To ask ds to go out more

[treadingcarefree]

Ds 24 is always in and always observing me. If I'm on the phone he'll stand around listening and laughing, commenting on my conversation.

Ds9 has autism and it's been the summer holidays and he can be very hard to manage when he has a meltdown and ds will stand and watch and observe, if he's in the kitchen for example and I'm trying to manage ds he'll pop his head out to watch and observe.
I constantly feel analysed as he stands watching what's going on.
Ds work compressed hours so is home 4 days a week under my feet watching what I do. It's like having a helicopter constantly hovering in the room.
I have asked him if he can go out occasionally instead of spending 4 solid days at home, he's here every evening too but he just says I've got no plans or nowhere to go.
He's driving me nuts being around, I'd like some privacy.
Ds9 is back to school today and I could really do with some time to myself after the 6 weeks holiday to unwind but he's sitting beside me as usual and I don't feel I can even make a phone call to chat with a friend.
It feels so suffocating.

It's not sad. Everyone needs some space. She's looked after him for 24 years and has a challenging younger son. I'd find any adult man constantly hanging around me annoying. Especially after the summer holidays. I love my kids but I do need to be alone sometimes.

Well I guess you can't imagine it because you have not been in the OP's shoes day after day and with no change in sight. Neither have I but like most on here, I can empathise with her feelings of suffocation. Clearly you either have a failure of imagination or are just a much more caring and wonderful person than the OP or the majority of posters 🙄.

As a matter of interest, do you consider these patterns of behaviour to be in the son's best interests in terms of his capacity to build a full, fun and independent life? I certainly don't so even if the OP LOVED this life for herself, it would still be something to tackle.

It's not sad. This is an adult - who sounds to me as if he is neurodiverse. He is behaving very unlike a typical 24 year old - and the OP is exhausted

It's only in modern times parents (especially on mumsnet) seem to be expected to welcome absolutely constant parenting that never ends! at any age!

I think the OP sounds fearful of what would happen if she put some clear expectations in place that her son moves out - his behaviour is more like a toddler or young child than an adult and that is very very tiring.

OP - do you have friends you could talk to about how to approach your son in a calm way - and say look we need to support you to move out as an adult and look at your future.

I suspect the OP worries in her heart that her son would be very isolated if he moved out - but she is still entitled to want some time when she is not 'parenting' a full on intense young adult.

His behaviour can be summed up as arrogant; selfish; opinionated; potentially narcissistic;
However it seems quite likely that he is on the spectrum which would explain a lot of the behaviour.

Uou may not be able to change him but you can change your own behaviours and responses instead maybe?

@Yourcatisnotsorry

why can’t he do those things? Why does it have to be OP?

Why should she have to, her dc is an adult

You need to take yourself out of the house for a coffee or to meet a friend so that you have time away from him and his strange behaviour. He sounds a bit ND to me but I think you need to be very frank with him about his behaviour and how it makes you feel. I think it would be very difficult for him to change because it’s clearly in-built. I have an aunt who is very much the same and we’ve tried to explain to her how she makes us feel but she just cannot change her behaviour