AIBU in expecting my teen boys to have tidy rooms

[Newbutoldfather]

I have two teen boys, early and mid teens. I expect them to keep their rooms tidy. This is non-negotiable. They need to be perfectly tidy at least once a week, so the cleaner can clean them. They can take water to their bedrooms but all other drink and food has to be eaten downstairs.

They have become pretty good at it and only need the odd nudge now, Also bedrooms are not ‘private space’. Unless the door is closed, in which case I will knock, we all go in one another’s rooms.

They can express their creativity (although don’t seem that bothered) by putting up posters or painting the walls (well, not personally, without help).

I think all the above is good role modelling and prepares them well for adult life, where spills, damage and rotting food have real consequences in terms of damaging a house and financial cost.

The reason I ask is the amount of threads where teenage rooms are vile with spills, rotting food and, less importantly, old and smelly clothes thrown anywhere and everywhere. And so many posters say that you have to respect their ‘private’ space and that they are teens and can’t help it (often, ridiculously, due to ‘lack of brain development.)

I wanted to do an AIBU to see if I was in the silent majority or if most people do see teen’s rooms as theirs to neglect and damage should they so wish.

I don't think it's unreasonable nor do I think it's needed. I had a hugely dirty bedroom as a teenager and manage fine as an adult. Do what works for you and your family, but don't be surprised if it isn't everyone's top priority.

Tidiness isn’t an optional extra. It means you redecorate less often

How does having things lying around on your desk, for example, mean you have to redecorate more often? It's not a choice between pristine as a showroom or smearing your own excrement on the walls.

I expect mine to keep his room tidy too. However I'm happy with his bedroom being his private space, I would not want him coming into my bedroom unannounced and so I do the same with him.

I’m with you and possibly stricter. All food is eaten in kitchen unless we are having a movie night and then I’ll do popcorn / snacks in the sitting room. Only water in carpeted areas. Laundry in a basket. Stuff put away. I have lots of ikea drawers so just a case of chucking it in. Clean laundry put away properly. I’ll go in once a fortnight and dust/ change bedsheets/ give it a proper hoover/ check stuff isn’t just being kicked under the bed. It doesn’t take very long as not very messy.

Surely it’s part of training them to be functional member of society? If you make a sandwich put the plate / knife in the sink and wipe table if necessary. I was a cleaner for a while (back in a professional job now) I was appalled to see the way some men (possibly women too but this was a group of men) would litter the worktops/ tables/ floors with crumbs and stickiness every day, somehow leave poo smear on toilet seat. It’s so disrespectful to whoever you are sharing a space with.

@PointsSouth ,

I asked it as I am mostly curious about the vote, which so far is showing that I am in the less vocal majority, albeit not a massive one.

Of course I want to hear others’ opinions but, as someone who taught secondary for 10 years, I believe high expectations are as important in parenting as teaching, so I won’t give them up. Of course these need to be coupled with both positive reinforcement, but also sanctions when required. Teens can do amazing things, they just need a bit of help sometimes.

And they would never be allowed to store plates or old food in their form rooms. Somehow, despite the ‘lack of executive function’, when incentivised, they all seem to be able to follow basic rules which are, ultimately, designed for their own good and to help them grow into capable and happy adults.

Clean and without food debris? yes
Tidy? no
I like a certain level of tidy downstairs and in my bedroom but I won't impose that on anyone else in their own bedrooms unless it impacts them in some way - such as desk too cluttered to do homework effectively or similar

This is perfect 👏

I'm somewhere in the middle ... mouldy food or damp towels/clothes left in the room is not ok, however I don't care if they make the bed or not, or have a bunch of stuff on top of the drawers, anything which is non-damaging is fine. I want them to feel like they have their own space with some control over it. My 14 year old keeps his room really tidy, 17 year old lets it get to a huge mess than has a big clean up every couple of weeks.

No, I wouldn’t expect teens or young adults to keep their rooms to a very high standard of tidiness. I’d be leaving them to it and expecting things not to become hazardous.

It’s totally normal for teens to go through the stage of living in a pigsty and then deciding they’d rather have it tidy. It’s part of the transition from child whose parent leads tidying to adult who does it themselves.

Your teens aren’t allowed a private space? I find that weird. I think it depends on the dc - dd1 pretty tidy just occasionally gets out of hand (during GCSEs fire example) and dd3 is mostly tidy with a little nudge… dd2 tries so hard but she’s a world of mess. I pick my battles.

