Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend cancelled to spend time with his mum

212 replies

pinkerline · 17/09/2024 12:34

Boyfriend lives with his parents (the save for a deposit) 5 min drive away, finishes work around 7-8pm usually.

I live alone with DS age 5.

Boyfriend popped over last night for a couple of hours, and said he'd come over again tonight.

Usually we'd get to spend two nights a week together, but we're both away this weekend.

He has now cancelled, as he is going to spend the night with his mum as she spent last night on her own. This is because boyfriend's dad is away for work this week.

AIBU to think this is a ridiculous reason? Maybe I'm insensitive.

OP posts:
TenderChicken · 17/09/2024 13:28

I wouldn't be impressed by any of what you described.

Lives with his parents. Ick.
His mum can't be alone. Wtaf. Will this be a continual problem?
Blowing you off to hang out with his mum... when he lives with her.

I think I'd find it really hard to find this man attractive.

ItGhoul · 17/09/2024 13:31

This reply has been deleted

This is the work of a previously banned poster.

Ohtoberetired · 17/09/2024 13:32

You’ve been together for four years and still only see each other for a couple of hours twice a week. He really doesn’t sound very committed to the relationship.

ItGhoul · 17/09/2024 13:34

This reply has been deleted

This is the work of a previously banned poster.

JHound · 17/09/2024 13:34

I wouldn’t have an issue with boyfriend cancelling to keep his mom company. I guess I don’t see any need for prioritisation in terms of family relationships - more “need”.

However he should have been better organised and maybe not made plans with you in the first place.

Is it early days of the relationship?

Kelly51 · 17/09/2024 13:35

Sounds more like mum is a handy excuse not to come over. 4 years and he can't invite you to his mums?
Dump the monumental dick.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 17/09/2024 13:36

pinkerline · 17/09/2024 13:20

Not an intentional drip feed. The instances of dick headed-ness are really irrelevant to this tbh. Just allowed it to cloud my judgment

The instances of dickheadedness may be irrelevant to this issue, @pinkerline - but I would suggest you need to look at all his behaviour and see if you are willing to put up with it, going forward.

Everyone can be a bit of a dick sometimes, and if it is isolated incidents, and most importantly, if he realises when he has been a bit of a dick, and is sorry for it, then it doesn't have to be a relationship killer. But on the other hand, as I said earlier - it could be that this is the real him, and he's letting it show now he is more comfortable in the relationship.

pinkyredrose · 17/09/2024 13:36

There seems to be an opinion from a lot of people that 'older' people usually women mustn't be alone or they'll feel abandoned and lonely.

Newsflash - not all older people need to be 'kept company'.

PumpkinScarf · 17/09/2024 13:37

Given his mum is not elderly or ill I would find this really odd. YANBU.

pikkumyy77 · 17/09/2024 13:38

He isn’t in a relationship with you. You are really just a friend with benefits. I mean isn’t that obvious? My dh and I had a long distance relationship—coast to coast in the US for five years but after we got married there is no way he would have limited himself to a few hours twice a week. That’s a really casual relationship to me. And, worse, its not progressing. You don’t even know his mother enough to be invited over? I couldn’t stand my MIL and I hasd a closer relationship with her after four years than that.

JHound · 17/09/2024 13:40

Same - it’s baffling to me that people have an issue with this. In many cultures this is the norm and I don’t get why multi-generational living is bad. I left home to go to uni and then had to move for work but had I not I cannot imagine leaving home before my late 20s at the earliest.

morellamalessdrama · 17/09/2024 13:40

YANBU at all, it's odd behavior (and I have two teen sons).

LordBuckley · 17/09/2024 13:41

Together 4 years and you hardly know his mum?

JHound · 17/09/2024 13:42

Is it definitely your boyfriend OP? As in are you his girlfriend but he is not your boyfriend? I see you said elsewhere you have been together 4 years but you don’t know the mom well enough to be invited over. That is the bit that sounds odd and sounds more like a situationship to me.

honeylulu · 17/09/2024 13:42

Yikes, that sounds rather odd. It might be different if he rarely saw his mum (but they live together) or she was unwell (no mention of that).

I love having an evening to myself when everyone else is out. I can't imagine being so needy that I wanted an adult child to stay home and keep me company because my husband was at work!

This might be one of two different red flags. Firstly, an overly enmeshed/coexistent mother-son relationship. My cousin was once engaged to someone like this. His mother was very overbearing but he seemed to like it! He bought a flat and was doing it up to move in, the mother kept interfering and the project ran on and on so that the move was delayed by about 2 years. Then the mother was widowed unexpectedly, very sad, but after the initial grief things got even worse as she expected the son to become a substitute husband, going out to dinner as a pair and being her +1 at weddings etc. When cousin objected he broke off their engagement, moved back in with mother and sold the flat. As far as we know, he's still there (now aged late 40s).

