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Original poster

My DP is mad at me for quitting my job because of how it will reflect on him

388 replies

Sandywoes · 28/08/2024 09:23

NC for this.

I work 2 jobs. A FT+ job I really enjoy and a PT job for 12 hours a week since June to bring me in some extra money. The PT job is for a public sector large organisation which my DP also works for, but in a completely different sector. He's only worked there a couple of years but he's done really well and recently got promoted.

The PT job has been shite, it's intense work for minimum wage but I've just tried to keep my head down, let things slide and get on with it because it tops up my wages from my FT job.

On Friday however, there was an incident at PT job where I made a very minor mistake and 2 male colleagues just laid in to me about it. I was apologising and trying to diffuse the situation but they just carried on and on. Aggressive and swearing. Fortunately break time was called and I went to the toilets and cried. I felt really shaken and that they'd acted really disproportionately. Both of my supervisors came in to speak to me and I said unfortunately I would be going home because I wasn't used to being spoken to like that. They were both very nice about it, I was nice to them, I was just upset.

I was due to go back last night and getting increasingly more anxious to the point I was feeling really nauseous about going back. I called my DP and explained how I felt and said that I wanted to just hand my notice in, I'd not been enjoying it anyway, there had been other instances but this one felt different. He was concerned about how it would reflect on him. This really upset me so we said bye etc.

I drove to the PT job but I just couldn't face going in. I wrote out my notice and statement of what happened on Friday (they'd asked me to) and emailed it in to my manager.

I went home and DP was out collecting the children. When he got home he was really mad at me. At this point I felt really frazzled and upset and I just wanted to go to bed but he wanted to talk about it. He's upset at me for doing so. I explained that I will find another PT job which he doesn't need to worry about anyway because it will not affect him. I was upset because I felt he didn't have my back with what happened and that he was more upset about my leaving would reflect on him rather than how I'd been made to feel at work. He then said I should have just gone off sick with stress and got paid a while.i don't want to do that! It just drags it out I just want to move on to something new.

I'm hormonal and emotional so please help me understand, have I been unreasonable?

OP posts:
Dery · 28/08/2024 12:25

He’s a bad partner, OP. You’re not a team. The fact that he keeps money for himself and insists on a 50/50 split despite you being on your knees shows he sees himself as very separate from you. If he saw you as a team, he would be sharing his money. DH earns more than me and picks up most of the costs. That’s what happens in caring partnerships.

Sadly, that’s not what you’ve got. A dear friend of mine was in your shoes for years, except that she and her ex were married. After about 15 years, she divorced her ex. His meanness (he had lots of spare cash and would frequently go off for days out without her and their shared child) killed my friend’s love for him.

And if he is buying himself additional cars, I’m guessing he has expensive tastes and these 50/50 costs are higher than they would otherwise be. I think that’s a point you’re making about your mortgage.

Please do NOT show this thread to your partner. You need to be able to post here without him seeing and we don’t want other abusive men looking at Mumsnet posts either.

TheBlackSheepbaaaa · 28/08/2024 12:26

I could cry reading this. What the hell is actually wrong with men!? And yes I know NAMALT 🙄 but enough of them are like this. For too many of them!

Op YANBU not at all. I really hope you find a way to leave and that it's soon. You deserve much better than to put up with this incredibly selfish individual.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 28/08/2024 12:27

What a horrible selfish man. You have sacrificed your own career prospects to care for his children and he even expected you to pay half of everything while you were doing it. The obvious answer is to leave him, but I know that's not easy. Do you have the guts to work out what all that childcare would have cost and hand him a bill for his share of that plus compensation for your damaged career prospects?

