My DP is mad at me for quitting my job because of how it will reflect on him

[Sandywoes]

NC for this.

I work 2 jobs. A FT+ job I really enjoy and a PT job for 12 hours a week since June to bring me in some extra money. The PT job is for a public sector large organisation which my DP also works for, but in a completely different sector. He's only worked there a couple of years but he's done really well and recently got promoted.

The PT job has been shite, it's intense work for minimum wage but I've just tried to keep my head down, let things slide and get on with it because it tops up my wages from my FT job.

On Friday however, there was an incident at PT job where I made a very minor mistake and 2 male colleagues just laid in to me about it. I was apologising and trying to diffuse the situation but they just carried on and on. Aggressive and swearing. Fortunately break time was called and I went to the toilets and cried. I felt really shaken and that they'd acted really disproportionately. Both of my supervisors came in to speak to me and I said unfortunately I would be going home because I wasn't used to being spoken to like that. They were both very nice about it, I was nice to them, I was just upset.

I was due to go back last night and getting increasingly more anxious to the point I was feeling really nauseous about going back. I called my DP and explained how I felt and said that I wanted to just hand my notice in, I'd not been enjoying it anyway, there had been other instances but this one felt different. He was concerned about how it would reflect on him. This really upset me so we said bye etc.

I drove to the PT job but I just couldn't face going in. I wrote out my notice and statement of what happened on Friday (they'd asked me to) and emailed it in to my manager.

I went home and DP was out collecting the children. When he got home he was really mad at me. At this point I felt really frazzled and upset and I just wanted to go to bed but he wanted to talk about it. He's upset at me for doing so. I explained that I will find another PT job which he doesn't need to worry about anyway because it will not affect him. I was upset because I felt he didn't have my back with what happened and that he was more upset about my leaving would reflect on him rather than how I'd been made to feel at work. He then said I should have just gone off sick with stress and got paid a while.i don't want to do that! It just drags it out I just want to move on to something new.

I'm hormonal and emotional so please help me understand, have I been unreasonable?

You’ve been completely reasonable in that you are an adult capable of making your own choices and you’ve decided that role isn’t for you and you will hopefully now be able to find a better one. The only downside is those nasty two men will scapegoat you now for this minor mistake but whatever, sometimes life is too short and it was your call to make.

Regarding your partner though, if you have a home together and children together then your finances should be in some way combined. It’s totally unfair you are expected to juggle two jobs while he has one - along with multiple vehicles, lots of spare cash and holidays with the lads.

This is ridiculous. He doesn't love you enough I'm so sorry to say that. My husband would never watch me work 2 jobs just to cover 50% of bills because I earned less. It's the motherhood penalty and he is a dickhead for not caring to understanding and not sharing his income with his family instead of spending it on himself. Here's a scientific paper about it because it is fact. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0049089X20300144
I suppose as you didn't marry he never promised to share anything but how any person could watch the mother of their children struggle while they swanned about living their best life, I don't know. I'm sorry you ended up with a dud. Any chance you could leave him?

I'm so sorry you experience those horrible men, but I'm in awe of you working FT, then taking on a PT role! How do you find time to do anything at home?

That aside your partner is mean and does not have your back! Flaunting new cars in your face when you're working 2 jobs to make ends meet!

I bet he's never mentioned marriage has he? Are you likely to inherit any money from parents in the future? If you're still with him, make sure he can't get his hands on it!

I can't even comprehend this. Does he know that you are a human being?

@Sandywoes Is there anything redeeming about him to stay? It sounds like you would be financially better off if you left him.
To add to another voice, our incomes are joint/family money. There are no pots for own spending etc. Although I know a lot of people keep say £200 each and everything else goes in family pot.
There have been times here my DH earns more and me nothing and currently I earn 3x what he earns but the income is just joint. And I would 100% never order something huge like a car without consulting the other person.

p.s. You did the right thing to leave the job, you shouldn’t have to work an additional job on top of a full time one whilst he has 4 cars!!

Does his family know about this ? His friends ? If he's the type of guy who is weary about his reputation (sounds like it from the reaction to you quitting) can't you start talking about it faux naïvely infront of friends and family. Like "oh I would love to spend more time with DC but since I earn less from my ft job and do wants me to pay half of all I have to look for a pt job as well." Or "oh that sounds nice. I can't do things like that because I don't earn enough and dp wants me to pay 50/50 so I have nothing left or I would have to ask Dp to borrow, he's got plenty left haha". If he's embarrassed then it's because he KNOWS it's wrong what he's doing so he has to correct it before you correct your narrative. I can't believe your partner is treating the mother of his child that way. All my love would be gone for this vile selfish excuse of a man.

