AIBU in expecting my teen boys to have tidy rooms

[Newbutoldfather]

I have two teen boys, early and mid teens. I expect them to keep their rooms tidy. This is non-negotiable. They need to be perfectly tidy at least once a week, so the cleaner can clean them. They can take water to their bedrooms but all other drink and food has to be eaten downstairs.

They have become pretty good at it and only need the odd nudge now, Also bedrooms are not ‘private space’. Unless the door is closed, in which case I will knock, we all go in one another’s rooms.

They can express their creativity (although don’t seem that bothered) by putting up posters or painting the walls (well, not personally, without help).

I think all the above is good role modelling and prepares them well for adult life, where spills, damage and rotting food have real consequences in terms of damaging a house and financial cost.

The reason I ask is the amount of threads where teenage rooms are vile with spills, rotting food and, less importantly, old and smelly clothes thrown anywhere and everywhere. And so many posters say that you have to respect their ‘private’ space and that they are teens and can’t help it (often, ridiculously, due to ‘lack of brain development.)

I wanted to do an AIBU to see if I was in the silent majority or if most people do see teen’s rooms as theirs to neglect and damage should they so wish.

"AIBU in expecting my teen boys to have tidy rooms?"

I'd feel pretty hypocritical if I tried to demand my kid cleaned their room, I remember how I was as a teen.
🤪

Well, usually people only post if they have an issue, so you wouldn't usually see a thread with someone stating that they are happy with their kids rooms, because it would be a bit pointless. It would just be a bit smug really, wouldn't it?

I think teens are like toddlers.

Some toddlers do not have tantrums. Their parents sometimes congratulate themselves on their parenting.

When those people have two or more children they usually discover that it is not their parenting that has meant their child does not have tantrums.

Some parents have perfect teens. You may be one of those parents, although with one early teens and one mid teens it's actually a bit early to say.

If you have a perfect teen it may or may not be your parenting that is the cause....

YANBU in suggesting/hoping they keep their rooms tidy.
YABU in demanding it.
I also wouldn't have wanted a cleaner in my bedroom space as a teen, or now tbh.

I have a no food upstairs rule and no they can't damage their rooms but if they want you to live in a mess that's up to them, just close the door. If the cleaner can't clean them so be it.

Of course your rules are fine and lucky you that your boys stick to them. You may find, as is my experience, that once they get to be older teens that are less accommodating and their rooms are messier, including hidden plates and wrappers stuffed down the side of the bed but please don't think that's because I don't care, it's because I have a lazy19 year old.

@AllBlackEverything ,

It is a discussion board.

I read many threads and certain things surprise me. Was curious to discuss. I am very happy with my boys.

It is unnecessarily confrontational to moan about a thread. If you think I am smug, just don’t bother to post.

Simples!

YANBU to want it.

YABU to demand or expect - at some point the Slob Phase kicks in and it’s horrible. But it isn’t forever and we ride it out like any other part of growing up.

I'm not fussed about tidy.
Kids are responsible for cleaning their own rooms in the main.
We have a no food or drinks rule upstairs. I do go in their rooms but also respect their privacy - I wouldn't walk in when they're in their rooms without asking and I wouldn't tidy their private things.

If their rooms are reasonably tidy with the odd nudge then you obviously don't have messy kids. I have one child like that. With the others it's constant nagging or they would live in chaos.

@Werweisswohin ,

‘I also wouldn't have wanted a cleaner in my bedroom space as a teen, or now tbh.’

I am curious what you do on holiday. Do you stick a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on your door for the duration and not allow the cleaning staff in?

My room was a pigsty as a teen! I just didn't care. My kids aren't teens yet but the battle to keep the room tidyish is ongoing already

I think your expectations are a bit high. I do expect my teens to tidy there rooms but it's not a weekly thing. My daughter is much better at it as likes a tidy space herself. My son has to be promoted, I don't expect them to leave food in there rooms and we don't eat in bedrooms as a rule. Maybe the odd snack if studying, but no meals.

Son has a tendancy to hord cloths but then if he doesn't have clean cloths because he's not put them in the wash that's his problem. I don't go remove them from his room.

I do see it as there space for them to clean and tidy and we don't really go in there unless we need to retrieve them for some reason. I always knock.
But we don't have a cleaner either and I don't clean their rooms, they do.

What do you mean when you say you have to 'give them a nudge' occasionally? What happens if their rooms are not up to your exacting standards?

