My DP is mad at me for quitting my job because of how it will reflect on him

[Sandywoes]

NC for this.

I work 2 jobs. A FT+ job I really enjoy and a PT job for 12 hours a week since June to bring me in some extra money. The PT job is for a public sector large organisation which my DP also works for, but in a completely different sector. He's only worked there a couple of years but he's done really well and recently got promoted.

The PT job has been shite, it's intense work for minimum wage but I've just tried to keep my head down, let things slide and get on with it because it tops up my wages from my FT job.

On Friday however, there was an incident at PT job where I made a very minor mistake and 2 male colleagues just laid in to me about it. I was apologising and trying to diffuse the situation but they just carried on and on. Aggressive and swearing. Fortunately break time was called and I went to the toilets and cried. I felt really shaken and that they'd acted really disproportionately. Both of my supervisors came in to speak to me and I said unfortunately I would be going home because I wasn't used to being spoken to like that. They were both very nice about it, I was nice to them, I was just upset.

I was due to go back last night and getting increasingly more anxious to the point I was feeling really nauseous about going back. I called my DP and explained how I felt and said that I wanted to just hand my notice in, I'd not been enjoying it anyway, there had been other instances but this one felt different. He was concerned about how it would reflect on him. This really upset me so we said bye etc.

I drove to the PT job but I just couldn't face going in. I wrote out my notice and statement of what happened on Friday (they'd asked me to) and emailed it in to my manager.

I went home and DP was out collecting the children. When he got home he was really mad at me. At this point I felt really frazzled and upset and I just wanted to go to bed but he wanted to talk about it. He's upset at me for doing so. I explained that I will find another PT job which he doesn't need to worry about anyway because it will not affect him. I was upset because I felt he didn't have my back with what happened and that he was more upset about my leaving would reflect on him rather than how I'd been made to feel at work. He then said I should have just gone off sick with stress and got paid a while.i don't want to do that! It just drags it out I just want to move on to something new.

I'm hormonal and emotional so please help me understand, have I been unreasonable?

@Sandywoes I'm going to ask something, what does he bring to your life? The ability to live in a home you own 50/50? On no planet would I think being treated like this and to work like this while he has so much more money/income/power, is a trade off that is worth it.

You deserve so much better. No real or kind human would leave you in a situation like this. It's vile, married or not.

@Sandywoes

Are you afraid of him? Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells trying to get it right?

I know it feels like you are trapped, but life can be different from this.

I left my financially abusive, coercively controlling partner and my life is a million times better now - though not perfect by any means! Money has been tight at times and he still does manage to terrorise my child and me

My plan was never to find a new partner (was a very scary idea after my ex), but I did a lot of work and learned more about how to avoid abusive personalities, and now have an amazing partner who would never dream of keeping score using money.

Anyway, the point is that you really aren't trapped. It sounds like you feel as if you are.

Oh no wonder he's upset. He's financially abusive. He doesn't see you as a family at all, he sees you, and probably "your" kids, and him, and therefore he deserves all that money.

So for him, it's better that you are penalised both financially and in the time you're spending working TWO jobs rather than him paying a proportionate amount of the family expenses.

And now he's cross because you've quit a job that was making you unhappy - because of how it might reflect on him?

He's horrible.

He’s living quite the life of luxury isn’t he? I’d be tempted to run the arsehole over with it.

Well you have kept working, so that's a plus. You have the ability to be financially independent. Please think seriously about what you are getting from this relationship.

What anon said

He isn’t a real partner to you. He’s a mate that you house share with. This is how you treat a flat mate not a life partner and mother to your kids.

he must have significantly more income than you to afford 3 vehicles and lads holidays

he cares more about his material things and sticking to “rules” about finances than he does about your well-being.

You must be absolutely run ragged working full time and part time.

When do you get a break??

I'm just appalled in your behalf that you are in this situation.

What's the household childcare split?

The incident is also appalling, abusive behaviour. I'm assuming they were senior to you?