I think you'd have to have a test group of kids with untidy bedrooms, to see whether they too grew up into capable and happy adults.

Anecdotally, I'd say that there's no demonstrable correlation between coffee cups in a teenage bedroom and incapable, unhappy adulthood.

We do have a no food upstairs rule (occasionally broken with permission).

Were you in the army @Newbutoldfather?
Are you aware of the impact overly controlling parents/teachers can have?
Are you aware that your teens are individual people?

Their rooms-they have them as they want them. And I hope you knock and wait, not just knock.

We used to have the no food in rooms rule but with teens they can take non mucky food up . They always ask first . They bring their plates out though not necessarily downstairs . One son adds his clothes to the wash pile one uses his chair .

We are also an open doors household , it’s not been raised yet by either but I would rather they weren’t behind closed doors watching Dodgy stuff or having a crisis .

Both rooms are relatively messy at times but I dust round stuff and chuck it all on the bed to hoover every couple of weeks .

I think it’s a work in process .

'Perfectly tidy' is a ridiculous expectation. There is also a huuuuge gulf between 'keeping a room perfect' and 'letting your teen live with mouldy food and allowing them to damage their rooms'. Your black and white thinking on this is concerning.

Children and teens should also have privacy and you are not respecting that.

I grew up in a really untidy home, my bedroom was an absolute state (couldn't see the carpet) for most of my teen years, and now as an adult I drive my DH nuts because I am messy and untidy, and can function perfectly fine in what I think is a reasonable level of stuff being in places and what he thinks is a hideous mess.

I would love to be a bit more on the tidier side of things, so kind of wish I'd had a stricter situation growing up. My house is now much, much tidier than my parents'. I spoke to my mum about it the other day, she grew up in a really strict household where everyone had certain chores to do and she hated it, so went the other way with us where we were basically never expected to do anything. It meant when she did ask us to do stuff we all kicked off (god I remember making such a scene about hanging laundry up or running the hoover round as a teen) and my siblings who still live at home will eat dinner and leave dirty plates/cups etc on the side in the kitchen, even if the dishwasher is empty.

I'm striving to hit a middle ground with raising mine where he knows how to tidy, sees it as part of daily life, and doesn't want to live in a cluttered mess. But I'm not sure I set the best example, DH is much better than me.

I think most sounds okay but I really don't like your statement that bedrooms are not private spaces. Yes they are. They are the spaces where your teens can be themselves and relax. For me a good thing to model is that boundaries are okay so it is fine to say my bedroom is my private space and I would prefer it if people don't come into it.

I think open doors is unrealistic - we all need privacy at some point.

My teens/early 20's grew up in super tidy rooms, but they are moderately tidy now.
I couldn't be arguing the point for super tidy every day.
No plates or cups are ever to be found but they do eat chocolate, snacks they buy up there.
It is their space, I always knock, always have knocked, its a good respectful habit from when they were small.
I am happy with the above as I too hear of very messy rooms where floors cannot be seen.

I tended to turn a blind eye - but it emerged that they really had got into a doom spiral where they couldn't get the rooms organised and keep them tidy how they were - so recently we re-did the rooms, decluttered with them, sorted out storage that fitted with how they are (so the child who lives in hoodies and leggings wanted more drawer space, but the child who lives in dresses wanted more hanging room) and since then - they've generally kept them tidy. The eldest's gone from living in a bomb site - to it being pretty much spotless! The youngest we do go in once a week and support her by talking through what goes into what space - but she's got really significant inattentive ADHD so needs that bit more support.

It’s not really cleaning though, just having a quick tidy up before the cleaner arrives Surely better to teach them responsibility for their own spaces, they won’t have a cleaner at university for example when they move out of halls and it’s important for young people to learn to take care of themselves independently.

Do they get to walk round the exercise yard for an hour a day ? Can they earn privileges if they are extra vigorous with the Mr Sheen?

We have a no food in rooms rule. We also have a rule that clothes are only washed if put in the laundry basket, or if they do it themselves.
Does it matter that you can't really see the carpet in my DD's room? No. She goes through periods of getting fed up with it and having a good clean/tidy.

I think you are modelling to your children that they follow rules because they have to and that they can't expect to have privacy in their rooms.