Does he split childcare (when you're at home I mean, not paid childcare) and housework, shopping (both grocery and stuff for the kids) 50/50 with you timewise?
That is, are you - like many women - spending more of your time outside your paid work on household/kids work than he is?

If you are, shouldn't this be factored in when calculating the financial contribution you both make?

I've come back to this thread @Sandywoes and want to say I have a friend who was in your situation a few years ago. They split and she's much better off. Why? Because she's free and can cut her cloth appropriately. She works and was actually able to get a higher paying job, she now gets a lot of help with childcare fees b/c she's a single parent and also receives some UC. She works 5 days a week and is still able to receive these supports.

It takes a lot of strength to move away from a situation which maybe looks better on paper and looks better to friends/family, nicer car/home, a partner etc. But the thing is, you don't really have a partner, not in the real sense of the word. In your bid to live that life, you are deeply suffering.

Only you can choose to change things. That's really the only next step.

Your “partner” is a monster who has ruthlessly exploited you and is continuing to do so.

He has all the benefits of children and family life while having made none of the physical and financial sacrifices you have made.

He effectively made you pay him for the “privilege” of taking care of his children.

He is a monster.

Your only objective atm needs to be a) recognising for yourself that your partner is abusive, then b) getting away from him as soon as you possibly can, while getting as good a settlement as you possibly can. Which I realise is not so straightforward given you’re not married, but I think there may still be avenues you can pursue.

What he has done/is doing is flat out financial abuse, and emotional abuse too, so I would suggest your first port of call should be Women’s Aid, who should be able to give you some advice re your legal situation wrt to finances, and hopefully also signpost you to other forms of support.

I hope the many, many responses on this thread kick start that process of recognising that you are being abused, so you can start to take action to get away.

Well he can fuck right off then - I hate reading stuff like this, you're a team or you're not!

Do you do all the life admin as well? DC apts, etc?

Stop and tell him he needs to step up and support his fucking wife!

? wrong link

Apologies. Wrong thread. Reported.

Essentially what I was going to ask. Sounds to me like life would be much much easier without him in it. Quite aside from the finances there's a huge mental toll here. It's breathtakingly selfish.

OP he does not sound like a good or nice person at all. Completely unsupportive & you're doing way way too much in a partnership, it's not equal at all.

This is the only correct assessment of this situation. I'm sorry OP 😔

Your partner is a spineless unsupportive coward. He should be less of a yes man and more concerned with his own failings if he believes he needs you to put up with being shouted at in order to be well regarded. He's all prepared to play the big man when it comes to telling you what to do and how much to earn, but too frightened to support you when you're treated unacceptably. I'd not be with a man like that.

What's stopping you from leaving? Is it something you can do right now, or are there things you need to arrange first? He sounds awful and selfish and you shouldn't have to be living like this.

Your partner stole from you during your maternity leave. Don’t mince words. You had his children, had reduced income, and instead of compensating you for that, he expected you to keep paying half.

you have much bigger problems
than this man being upset about his reputation at work.

OP, have you worked out what he would have to pay in maintenance for the children? You might not be able to afford a mortgage, but could you start looking for a rental?

This is no way to live. I recently left a job very suddenly, because I had been screamed at for one time too many, and a long list of fairly low-level incidents of what I considered bullying just piled up and I couldn't cope any more. I walked out and never went back. It caused huge drama and that job was the main income for our family, but my husband was nothing but supportive. I am putting in more hours working on my small business, and it's picking up. It is hard at the moment and there is literally no spare cash for anything, but both my husband and I are just glad that going in to work in the morning makes me want to self-harm in order to avoid it.

You deserve better.

you really need to have a 'come to jesus' chat about the finances. it should NOT be 50/50 exactly, it should be a proportionate share against what you earn.

your partner should not be living the life of riley while you're living hand to mouth and robbing peter to pay paul every month.

Grow a pair and sort it out, or tell him to fuck off and find another mug to exploit.

Reading this is so depressing especially as OP calls him her partner. This relationship is about as far away from a partnership as it gets.

Get rid of this boyfriend, he is genuinely taking the piss out of you. Something must have warned you not to marry him after being together so long so use that logic and leave.

You've been penalised for having his children. How did he persuade you that it should stay 50/50 and not proportional while on ML? I think that you were asked on another thread, but what would he say if you said that you simply couldn't afford it and you need it to be proportional? You need to get legal advice, do a benefits check and then tell him that you intend to end your relationship.