It sounds absolutely stifling and souless to me and I'm not surprised they don't want to put up any posters. However, they'll fit right in to a military career where dorm inspections are the norm and the soldiers iron their hospital corners and sleep on the floor so that they don't mess up their beds.

No food upstairs is a rule here but I really do not go in dc rooms. It is their private, personal space and I respect that. We have a bring glasses down when the cupboard seems sparse but I honestly respect that they want and need privacy. They hoover once a month, bring down their laundry so I leave them to it.

Yes.
We don't tend to stay longer than a few days in one location.
A hotel bedroom isn't as private as my own bedroom though, surely that's obvious.

I reject your polarisation of the issue actually.
It's not a binary between "tidy, good role modelling" and "theirs to neglect and damage should they so wish"

From my pov it's their space. It's not rubbish about brain development - planning, organisation, impulse control are executive functions which are based in the frontal lobes and not fully developed in teens. Of course some teens are very organised, these things are a spectrum. I have one son whose room is immaculate, bed made, every day, and another whose room is like a bomb site. One is logical and mathematical, the other creative and expressive.

I am good role modelling by keeping the rest of the house clean and tidy. I think allowing my boys to have a space where no one is on at them and they can live how they wish is ok. This does not mean it's a no go zone. I expect dirty laundry in the basket (or it doesn't get washed). I expect dirty plates and cups returned to kitchen. I expect bins to be emptied every week on bin day. I just don't care if his floor isn't tidy. It's his room and he will learn that things get lost and broken if you don't have some kind of system in place.

YABU for conflating (un)tidiness with "spills, damage and rotting food".

I try not to but every so often I have to do a glass run.....🫣

My 16 year old does his own room, has done since he started secondary school. Puts his washing away, polishes, tidies and vacs once a week.

We don't have a cleaner though, I prefer to teach my ds how to do it as he might not have a cleaner to do it for him

We started it young with a daily tidy but their rooms were just for sleeping in as they had a playroom downstairs so were able to leave toys out. It was mainly clothes they removed were to be put in the laundry basket and any books read were put away. The habit of a daily tidy has meant that now at 21 and 18 their rooms are clean and tidy.

We also implemented tidying after dinner, table wiped, place mats put away, everyone in the kitchen putting things into the dishwasher, cleaning worktops etc and no one left the kitchen until it was all done.

I think these things mean they are used to it just like brushing their teeth. Chores/expectations are built up from toddler years so by mid teens they were cooking family dinners, they stripped their beds and put them on to wash. It depends on what chores they do now as to whether they are even used to chores.

Is it unreasonable to want it? No.

Is it unreasonable to expect it to happen? Probably.

Does it matter? Not if you simply accept that that's teenagers for you - and not just boys.

Does this mean they will grow up to be slovenly, unhygienic, careless husbands? No. Some do, some don't. But almost all teenagers have disastrous bedrooms.

My son's is somewhat is in the middle. He brings down cups/bowls regularly, he picks away at surface cleaning and every once in a while will blitz it. Most of the time he's pretty messy though (17). My daughter (15) is very tidy and takes a lot of pride in her room. My other daughter (13) is a gremlin and lives in a hovel. It's quite a small room and tbf she cleans and tidies it at least once a week, she's just incapable of keeping it tidy.

They won't live here forever. I pick my battles. They all still want to spend time with us and help out a lot with the dog/tidying shared spaces, so I'm okay with a nessy bedroom.

@MagpiePi ,

‘What do you mean when you say you have to 'give them a nudge' occasionally? What happens if their rooms are not up to your exacting standards?’

I remind them when the cleaner is coming and that they have to have their rooms tidy by then.

Of course there is a consequence if they fail; they get some pocket money deducted, but not a huge amount. I tell them it is payment for my time in needing to tidy the room. They start to learn that not only their time has value.

You know, it takes ages to really have a messy room! It is a bit like weeding, weeds don’t grow suddenly. If you tidy weekly, it takes 5-10 minutes tops, and I always help them if they are not sure of what to do.

If you think expecting 5-10 minutes work of a teen is ‘exacting’, I worry how they will do any normal job or look after themselves at university.

Tidiness isn’t an optional extra. It means you redecorate less often and don’t lose things when you really want them.

A messy room is no more a teenage phase that you ‘get through’ than not doing homework or bullying another kid. It is natural to be untidy, but they are taught the value of tidiness. One really likes being tidy now and hates mess. For the younger one, it is a work in progress. But he is getting there.

As you seem to have a very clear idea that you are not being unreasonable, and have articulated it at some length, it's difficult to see why you asked the question.