My DP is mad at me for quitting my job because of how it will reflect on him

[Sandywoes]

NC for this.

I work 2 jobs. A FT+ job I really enjoy and a PT job for 12 hours a week since June to bring me in some extra money. The PT job is for a public sector large organisation which my DP also works for, but in a completely different sector. He's only worked there a couple of years but he's done really well and recently got promoted.

The PT job has been shite, it's intense work for minimum wage but I've just tried to keep my head down, let things slide and get on with it because it tops up my wages from my FT job.

On Friday however, there was an incident at PT job where I made a very minor mistake and 2 male colleagues just laid in to me about it. I was apologising and trying to diffuse the situation but they just carried on and on. Aggressive and swearing. Fortunately break time was called and I went to the toilets and cried. I felt really shaken and that they'd acted really disproportionately. Both of my supervisors came in to speak to me and I said unfortunately I would be going home because I wasn't used to being spoken to like that. They were both very nice about it, I was nice to them, I was just upset.

I was due to go back last night and getting increasingly more anxious to the point I was feeling really nauseous about going back. I called my DP and explained how I felt and said that I wanted to just hand my notice in, I'd not been enjoying it anyway, there had been other instances but this one felt different. He was concerned about how it would reflect on him. This really upset me so we said bye etc.

I drove to the PT job but I just couldn't face going in. I wrote out my notice and statement of what happened on Friday (they'd asked me to) and emailed it in to my manager.

I went home and DP was out collecting the children. When he got home he was really mad at me. At this point I felt really frazzled and upset and I just wanted to go to bed but he wanted to talk about it. He's upset at me for doing so. I explained that I will find another PT job which he doesn't need to worry about anyway because it will not affect him. I was upset because I felt he didn't have my back with what happened and that he was more upset about my leaving would reflect on him rather than how I'd been made to feel at work. He then said I should have just gone off sick with stress and got paid a while.i don't want to do that! It just drags it out I just want to move on to something new.

I'm hormonal and emotional so please help me understand, have I been unreasonable?

What a horrible man for making you pay 50% when you were on maternity leave. I assume you were caring for the babies born to both of you? Did he pay you a wage for doing his 50% of the share of looking after the young children during this time? You essentially freed him to focus on his career and maximise earnings.

I would just start unilaterally start paying your proportion of the expenses relative to income and show him this thread if he makes a fuss about it.

No way should you be splitting everything 50/50 if one of you earns loads more than the other!! You don't need another job.....you just need him to step up and contribute a fairer share.

Right. He is using you for the stuff he can’t do alone- sex, pregnancy, birthing and maybe some housekeeping, emotional labour etc. All
of which is unpaid.

So sorry sweetheart, I know it isn’t easy. He’s choosing to live the life of Riley at your expense.

there is nothing more unattractive than a tight-arse and your 'D'P is definitely one.

Making you pay 50% whilst you were on maternity (allowing him to maximise his career and earning potential whilst you couldn't) is pretty fucking horrendous let alone you still pay 50% despite the salary disparity. As many have already pointed out, its financial abuse and I would suggest you google this and find some help/support IRL.

ew, I wouldn't be able to even look at him let alone live with him. what a vile excuse for a man.

You have not been unreasonable

Thank you for all of your advice. I have people around me, wonderful family and a few friends (not many!) but I haven't really spoken to anyone about it. I knew things weren't right.

Just to clarify we pay 50/50 of the childcare as it comes from our joint account, I don't pay all of it x

Why should you be penalised for earning less?

OP I feel so sorry for you. Your partner is a total douche! How could someone be so cruel hearted? I’m sorry OP

Your DH is a twat. Your finances should be spilt proportionally.

What kind of man lets the mother of his kids work 2 jobs - 1 FT and 1 PT? Does he work 2 jobs?

What an absolute cunt he is. Please leave him.

He is an absolute arsehole.

So you gave up work to have 2 children and effectively subsidised his childcare cost whilst on mat leave but now you have to pay half.
You also have to work a second job whilst he has plenty of cash. Do the 'boys' know how he treats you? I would embarrass him and let them all know in a roundabout way.

Who is looking after the children when he fucks off abroad? I would go out of my way to find work for that weekend so he can't go or he has to pay some to look after the children. (Although I fear that would also somehow be a cost that falls on you).

I don't actually think I could stay with him. The resentment would burn too much.

I am fuming on your behalf.

That was my thought.

Mothers have been so successfully screwed over by men (yes I know, NAMALT). Mothers working inside the home screwed over in finances esp if you later divorce. Mothers working outside the home often earning less with fewer pension contributions etc because of childcare responsibilities falling disproportionately on them and then screwed over by this 50:50 contribution bullshit. Men no longer having any incentive to marry and in fact, the opposite.

It’s really depressing and the only possible solution is for women to stop having children. Maybe that would encourage men to shift their values and focus from cash to something more meaningful.

He is cruel. It’s as simple as that. My DH earns more and we’ve organised expenditure more or less proportionately and he’s generous. There is no way I would be with a jerk like this.

His behaviour over the incident at work was appalling as well. I’d try to find ways to squirrel money away and get the hell out of this so-called relationship. The resentment I would feel would be overwhelming, quite frankly.

He is a nasty, nasty man.

What is it with all the aggressive men at the part time job, including your husband?

When he goes abroad you need to tell him you are charging him per hour for your time whilst you stay home looking after his children and are therefore unable to work.

after all time is money

Your husband didn't have your back. I think the next conversation you have should be about that. 2 males were aggressive with you for a prolonged period. What's his thoughts on it?

He's exploiting you. This is not what a relationship should look like. Make plans.

It’s not often I agree with posters using this word but in this instance it is well deserved!

This! I'm fuming for you as well OP. Glad to hear you're trying to get yourself into a better financial position- hopefully so you can leave him? But in the meantime I thoroughly endorse this suggestion of telling all his friends and family about the way he's treating you financially, to shame him

Actually, reading through the rest of your posts. Your next conversation should be 'i want a divorce '. He's a abusive knobend who is absolutely not a team.

I too would be looking to put the house up for sale and split.
You could work one job, and not be exhausted.

Wow- your partner is a terrible person. How can you stand to live with him?

Of course you’re not unreasonable to quit. But you are to say it maybe your hormones. I abhor it with a vengeance when women do that, it gives us all a bad rep, like we aren’t in control of ourselves and behave irrationally due to our hormones. We don’t. So don’t perpetuate the myth

This is really sad to read OP, are you happy? He sounds awful. I’d be making plans to leave him asap.