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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask ds to go out more

207 replies

treadingcarefree · 02/09/2024 11:45

Ds 24 is always in and always observing me. If I'm on the phone he'll stand around listening and laughing, commenting on my conversation.

Ds9 has autism and it's been the summer holidays and he can be very hard to manage when he has a meltdown and ds will stand and watch and observe, if he's in the kitchen for example and I'm trying to manage ds he'll pop his head out to watch and observe.
I constantly feel analysed as he stands watching what's going on.
Ds work compressed hours so is home 4 days a week under my feet watching what I do. It's like having a helicopter constantly hovering in the room.
I have asked him if he can go out occasionally instead of spending 4 solid days at home, he's here every evening too but he just says I've got no plans or nowhere to go.
He's driving me nuts being around, I'd like some privacy.
Ds9 is back to school today and I could really do with some time to myself after the 6 weeks holiday to unwind but he's sitting beside me as usual and I don't feel I can even make a phone call to chat with a friend.
It feels so suffocating.

OP posts:
Tophelleborine · 02/09/2024 11:47

Is your 24yo neurotypical? If so, this is a really unusual way for a grown man to behave. Whatever's going on, it sounds like you need to lay down some very firm boundaries.

Original poster
treadingcarefree · 02/09/2024 11:49

Ds24 is neurotypical it's only ds9 who is autistic.

OP posts:
Mischance · 02/09/2024 11:50

Just tell him what you have said here. Say you find that behaviour irritating.

Wwyd2025 · 02/09/2024 11:50

Are you sure he's neurotypical? That doesn't sound like normal NT behaviour to me.

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 02/09/2024 11:51

Tell him to bugger off! Tell him to go into another room, he doesn't have to be in the same room as you, and if he refuses, ask him why he feels the need to be constantly monitoring what you are doing. He sounds like a real pain in the arse, and maybe it's time for him to be looking for his own place?

However, I dare say there will be loads of people piling in giving him all the excuses of being ND, etc., but assuming that that's not the case as you haven't mentioned it, then just tell him what you need from him.

Willoo · 02/09/2024 11:51

My DS can be a bit like this. He’s 16 with autism. Are you sure he doesn’t have autism as well?

Tophelleborine · 02/09/2024 11:52

In that case, I suggest you get really firm with him. This isn't healthy for him or bearable for you - at his age he should be out living his own life, not hanging round getting under his mum's feet. Also, he should have learnt many years before now that you're also a human being who is entitled to her own space and respect. You might hurt his feelings initially but you'll be doing him a big favour.

Catza · 02/09/2024 11:53

This is a very strange behaviour for an adult man. If he is indeed a NT, then I would say you probably have no idea how to set boundaries or communicate your feelings. Or he is a malicious and controlling chap.
Judging by the fact that you come on here to ask if it is OK to tell him not to do it, I assume the former.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/09/2024 11:54

He's 24 with a job. Time to move out.

GalileoHumpkins · 02/09/2024 11:57

Well, that's not normal behaviour. Does he not go out with friends?

Original poster
treadingcarefree · 02/09/2024 11:57

Wwyd2025 · 02/09/2024 11:50

Are you sure he's neurotypical? That doesn't sound like normal NT behaviour to me.

He's nt, he works 10 hours for 4 days and then has 4 days off so he's usually just up for sitting around and chilling on his days off.
I just wish he wasn't here so much, ds9 is exhausting and I just need to recharge when he's gone to bed or to school without ds always around.
I do love him if I sound unkind, I just hoped by now he might have made his own life and flown the nest but as he hasn't I'd at least like some of my life to myself.

OP posts:
MoonAndStarsAndSky · 02/09/2024 11:59

Just tell him - it's really rude to listen in to people on the phone and surely he understands no one wants to be followed around and watched?

LlynTegid · 02/09/2024 12:01

I think you need to be firm in explaining why you deserve some privacy. As does he incidentally.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 02/09/2024 12:02

If I'm on the phone he'll stand around listening and laughing, commenting on my conversation.

That's not (neuro)typical behaviour. Why is he remotely interested in your conversations? Doesn't he have friends of his own, a social life?

NT or ND, if he's got nothing better to do with his life than hang around listening to your phone calls then he needs to move out and make his own life. He can "chill" in his own place (room in a shared flat, whatever)

Tel12 · 02/09/2024 12:07

You need to tell him what you expect, he's behaving like a child. You are entitled to a private phone call in your own house. Insist that he goes to his room when you take it make a call. Give him more chores to do, raise his rent. Start talking about about his plans to leave home. I'd already been gone 7 years at his age and into my 2nd house move.

Seeline · 02/09/2024 12:10

Can he look after DS2 and you go out?

Howdull · 02/09/2024 12:12

MoonAndStarsAndSky · 02/09/2024 11:59

Just tell him - it's really rude to listen in to people on the phone and surely he understands no one wants to be followed around and watched?

Yes this.

I mean, you raised him - did you raise him to listen in on people on the phone and never tell him that he shouldn't do this?

LadyKenya · 02/09/2024 12:13

As others have stated it is really not normal behaviour for a 24 year old man. I know that you have said he does not have autism, but how can you be so sure?

Newsenmum · 02/09/2024 12:14

treadingcarefree · 02/09/2024 11:49

Ds24 is neurotypical it's only ds9 who is autistic.

Are you sure? This is very unusual behaviour!

betterangels · 02/09/2024 12:15

Rude and obnoxious. Does he do this to other people?

Wwyd2025 · 02/09/2024 12:15

Are you sure though? At 24 it's not normal to sit and listen in on people's conversations and be attached to your mothers hip!

Does he have friends?

betterangels · 02/09/2024 12:17

Can't he look at a shared house? This isn't working for you.

Original poster
treadingcarefree · 02/09/2024 12:17

I don't want to ask him to move out because I think that would effect our relationship for the future but I definitely don't want him here constantly, he does have friends he sees occasionally but because he's off 4 days during the week there's nobody around because they are at work then.
If his day off lands on a weekend he might pop out for a couple of hours to meet a friend but in the scheme of things that really doesn't feel like much of a break because he's back before you know it.
He occasionally goes for an early morning run but again home again in an hour and before we're up.
He is quite a homebody to be honest but so am I except I like to do my own thing when I don't have ds9.

OP posts:
betterangels · 02/09/2024 12:19

I don't want to ask him to move out because I think that would effect our relationship for the future

He's unlikely to do it on his own if he's not done it by now, though.

PinkArt · 02/09/2024 12:20

If I'm on the phone he'll stand around listening and laughing, commenting on my conversation.

If you'd posted this about a 'D'H I think people would rightly be questioning it as potentially abusive behaviour. What seems to be his intention? Is he mocking you or misguidedly trying to join in? It's one thing to feel you don't have enough space, when adult kids are living at home longer than they used to, but this sounds like antagonistic behaviour from him.

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