AIBU in expecting my teen boys to have tidy rooms

[Newbutoldfather]

I have two teen boys, early and mid teens. I expect them to keep their rooms tidy. This is non-negotiable. They need to be perfectly tidy at least once a week, so the cleaner can clean them. They can take water to their bedrooms but all other drink and food has to be eaten downstairs.

They have become pretty good at it and only need the odd nudge now, Also bedrooms are not ‘private space’. Unless the door is closed, in which case I will knock, we all go in one another’s rooms.

They can express their creativity (although don’t seem that bothered) by putting up posters or painting the walls (well, not personally, without help).

I think all the above is good role modelling and prepares them well for adult life, where spills, damage and rotting food have real consequences in terms of damaging a house and financial cost.

The reason I ask is the amount of threads where teenage rooms are vile with spills, rotting food and, less importantly, old and smelly clothes thrown anywhere and everywhere. And so many posters say that you have to respect their ‘private’ space and that they are teens and can’t help it (often, ridiculously, due to ‘lack of brain development.)

I wanted to do an AIBU to see if I was in the silent majority or if most people do see teen’s rooms as theirs to neglect and damage should they so wish.

Only allowed water.
Have to clean to your standards (either do it yourself or ask them to do it, not both). It has to be “perfect”, your word.
You expect show house tidiness.
Their rooms aren’t their own space, they’re not babies anymore.
Charge them for your time. Presumably you also reimburse them for their time if you make them go anywhere?
You treat them like pupils in a school, look down on them rather than live with them.
You are with any opinion on the thread that isn’t the same as yours, that tells me a story.

You’re not allowing them to form habits, you’re enforcing rules and regulations.

Oh my, an insult, I'm so upset.

(Yes, that's irony. I've met a fair few controlling folk in my time. They also shut down any criticism with irrelevant insults).

@Werweisswohin ,

ahh, you have the monopoly on insults?! I didn’t realise, so sorry.

It is amazing how many see their own worst vice in others.

This.

He is the worst type of person to have a discussion with as there is no discussion. It's very much an I'm right and you will listen to me type attitude. He comes across as though he he's that person in real life who never listens but lectures.

He's already accused me of being obsessed with him because I replied twice on the thread. I genuinely think he was expecting lots of one time posts of how impressed we all are, hence me suggesting he gets it moved to the Dads section.

Eh?
I've made comments based on what you actually wrote.
You chose to insult me for daring to criticise you, not because you can actually determine whether I am actually 'bitter' or not. You haven't even indicated what you think I'm supposedly bitter about. You just chose a random and baseless insult.

Hmm I had a childhood friend whose mother was really strict about her bedroom. Like you it was a water only rule, no food or snacks. She would also come in often and moan if we had 'made a mess' in her room. If I had a shower I had to squeegee the shower doors afterwards 😂

This was just one element of her overbearing parenting. As a friend I never felt comfortable at her house, and now she has children of her own (my god children) she actively tries to avoid parenting in the way that her mum did.

@brunettemic ,

‘Only allowed water. ‘

They can eat in any room without a carpet, or the garden. That gives them a choice of about 4 rooms. We eat main meals together at the dining table.

‘Have to clean to your standards (either do it yourself or ask them to do it, not both). It has to be “perfect”, your word. ‘

They don’t have to clean at all! They have to do basic tidying. And if you find picking your clothes off the floor to be overly demanding, I have to disagree.

‘It has to be “perfect”, your word.’

Really! I think that is, in modern parlance, fake news. I either never used the word or you have taken it totally out of context.

‘You expect show house tidiness.’

Again, fake news…

‘Charge them for your time. Presumably you also reimburse them for their time if you make them go anywhere?’

Again, taken totally out of context. There has to be a consequence and it is loss of a small amount of their generous allowance. I do think it is important for them to realise that their parents aren’t slaves who just pick up after them.

‘You treat them like pupils in a school, look down on them rather than live with them.’

You have a poor opinion of schools. In a well run school , the teachers encourage and motivate happy achieving pupils. They certainly don’t look down on them. I try to emulate the principles of that, yes. But, no, it’s not a house share between friends. As I explain to them I will always listen to them and try and find a fair compromise but, ultimately, as I am the one taking the responsibility, I am the one with the final decision.

If this makes me a terribly controlling person, I can live with it.

I don’t a poor opinion of schools, I have a poor opinion of your rules. They certainly don’t encourage people to be “happy and motivated”, you dictate and punish.

Ultimately the entire conversation is pointless because you ask for opinions and then disagree with them anyway.

@YellowphantGrey ,

‘He's already accused me of being obsessed with him because I replied twice on the thread. I genuinely think he was expecting lots of one time posts of how impressed we all are, hence me suggesting he gets it moved to the Dads section.’

Well, you have now posted 13 times on this thread, not two, virtually all ad hominem attacks. Your opening gambit was to tell me to teach my boys to clean and learn to clean myself. Why? I keep my house clean between weekly cleaner visits.

