AIBU in expecting my teen boys to have tidy rooms

[Newbutoldfather]

I have two teen boys, early and mid teens. I expect them to keep their rooms tidy. This is non-negotiable. They need to be perfectly tidy at least once a week, so the cleaner can clean them. They can take water to their bedrooms but all other drink and food has to be eaten downstairs.

They have become pretty good at it and only need the odd nudge now, Also bedrooms are not ‘private space’. Unless the door is closed, in which case I will knock, we all go in one another’s rooms.

They can express their creativity (although don’t seem that bothered) by putting up posters or painting the walls (well, not personally, without help).

I think all the above is good role modelling and prepares them well for adult life, where spills, damage and rotting food have real consequences in terms of damaging a house and financial cost.

The reason I ask is the amount of threads where teenage rooms are vile with spills, rotting food and, less importantly, old and smelly clothes thrown anywhere and everywhere. And so many posters say that you have to respect their ‘private’ space and that they are teens and can’t help it (often, ridiculously, due to ‘lack of brain development.)

I wanted to do an AIBU to see if I was in the silent majority or if most people do see teen’s rooms as theirs to neglect and damage should they so wish.

No I disagree. Teens are a breed apart. It's a scientific fact that Human brains are still developing untill 28. Teens are prone to unpredictable behaviour. I would think it reasonable to assume that their room is your property!!!!!!!! To keep reasonably nice by you. Not them because they won't. Esp. floors. ....Do not give the bestest carpets or floor covering..... Make it known that you will be dusting and cleaning in there rooms. It's wise to assume teens will not keep the place clean rather than go in after a year and find a horror story. You are not being horrible to do this, I don't understand the problem. For sure you are walking on eggshells because you adore them but be practical about it , be hygienic and clean, they ll probably love your diligence.

It is clear that people have a multitude of different thoughts and approaches to parenting teenagers.
There really is no reason to vilify others because they think differently to you.
Live and let live, with no smugness nor self-flagellation.

The OP clearly thinks they’ve got things right and they are raising well balanced and purposeful children. Well done. But there is always more than one way to skin a cat.

@Swiftie1878 ,

Yes, you are definitely right, and that is leaving aside the fact that a large part of who they grow into is innate anyway.

I was more amazed at people who would never go into a teen’s bedroom or who let rooms actually get mouldy and smelly.

This was meant to be a nice chat…..probably where I should have put it, rather than AIBU!

Don't be so disingenuous.

It was never going to be a "nice chat"

You were never willing to participate in a discussion and instead chose, at length, to speak at them, to be rude, to be insulting and showed no signs of accepting that other parents do things differently and get equal, if not better results.

It was a thinly disguised attempt at berating women and how they parent at best.

I think you are understandably basing your opinions of teenage behaviour on your experience of your 2 children but from my experience and speaking to friends, not all teenagers are so compliant and many do really struggle.

I had a phase in my mid teens where I was incredibly messy. Did I struggle when I left home and at uni? Not at all! Am i clean, tidy and organised now? Yes. I can only assume, my brain changed and developed.

So my house is kept very clean and tidy. I have one child who‘s room on the whole is kept very tidy. He understands he gets less pocket money if he doesn‘t do his chores which include tidying his room. My teenage daughter on the other hand lives in a constant mess. Sometimes the idea of loss of pocket money will get her tidying, but if she has no plans for the money, she really isn‘t fussed. So both have the same parenting but with very different outcomes.

The idea that a messy room takes time, makes me laugh though and makes me wonder if you‘ve ever met a teenage girl. Her room can go from spotless to bomb site within 24 hours easily and would take far more than a ten minute tidy up to sort it.

@Tiredandgrumpy31 ,

‘The idea that a messy room takes time, makes me laugh though and makes me wonder if you‘ve ever met a teenage girl. Her room can go from spotless to bomb site within 24 hours easily and would take far more than a ten minute tidy up to sort it.’

LOL, I used to be a teacher and 6th form tutor at a girls’ school, so I have met hundreds of them!

I was also in the teacher tidying rota of the 6th form common room, which was meant to involve just supervising the girls, but I often ended up doing loads myself, just to set an example and show them how to do it.

And it was often the same girls who made the worst of the mess and the same tidy girls who got really annoyed at them for doing it.

They hated the ant infestations which came from leaving crumbs around.

Ultimately, I guess a large part of the debate is whether everyone’s rooms should be permanently private in a family home or whether they are communal space in a shared home (unless the door is closed because people want privacy). I (and most of my friends) believe in the latter, but i have found out that many on here believe in the former.

My 4dc have all not wanted me to go in their rooms when they were teenagers - dd3 (16) has a bit of a hissy fit if I do. Ds has always liked his room to be tidy but dds not so much. I was pretty much the same as a teenager so it doesn't bother me too much. I have told dd3 that I expect her to be able to vacuum the room once a week. I can't imagine policing their rooms - my df made my life a misery as a teenager going on about my room!

No not unreasonable. For all the same reasons. My older teens rooms have to be kept clean and tidy, clean is more important to me. Floors hoovered daily otherwise the carpets will get ruined. I can’t deal with mess even behind closed doors. If they don’t want me in there then they have to keep their rooms clean themselves.