The other, simpler scenario, given that he's been a bit of a dick recently, is that he's just gone off you (sorry) and it's an excuse to start fading out of your life.

I might be wrong but it doesn't look great.

TillyKister · 17/09/2024 13:46

pinkerline · 17/09/2024 13:23

4 years

4 yrs !!!! 😮
Oh OP chuck this one back.
You'll have a lifetime of him being a "Mummies Boy" I'm a mother to 8 lads and 4 girls, and there's very little I've not seen over the years with kids, parenting, dating relationships etc.

One of my DD got involved with a man like yours, it was a constant pattern of his Mum coming first even though his parents were both young and worked. It was always about his Mum.

If after 4 yrs of knowing him you don't know his mum very well, there's a reason for that too. He's keeping you at arms length, he's seeing you two evenings a week to satisfy his "needs" the rest of the time he's happy living at home having his washing, ironing and meals by Mummy. He's living the life of Riley.

You're on your own with a child, he's using you Sweetie, chuck him back.

Original poster
pinkerline · 17/09/2024 13:46

It isn't his mum who has pushed for this. Boyfriend said she was planning to watch a film, and he didn't want her to be lonely.

I know his mum, but we don't speak. I got unexpectedly pregnant a couple of years ago (miscarried) and the whole family blocked me.

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 17/09/2024 13:49

Yes YABU

You have no stake or claim to anyone's time. Whether you think their excuse is good enough or not. The only thing you control is your own boundaries.

You have no idea if something has happened in his/mum's environment, whether there has been bad news, whether mum is ill, multiple reasons. Or it could be the bf is a bit of a sap and mum is a control freak not willing to let the apron string untie. Who knows.

If it were me, I'd make no big deal of it, but I'd make sure whatever I planned for the evening didn't have me wallowing in self pity wondering why he chose mum over me, 🤔 Go do something good, even if it's nice food, bath and bed. Don't waste time wondering, you do you, let him do him.

notafanofmarmite · 17/09/2024 13:50

pinkerline · 17/09/2024 13:46

It isn't his mum who has pushed for this. Boyfriend said she was planning to watch a film, and he didn't want her to be lonely.

I know his mum, but we don't speak. I got unexpectedly pregnant a couple of years ago (miscarried) and the whole family blocked me.

May I ask what you are getting out of this relationship? His family has ‘blocked you’, and you only see him twice a week? I don’t know, I wouldn’t want to see anyone whose family ostracised me.

Neverstophoping · 17/09/2024 13:50

think I would be sceptical about his reason for cancelling, especially given the age of his Mum and the fact she works. Unless there is something going on in her life which makes her vulnerable in some
way.

You have hinted your relationship isn't good anyway but as you don't want to reveal more about what's going on its difficult to comment other than say it sounds as though he isn't being upfront with you re his reason for cancelling.

Edited to say I've just seen your update about the bad feeling between you and his mum. That makes it sound as though there is something more to this.

Demonhunter · 17/09/2024 13:52

Understandably a bit annoying, maybe there's things you don't know though. Perhaps his mum has a health issue or anxiety or something along those lines and finds it difficult alone, or maybe she's just nervous if they're normally together and have been for a long time, and she's always had either him or her son there.

Just trying to play devils advocate that he may not be being intentionally awful to you. Doesn't excuse any other crap behaviour though.

Sinisterdexter · 17/09/2024 13:52

Is your bf called Timothy?

Seriously op how old is he because if he’s over 25 I would have the massive ick?

MakeMineaDigestivePlease · 17/09/2024 13:53

ThisBlueCrab · 17/09/2024 12:40

Unless there is a massive back story you are being ridiculous and childish.

He doesn't want to leave his mum on her own 2 nights in a row when her husband is away...he sounds like a lovely guy quite frankly.

One of the maddest replies ever here.

My H was away on business for 50% of every year for 35 years.

Across the world including Oz, the Middle East, and the US.

I spent days on my own, as did a lot of my friends.

There is something seriously wrong if an adult woman can't spend an evening on her own.

pizzaHeart · 17/09/2024 13:53

So did he plan to stay the night initially or just to pop for a few hours?
How old is his mum and do you know if she has chronic illnesses/ mental health issues?

ThorndonCream · 17/09/2024 13:55

His mother is 55 and works fulltime. She is not some frail aged old woman. Nothing wrong with him spending time with her of course. And he does see her all the time as he lives there too. But he chose to cancel your arrangement at short notice so you spent the evening alone. I don't think this is going anywhere good. I'm not sure its anywhere good now either. Does he just come over for sex twice a week? Does he ever take you out? What do you do for Christmas and birthdays? I think I would be re-evaluating this relationship because this is not where you'd expect a relationships to be after 4 years if he was serious.