You cannot carry on like this surely? 😢

OMG op I’ve read some shitty things on here in the past but wow! He is mad at you for wanting to leave a part time minimum wage stressful job because he feels it will look bad on him?? What’s is reason for this??? Because you will be seen to be earning less?

And as for the splitting everything 50/50 and refused to budge knowing he earns more than you and has now gone and bought a new car! He’s emotionally and financially abusing you and he’s a controlling narcissistic little prick! What a silly pathetic little man child! Tell him HE looks bad on you and you’re embarrassed by him!

I mean if he feels the job is so important that he can’t live without it for fear of what others might think, he can always apply for your position and work it himself!!!

Come on OP. You know this is all wrong.

You should be partners in a family supporting each other emotionally and financially to bring up the children. I cannot believe he made you pay 50% when you were on maternity leave. Wake up. This will never get better. It would be the end of this relationship for me absolutely.

OP, this is financial abuse. You're not even paying 50/50 if you cover a 100% of the childcare costs. You are paying for the "privilege" of being with him.

Time to get your ducks in a row and force the sale of the house. It doesn't matter that you can't afford a mortgage on your own, although with your share of the money of the house, it might make for a nice down payment.

How can you stay with someone who really doesn’t care about you. You have kids together, how can he let the mother of his children have to take on an extra job to keep paying 50% of everything when he earns so much more and has way more disposable income. He obviously doesn’t see you as family.

OP do you think he is fundamentally a kind man?

I don't see how you can.

Please don't spend the rest of your life with someone who is fundamentally unkind.

I would guess too that while he expects you to contribute 50% despite him massively outearning you and it meaning you have to work more than one job, he doesn't do more than 50% of the housework?

Exactly, he’s using op for money and financially abusing her. I cannot see any other reason why he’d be angry because she’s wanting to leave her job. I’d want to give the little prick a taste of his own medicine and leave him so that he will have to pay all bills and financially support himself

This really isn’t right at all. My DH and I have each had times when we have wasn’t less than the other one and we have never, ever financially abused the non-working person. Let alone when you are already working full time. That’s crazy!

This is so sad. You shouldn't be living like this. Him being annoyed about you quitting your job is the least of your worries.

How many cars can he drive at one time?

What would happen if you just transferred what you can afford to pay proportionately? Just curious.

Out of interest op, who does the bulk of the house work, cooking, cleaning, childcare? Does he expect you to do all that too whilst you’re exhausted after working 2 jobs and have children?

Oh OP. What a mess your in. He's an absolute awful person and you know it, not often I say LTB but this one definitely needs to be headed into that direction.

Whether u accept it or not he's played his cards all right for himself so if you split he's come out better off, he's not took a career hit for raising dc , how does he justify you having to do that and then not financially splitting that advantage evenly with you?
You couldn't go on a hen but he can go on a lads holiday have 2 cars and he feels no hint of love towards you to want to give you some to help you out? This relationship is dead.
He's a horrid person thinking only of his own self image but I do think in your position going on sick rather than quitting would've done you better as u need the money. Its done now so make a plan going forward, can you ft time job no offer better prospects elsewhere?

For a start work out what you can afford from your salary,and that will be the amount you pay going forward. If he doesn't like that then tough shit. You tell him this, you don't ask! Why do you have to do a part time job to match his contributions. It's ridiculous!

I agree, this is one of the worst things I've read on here. OP, I feel terrible for you. Are you really paying all childcare costs? I'd take the time when he is away to get the house valued and see a solicitor. You own the house 50/50 (well done, so many others in your position don't, so thats a bonus). Check out CMS to see what maintenance you'd be entitled to and what benefits and then you are in a position to plan. Finances are not a reason to stay with someone who treats you so poorly.

This.
Tell him he accepts a proportion of your salary or you’re done.

I have never earned much but my dh puts everything in a joint account and I have full freedom to spend as I see fit.

What a horrible, selfish, greedy pig. I understand not everyone having one joint pot, but really? He's happy for you to do 12 extra hours a week and be shouted at whilst he gets a third car?