Mumofoneandone · 28/08/2024 12:32

Your other half is appalling! I'm absolutely gobsmacked on your behalf.
You were absolutely right to quit your PT job - if it looks bad on him, sobeit. He should have your back about leaving due to the way you were treated.
Totally unreasonable to expect you to pay 50/50 when you earn different amounts. Somehow this has got to change - not sure if his behaviour is abusive in some form but certainly completely unacceptable. Reflecting I think it is financial abuse as he's deliberately leaving you short.....
Gym is not a luxury, it is vital for your wellbeing.
Please get this situation resolved - if he won't improve his contributions to the family you need to look at leaving him.
Bit tongue in cheek but....Whilst he's away sell the excess vehicles and put the money into an account of your own! From the point of view, you need the money and he doesn't need more than 1 vehicle (unless a van is for work purposes... although even then....)

Conniebygaslight · 28/08/2024 12:33

My God....

wombat15 · 28/08/2024 12:42

Absolutely you are right to drop the job that is causing you so much stress. Your DP sounds like a total knob.

It's also terrible that you are expected to pay for half of everything especially given you have children together and no doubt this has impacted your career. I don't even understand the splitting of things proportionally as that will still mean that one person gets more spending more than the other which doesn't sound much of a partnership.

Gessy · 28/08/2024 12:45

Sandywoes · 28/08/2024 09:23

NC for this.

I work 2 jobs. A FT+ job I really enjoy and a PT job for 12 hours a week since June to bring me in some extra money. The PT job is for a public sector large organisation which my DP also works for, but in a completely different sector. He's only worked there a couple of years but he's done really well and recently got promoted.

The PT job has been shite, it's intense work for minimum wage but I've just tried to keep my head down, let things slide and get on with it because it tops up my wages from my FT job.

On Friday however, there was an incident at PT job where I made a very minor mistake and 2 male colleagues just laid in to me about it. I was apologising and trying to diffuse the situation but they just carried on and on. Aggressive and swearing. Fortunately break time was called and I went to the toilets and cried. I felt really shaken and that they'd acted really disproportionately. Both of my supervisors came in to speak to me and I said unfortunately I would be going home because I wasn't used to being spoken to like that. They were both very nice about it, I was nice to them, I was just upset.

I was due to go back last night and getting increasingly more anxious to the point I was feeling really nauseous about going back. I called my DP and explained how I felt and said that I wanted to just hand my notice in, I'd not been enjoying it anyway, there had been other instances but this one felt different. He was concerned about how it would reflect on him. This really upset me so we said bye etc.

I drove to the PT job but I just couldn't face going in. I wrote out my notice and statement of what happened on Friday (they'd asked me to) and emailed it in to my manager.

I went home and DP was out collecting the children. When he got home he was really mad at me. At this point I felt really frazzled and upset and I just wanted to go to bed but he wanted to talk about it. He's upset at me for doing so. I explained that I will find another PT job which he doesn't need to worry about anyway because it will not affect him. I was upset because I felt he didn't have my back with what happened and that he was more upset about my leaving would reflect on him rather than how I'd been made to feel at work. He then said I should have just gone off sick with stress and got paid a while.i don't want to do that! It just drags it out I just want to move on to something new.

I'm hormonal and emotional so please help me understand, have I been unreasonable?

Sorry to hear this OP. Your mental health is worth more than a job. I think your husband could have been more supportive. I guess he is concerned for his own position and the money, but I think he should back you. Furthermore, from a legal standpoint, I think you now need to protect your own position and by default his. This is possible by speaking to a solicitor. From what you say, two men ganging up on a female co-worker...it stinks of sexism and misogyny. Your company should be worried about this as a liability - hence why they asked you to document. I personally think you should have stayed in employment on stress leave and get paid - you'd have every right too - even if you intend to eventually leave. That ship has sailed now but you should still speak to a solicitor and seek compensation for constructive dismissal related to a sexist misogynistic attack which has caused you emotional trauma and financial losses. You have 3 months from departure i think. Speak to ACAS and a Solicitor. Importantly, if husband then thinks this has impacted him in anyway he should a quickly jump to your defence and say "not having my wife bullied by men at work!". Then, if his position is ever under threat or he's refused promotion / pay rise and he even slightly suspects in any way related to you, he can say he's suffering a detriment because his wife was discriminated against and complained about it. Any settlement that you have received then gets opened back up because you have suffered a further detriment, a further financial loss (e.g. if your husband is fired) because you were discriminated against and you can demand further payout to compensate husband job loss or failure to be promoted etc. I am not a lawyer but know a bit about employment law. Let your solicitor advise you on the merits of your case and handle it all, you don't need to deal with them.

