens if the dad leaves the mum? Son will stay over every night?

AttachmentFTW · 17/09/2024 14:05

You had a miscarriage and his family don't speak to you? WTF is going on with that?

MakeMineaDigestivePlease · 17/09/2024 14:06

PiggleToes · 17/09/2024 14:00

Red flag? A man who is nice to his mum? 🤔.

imo It speaks really highly of his character. A man who goes out of his way to take care of his mum is a) rare and b) a keeper.

Show quote history

Women of 55 who work full time do not usually ask their adult sons to keep them company in the evening when their husbands are away. Especially as he lives there full time.

I've never heard anything so daft.

If you can't see it's a pretty feeble excuse....

MakeMineaDigestivePlease · 17/09/2024 14:07

BirthdayRainbow · 17/09/2024 14:03

What a lovely caring son. I've just read the OP. No doubt there will be more information that should have been in the OP.

She's 55 and works full time. Not 95 and on her own.

Wise up.

pinkyredrose · 17/09/2024 14:07

pinkerline · 17/09/2024 13:46

It isn't his mum who has pushed for this. Boyfriend said she was planning to watch a film, and he didn't want her to be lonely.

I know his mum, but we don't speak. I got unexpectedly pregnant a couple of years ago (miscarried) and the whole family blocked me.

I think you'd be better off without the lot of them. Do you actually enjoy being with this guy?

S0CKPUPPET · 17/09/2024 14:09

You don’t live together , you don’t have kids together, you are not engaged or in a committed relationship. I don’t think you get to tell him what he does with his free time, whether it’s seeing his mother/ going to a book club/ playing sport.

It doesn’t matter if you approve of these things or not , it’s his life.

MakeMineaDigestivePlease · 17/09/2024 14:10

pinkerline · 17/09/2024 13:46

It isn't his mum who has pushed for this. Boyfriend said she was planning to watch a film, and he didn't want her to be lonely.

I know his mum, but we don't speak. I got unexpectedly pregnant a couple of years ago (miscarried) and the whole family blocked me.

From what you say, he doesn't care about you at all.

After 4 years , he's planning to buy a house so he doesn't appear to see a future with you.

What makes you think he does?

saraclara · 17/09/2024 14:12

pinkerline · 17/09/2024 13:17

No she doesn't, she's 55 and works full time.

Show quote history

At 55 I'd have been completely bemused if my adult child (who livedd with me) felt they had to babysit me because their dad was away. I'd wonder how on earth they saw me if they thought that I was so pathetic that I needed it.

Either one or both of them is/are really helpless and needy, or he's just looking for an excuse not to see you.

Good grief, I'm a widow getting closer to 70 than I'm comfortable with. Yet for some reason my kids aren't visiting every evening to sit on my sofa to keep me company.

HRHelpNeededPlease · 17/09/2024 14:14

pinkerline · 17/09/2024 12:43

Ok thank you, seems I am BU.

Think I have a low tolerance atm as he's been a monumental bit of a dick recently.

Sounds like spending his time with his mum might be a bit of an excuse then. You say he popped round last night for a couple of hours and you usually only spend 2 nights a week together. I don't know how long you've been together but it doesn't sound like a very solid or serious relationship to me.

It's possible he's one of those very co-dependent mummy's boys who isn't going to commit, especially given that you already have a child. Perhaps he's holding out for his perfect princess with no baggage, who his mum approves of, and you are just filling his time nicely until she arrives.

crumblingschools · 17/09/2024 14:15

In normal relationship I would have no problem with a son spending time with mum, I am sure most people wouldn't bat an eyelid if this was daughter/mum relationship.

However, this relationship sounds awful. You have been together for 4 years but don't have a good relationship with the family, in fact they have blocked you. What was your partner's response to that? Is the plan to move in together once he has saved a deposit?

How is he being a dick? why do you only see each other twice a week?

How do the family treat your DC?

JHound · 17/09/2024 14:17

pinkerline · 17/09/2024 13:46

It isn't his mum who has pushed for this. Boyfriend said she was planning to watch a film, and he didn't want her to be lonely.

I know his mum, but we don't speak. I got unexpectedly pregnant a couple of years ago (miscarried) and the whole family blocked me.

That’s even weirder no? Why do you want anything to do with that family? Why is the boyfriend not intervening at the family’s weirdness.

HRHelpNeededPlease · 17/09/2024 14:20

PiggleToes · 17/09/2024 14:00

Red flag? A man who is nice to his mum? 🤔.

imo It speaks really highly of his character. A man who goes out of his way to take care of his mum is a) rare and b) a keeper.

Show quote history

It's not just 'being nice to his mum' though, is it?

Unless she has raging anxiety and can't be left alone, then it's a bit pathetic. He lives there. He must see her virtually daily, given that he only sees the OP around two nights a week in spite of being together for four years. That's not just 'being nice to your mum' that's a lazy, co-dependent man-child and commitment-phobe.

SummerFade · 17/09/2024 14:24

I think the back story is very relevant here and it sounds like you’d be better off in the longer term without him. He should have stuck up for you when you got pregnant and the fact he’s still prioritising his mum over you makes me think he really isn’t worth it.

You deserve someone who puts you first OP.

Sceptical123 · 17/09/2024 14:24

ThisBlueCrab · 17/09/2024 12:40

Unless there is a massive back story you are being ridiculous and childish.

He doesn't want to leave his mum on her own 2 nights in a row when her husband is away...he sounds like a lovely guy quite frankly.

The mother sounds quite pathetic actually. She can’t do more than one night on her own? She needs to grow up. What’s going to happen when her son eventually moves out, or her husband dies? Will she insist on moving in or getting nightly visits?

If it’s a new thing for her to cope with she should count herself lucky it’s not something she has had to tolerate all the time, like a lot of women whos partners work away.

notafanofmarmite · 17/09/2024 14:25

I don’t know the full situation….it might suit you to only have your boyfriend come over twice a week and keep it casual, and there is nothing wrong with that. It may be his mum needs his presence for some reason.

But if you want something more than twice weekly visits, drop him. There is a good website by Natalie Lue called Baggage Reclaim…she talks about accepting crumbs in a relationship, when we all deserve the full cake. I’m less concerned about your boyfriend you have had for 4 years cancelling, then I am about him seeing you only twice a week and his family ostracising you because you had a miscarriage. In addition, you’ve said he hasn’t been very nice to you lately. I’m a bit concerned if you aren’t happy with this situation about the effects this might be happening on your self-esteem….like you don’t deserve any more than crumbs? That’s no good.

I had a guy profess eternal love to me and string me along for a year in a long distance relationship as I seemed a suitable partner to him, but it didn’t smell right…mainly his unavailability, and I left him. I wanted more than crumbs. Turns out the whole time he was seeing me, he was divorcing his first wife (no idea…he didn’t tell me till I broke up with him), and unbeknownst to me he had a girlfriend on the side and got her pregnant…they then got married, were together for a few years, and split, and he is now single. I found all this out years after we split up.

Not too long after I left him, I met DH. I cannot think what would have happened if I would persisted with that crummy relationship. Take care of yourself.