AIBU in expecting my teen boys to have tidy rooms

[Newbutoldfather]

I have two teen boys, early and mid teens. I expect them to keep their rooms tidy. This is non-negotiable. They need to be perfectly tidy at least once a week, so the cleaner can clean them. They can take water to their bedrooms but all other drink and food has to be eaten downstairs.

They have become pretty good at it and only need the odd nudge now, Also bedrooms are not ‘private space’. Unless the door is closed, in which case I will knock, we all go in one another’s rooms.

They can express their creativity (although don’t seem that bothered) by putting up posters or painting the walls (well, not personally, without help).

I think all the above is good role modelling and prepares them well for adult life, where spills, damage and rotting food have real consequences in terms of damaging a house and financial cost.

The reason I ask is the amount of threads where teenage rooms are vile with spills, rotting food and, less importantly, old and smelly clothes thrown anywhere and everywhere. And so many posters say that you have to respect their ‘private’ space and that they are teens and can’t help it (often, ridiculously, due to ‘lack of brain development.)

I wanted to do an AIBU to see if I was in the silent majority or if most people do see teen’s rooms as theirs to neglect and damage should they so wish.

We never had Slob Phases. They could eat in their rooms, but just took the plates etc out after and put in the dishwasher. Dirty clothes in laundry basket as they would want them washed. I don’t think we’ve ever discussed it tbh.

It all sounds a bit uptight and joyless to me.

I like a tidy home, that's my preference, but when my DDs were teens what they did in their rooms was up to them. That was their personal space. Obv if the rooms got revolting or unhygienic I would step in but I never expected show home tidiness/cleanliness.

Agree. It’s really mean and not healthy. A power thing I’d say.

You seem very rigid in your thinking, OP.

For what it is worth, i had a messy room as a teen (and still do now, on occasion) and got straights As at school and now have a demanding professional role.

People (teens included) are more nuanced than you give them credit for.

And a bedroom is absolutely a private space.

I agree with you OP, and the same should apply were it young women. Not just to consider the cleaner.

I have a lovely teenager. She is honestly a joy. Her room is pretty much a mess most of the time. It's mostly clean clothes all over the place and craft stuff that she's making. She tidies eventually and badly if I ask her to put some clothes away but seems to get messy again before you know it. I tend to shut the door and not think about it. The rest of the house is clean and tidy and she's great if I ask her to clean out a cupboard. I'd rather have a happy teen than lots of conflict.

Is this a mansplaining thread? It's all a bit 'Man here'

As in the OP

I've reread their posts and you're right, it does come across a bit "I'm a man and will happily tell you what I do and that everything else is wrong"

Good spot!

Yes the OP. Telling the mums on MN they are doing parenting wrong.

There is a massive difference between no rules and ALL the rules.

As a teacher, surely you know that giving a bit of autonomy and agency helps kids to grow up and develop equally important skills like problem solving.

It sounds a bit like you've solved teenagers and can't believe that any of them should be allowed freedom of thought.

Also, jeez, let them have their own space and stop walking into their bedrooms.

Me and my kids are all naturally messy. If left to our own devices, we would certainly descend into chaos. I do the organised mum method which does help me to keep on top of things. I get my sons to clean and tidy their own rooms on a weekly basis. They do not do this willingly. They need a kick up the butt and the threat of removing screens/privileges to motivate them. I also have to be there to supervise and tell them what they need to do next.

We also have a no food and drinks in bedrooms rule, but they often sneak things up there and poke rubbish down crevices. I don't know why. There are perfectly good bins in their rooms.

My eldest son has recently moved out, and whilst I miss him, I'm quite looking forward to deep cleaning the bedroom

@StarSlinger ,

‘Yes the OP. Telling the mums on MN they are doing parenting wrong.’

Well, it seems that nearly 60% of the mainly women on here agree with me. Sorry if that disappoints.

The ‘mansplaining’ jibe is really sad. I think it comes from a position of defensiveness. If you felt confident in your position, you would attack the argument rather than the poster.

If there is any ‘splaining’ (revolting contraction) from me (which I don’t think there is. I am putting my perspective, the same as everyone has the right to do), it is from someone who has had a bit of formal education in teaching and motivating teens.

We all have our perspectives. Many seem to think I am controlling. I think allowing teens total freedom in their bedrooms is lazy, over permissive parenting, which will do the teens no good on average (of course, with human behaviour, there are exceptions to every rule).

It's their space and as long as they aren't damaging the walls/floors or doing anything that causes some kind of environmental hazards eg leaving food out, trash etc then they should be able to treat it how they want. My mum was always on at me about having a messy room and it never made any difference - just made it less fun to be at home. When I moved out, I learnt my own lessons and had to grow up/be tidier. But they need to figure it out themselves.

And I think your controlling behaviour will drive a wedge between your and your sons. Such Victorian values belong in the past as do you.

I don't need a man to tell me how to parent.

I think the crux of it for me is - what is the purpose of their bedroom? I see a bedroom as a personal space that you have how you want. You seem to see it as an extension of the shared space that should be kept to your standards.

For me, as long as there wasn't anything rotting in there and they opened a window occasionally, how their room is is up to them. It's how they learn natural consequences: if your room's an absolute tip and you can't find something, you'll learn to keep it clean. If a friend is coming over and you're embarrassed, you'll remember that. Equally, if you're happy for it to be a mess and it doesn't impact your life, you'll leave it as it is. It doesn't impact you, as a person who doesn't sleep or exist for any extended time in any way (as I said, unless they're damaging anything by leaving rotting food around - in which case you're well within your rights to complain). But otherwise - it's their room.

Your post just stinks of a man insisting he parents better than a woman. I don't see 60% of posters agreeing with you either, I see the majority pointing out that you're too strict over something that doesn't even need it.

You've trained your children to tidy away ready for a woman to clean after them. Ironic really. Try training them, and yourself, to actually cleaning, it's not just a womans job, your penis isn't that big that it stops you dusting and mopping

What rules did you have growing up OP?

I am curious to know if you can imagine a holiday without cleaning staff.

I am 56 years old and I don't think I've ever been on holiday with cleaning staff.

60% of us are disagreeing with you, OP.

It worries me* *that you seem unable to grasp that there is a middle ground to be had. Raising teenagers without compromise is a hiding to nowhere.

I don’t agree with op, apart from having old food and dirty clothes in the room because that is just gross, and I think it’s extremely important for them to have a room that is truly theirs and is private if they want.

But dear lord some people on MN really hate men.

The bedrooms are not private space comment got my back up! Your poor boys!

It's better to leave doors closed for fire safety, or at least that's what we were taught.

Doesn't sound healthy to me. By all means expecting cleanliness. But being untidy isn't a major crime in my book.

I'm more concerned about the lack of privacy you seem to be giving your kids. I remember being a teenage boy and all the changes you go through. I think most teen boys go through the stage of getting aroused at very little, and don't want Mum or Dad walking in while they are watching hollyoaks etc. 😎

Both girls and boys of that age need their own private space where they can say who enters or not. My parents would only really go in to put clean clothes on the bed for me to put in drawers.

@cerebuswannabe ,

‘The bedrooms are not private space comment got my back up! Your poor boys!’

I think if someone doing something differently from you gets your back up, you need to step away from social media. Poor? They are extremely privileged in many ways and I am not talking just about money.

As another poster upthread said, are your children banned from your room, even if you have the door open? It works both ways.

I have said many times that, if they want privacy, all they need to do is close the door.

So cease with the straw man arguments,