WildCats24 · 28/08/2024 12:48

What benefits has his salary squeezed you out of? To put it on his eloquent terms, you’re being “penalised” because of his salary.

Raininginparadise2 · 28/08/2024 12:49

Aww OP this is sad to read. He treats you with little respect and is happy to watch you struggle financially. He's not a loving partner that's got your back through life's journey. You deserve much better. Dump him and move forward to a new life without him.

WildCats24 · 28/08/2024 12:53

As I said upthread, my DH earns significantly more than me. When it comes to holidays, we have 2 choices:

  1. Go on a holiday aligning with my salary, and we pay 50/50.
  2. Go on a fancier holiday, but pay in proportion to income. DH always chooses option 2 because he’s really into his holidays. Seems your OH has chosen option 3: Go on holiday by yourself/with the lads. Wow. He’s quite the Family Man, eh?
onwardsup4 · 28/08/2024 12:57

I can't believe he basically forced you into having to do an extra 12 hours on top of full time in the first place after reading your updates. I found this upsetting to read he is not treating you well.

PolitePearlMoose · 28/08/2024 12:58

This reply has been deleted

This is the work of a previously banned poster.

Lupina12 · 28/08/2024 13:01

Oh my god OP, this is awful awful awful

What a total PIG of a man.

And you have CHILDREN together? Has he any bloody IDEA how hard it is to conceive, carry, birth and care for children? Clearly not.

I hope all of the messages here give you confidence to get away from him. This is not love.

Sending you huge hugs, you are a total hero and deserve SO much better xxx

MounjaroUser · 28/08/2024 13:06

We've always paid 50% in to joint expenses, even when I was on mat leave (2 DC) and working PT to fit around nursery/school times

Every single time I've read about people doing this, I've thought the man involved - the father of the children - is an absolute shit.

Your so-called partner is no different. Who makes their partner pay half of all costs when they're on maternity leave?

Bosmom · 28/08/2024 13:08

Sandywoes · 28/08/2024 09:23

NC for this.

I work 2 jobs. A FT+ job I really enjoy and a PT job for 12 hours a week since June to bring me in some extra money. The PT job is for a public sector large organisation which my DP also works for, but in a completely different sector. He's only worked there a couple of years but he's done really well and recently got promoted.

The PT job has been shite, it's intense work for minimum wage but I've just tried to keep my head down, let things slide and get on with it because it tops up my wages from my FT job.

On Friday however, there was an incident at PT job where I made a very minor mistake and 2 male colleagues just laid in to me about it. I was apologising and trying to diffuse the situation but they just carried on and on. Aggressive and swearing. Fortunately break time was called and I went to the toilets and cried. I felt really shaken and that they'd acted really disproportionately. Both of my supervisors came in to speak to me and I said unfortunately I would be going home because I wasn't used to being spoken to like that. They were both very nice about it, I was nice to them, I was just upset.

I was due to go back last night and getting increasingly more anxious to the point I was feeling really nauseous about going back. I called my DP and explained how I felt and said that I wanted to just hand my notice in, I'd not been enjoying it anyway, there had been other instances but this one felt different. He was concerned about how it would reflect on him. This really upset me so we said bye etc.

I drove to the PT job but I just couldn't face going in. I wrote out my notice and statement of what happened on Friday (they'd asked me to) and emailed it in to my manager.

I went home and DP was out collecting the children. When he got home he was really mad at me. At this point I felt really frazzled and upset and I just wanted to go to bed but he wanted to talk about it. He's upset at me for doing so. I explained that I will find another PT job which he doesn't need to worry about anyway because it will not affect him. I was upset because I felt he didn't have my back with what happened and that he was more upset about my leaving would reflect on him rather than how I'd been made to feel at work. He then said I should have just gone off sick with stress and got paid a while.i don't want to do that! It just drags it out I just want to move on to something new.