Do you resent me because I am a man or because I can afford a cleaner, or both?

That is a rhetorical question, by the way. Please don’t feel obligated to post a 14th time! No need to feed the troll, as they say, if that is your opinion of me.

And, if there were rules of misandry (to parallel the 10 rules of misogyny), you are ticking all the boxes:

1/ Assume the poster is sexist

2/ if the facts don’t fit, make up some that do.

3/ Tell him he has no right to post on a public forum as that is your private space (see your suggestion to move it to the ‘Dads section’ (gr dads’)).

4/ If the man doesn’t sneak away with his tail between his legs, call him a creep.

This thread wasn’t meant to be about me. I probably should have used the 3rd rather than the first person in my OP. I just thought it would get more replies-which it did, but not in the right way! I live and learn….

I might also go for a non-male name and watch how much better identical posts are responded to. I did it before and the difference was amazing, It just feels a bit dishonest…

My eldest will tidy up his laundry off the floor when prompted but not if he's in a rush.

I trust he will do it when he has time.

No, I wouldn't have appreciated a cleaner in my bedroom years ago as a teenager! It was my own personal space.

Disagreeing isn't sttacking.

I agree with you 💯 I have exactly the same expectations. Being Irish I think I have a serious bee in my bonnet about raising a useless son and that thinks such jobs are women’s work.
My 13 year old son makes his bed, takes his dishes up. (I do allow him to eat a snack in his room).
If he keeps it right, washes two cars a week he gets weekly money. In the summer holidays he would empty dishwasher, hang out /fold a wash, tidy the kitchen. He got into such a good habit of these daily tasks that we didn’t even have to ask. I wish he wasn’t back at school, it is my day off and I have pissed about all morning with nothing done🤣🤣🤣

Yeah, this is the bit that leapt out at me. No private space? Grim.

I think you sound quite controlling of your dc. Things like no private space and control of where they eat is unusual and not really respectful imo.

Focus on "misandry" implies a lack of understanding of gender oppression imo. Even if there is a backlash from the oppressed group towards the oppressing group (which I don't necessarily accept) then it still isn't the same as the actual oppression.

I resent your posts because you've not engaged or shown willing to engage in a discussion. The fact you have a penis is irrelevant.

You've instead chosen to lecture everyone, ignored everyone who has replied that have said they parent their teens and instead, gone in one everyone with a different opinion to yours because you're so convinced your way is the only way.

And you've accused me of being obsessed and hating men because I don't agree with you. Do you act like this in real life?

You seem to beaming with pride over the fact your teenage sons, and yourself, can pick clothes off the floor ready for a female cleaner to clean yet you can't seem to grasp the irony of you coming on, and berating women for not raising teens properly

Why didn't you post on the Dadsnet? Then you'd get the glowing praise you want for teaching your kids the basic?

I don't even know why I'm.asking questions because you refuse to answer them and instead, have chosen verbal abuse and insults and name calling

You started this thread here purely to give you a platform to accuse women of being men haters and to insult them and decided to use the subject of tidy teens to do it.

No wonder women choose the bear.

My children have grown into confident, capable, responsible and happy adults without any such Draconian rules or sanctions for not having tidy rooms when they were teenagers.

This thread is a prime example of why so many posters dislike men posting here.

What is it you want?

Plenty of people have rules for their teenagers. Plenty of people have teenagers who keep their rooms clean. Some don’t even have rules around it.

I don’t. My son is autistic. His room is spotless because that’s how he needs it. Dd needed a few rules but nothing strict and not many. However their rooms are still always their private space. As my room is private.

Some parents are happy for their kids to keep their room how their kids sit fit. Some parents see their children’s rooms as the parents space and so don’t let children have any influence or say about how it looks or what state it’s in. And most are somewhere in between.

But also, some people have children who are on the spectrum, have MH issues, other things going on and setting all the rules you want don’t work.

the vast majority of parents are trying their best. So not sure what you are trying to achieve here.

You could have more kids and have the same rules and it wouldn’t work. Because parenting styles also depends on the kids. I find it rare multiple kids respond perfectly to the exact same parenting their sibling got. Unless there’s some underlying fear of misbehaving, not towing the line etc.

A stealth brag, I think you’d call it…

I'm with you on this, teenage sons 15 and 17. Expected to keep rooms tidy, don't have food and drink in them. No nagging needed, it's normal behaviour. Keeping things tidy is a skill for adulthood.
We all go into each other's rooms, door closed means do not disturb.
If I had a cleaner, I would be happy for them to clean everywhere in the house.

Except this OP has nothing to brag about.

Absolutely not. They have privacy as does everyone in the house.

Seeing as my post was deleted I'll just have to point put again that OP is controlling and allows his children no privacy.

Right, so in that case you don't agree with OP.

My response was quoting someone suggesting I was a bully. Their post has been deleted.
My original answer agrees with original poster.