I'm hormonal and emotional so please help me understand, have I been unreasonable?

Your partner is a horrible partner. One, coz he did not support you in leaving a job where people were so openly mean to you. Two, he continues to ask you to contribute 50/50 when you cannot afford to. He also watched you take a second job to do this Third, he even accepted 50/50 contribution from you when you were on maternity leave. That is the lowest of the low behaviour in my opinion. I’m sure if you thought about this you would know just how horrible he is.

I would like to give you some practical advice though. Stop contributing 50/50 to the house. Based on his and your salary, start to contribute what is fair, if that is 70/30 or 60/40 or 90/10, do just that. Do not wait for his permission or agreement to do this, he will never give it to you.

Prepare your mind and self, he will make you feel so bad for doing this, he will talk and talk, toss and turn and attempt to do and undo, just be prepared and do not budge.

If you contribute to a joint account, pay in only what is fair as above, if your salary is paid into that account, stop that and only pay in what is fair.

And do not take a horrible second job for this relationship, if he can afford to buy 3 cars and a van, he can afford to pay for his family.

This is your life and while it is easier said than done, you need to take ownership of it and stop waiting for him to treat you fairly, treat yourself fairly.

Lupina12 · 28/08/2024 13:08

MounjaroUser · 28/08/2024 13:06

We've always paid 50% in to joint expenses, even when I was on mat leave (2 DC) and working PT to fit around nursery/school times

Every single time I've read about people doing this, I've thought the man involved - the father of the children - is an absolute shit.

Your so-called partner is no different. Who makes their partner pay half of all costs when they're on maternity leave?

Exactly this.

SensibleSigma · 28/08/2024 13:10

This reply has been deleted

This is the work of a previously banned poster.

You’ve rather missed the point. Being sworn at and harangued by two male colleagues while you try and pacify them, in your second job because your husband is an arsehole is not really a matter of resilience.

JFDIYOLO · 28/08/2024 13:11

What an absolute arse you live with.

Zero compassion and support for what had happened to you, focussing entirely on himself.

He's right about one thing. Staying and going off with stress would shine a light on the situation.

And then doing them for fostering a bullying and harassment culture.

Is it too late to go back?

Fleetheart · 28/08/2024 13:22

Please talk to your friends/ Citizens advice on how to get out of this. It’s totally unfair and your DP is not being supportive to you at all. You are worth more than this- never mind the awful men at the PT job, you shouldn’t even be doing. PT job!

Avocadotoast8 · 28/08/2024 13:28

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

That's because she is not paying just the bills...she is going half on children's material items, clubs etc and household maintaining costs etc.
He should have gone half on the morning sickness, pregnancy, labour, the side effects on your body post pregnancy and the loss of income if he is so military on the 50/50 aspect..

OtterMouse · 28/08/2024 13:31

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Shoutinglagerlagerlager · 28/08/2024 13:32

OP I remember your previous thread. I don’t think you’re going to listen to any advice given here, as you clearly didn’t last time given your current situation. It’s very sad. You deserve better.

EdgarAllenRaven · 28/08/2024 13:35

If you are not leaving him immediately, you must stop paying so much IMMEDIATELY.

Send him an email, stating, “for 9 years I have been paying x amount , even during Mat leave , and as a result I have no savings.
From 1st September, I will only be contributing X (whatever you can afford?) which is 50% of my earnings as I want to have savings that are my own. Thanks for understanding.”

OtterMouse · 28/08/2024 13:35

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Uol2022 · 28/08/2024 13:47

It would be worth calculating whether you actually would be better off single. Given how screwed over single mums are, I’m surprised by the quick calls to ltb right now. Definitely leave at some point… but figure out your position first, and whether it benefits you to wait until the kids are a little older and childcare costs reduced.

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