Can’t make a decision on taking his name

[PoptartBarry]

Name change for this one (ha!)

I am getting married in one week and I still can’t make up my mind about changing my name. It’s driving me a bit mad so I want your opinions.

Have any of you changed your name and regretted it? Have any of you regretted NOT changing your name?

My surname is ‘foreign’ to English speakers, long and tricky for English speakers to pronounce so I’m not considering a double barrel. It would be too much!

Does anyone keep their maiden name at work and use their ‘married’ name in their private life? How do you feel about it now?

YABU = stop overthinking and change the name!

YANBU = no way, keep your own name!

Would love to hear your lived experiences.

I can’t believe so many people dislike people using two surnames. So many countries use two surnames, are you really saying you dislike all those people’s names? It reminds me a bit of Boris Johnson’s mumblings about Bongo Bongo land.

No, I know my friends and family have almost all changed their name. One niece and one nephew have double barreled their names but that's it

Have to LOL at the 'feel sorry for women who change their name' types.

They're still choosing to take 'a mans name'. They're just choosing their dad's name as opposed to their husbands.

That's BS
Are you actually saying that a woman never has their own name??

He can take your last name.

They aren't though are they. They were given that name on birth, they didn't choose to "take it". It is their name as much as anyone else's. The decision to take your husband's name is a conscious choice.

I intended to double barrel my name on marriage so that I would share a name with our DD who has DH's name. I double barrelled my name on Facebook but that's it. I have no interest in actually being known as anything other than the name I've had all my life!

Yes, a lot of DH's family and friends just assume I have his surname.

No. Just a lot of posters making out like it's a terrible thing to take DH surname. Just pointing out the name they decide to retain was one their DM likely switched to taking when she married DF.

If you aren’t sure, keep your name for now.

You can always change it later on and say you were too busy around the time of your marriage, if you want to. Whereas if you change it now and regret it, it’s hard to change it later - unfair, but people will assume that your marriage is in trouble.

Women are brainwashed. Said no man ever:

• I don't like my name so I'll change it to yours
• Let's choose a new name for us and our children so we're all the same
• I love being a 'Mr', oh hang I don't need to change my title
• I'm happy to do all the paperwork required banks, passports etc, no problem.
• I'll be Mr Smith by day/at work and Mr Jones for the rest of my day/at home
• let's give the children your name

I appreciate there will be a MN who comes along in a second saying but my DH didn't mind! It shouldn't even be considered that a woman takes the man's name, it's a sexist custom, a bit like your father giving you away. Each to their own but don't pretend it isn't anything but social conditioning. Marriage is a legal contract, legal contracts do not require you to change your name.

Nah, they're keeping their own name as opposed to taking their father in law's.

Or, best to allow women the freedom, as they have, to decide for themselves.

It's not anti-feminist to choose to change your name on marriage.

What is anti-feminist, is to deride those who choose to still do so.

This old chestnut. The name any man or woman is born with is their name, regardless of the source. Men are not considered to be borrowing their fathers name, are they? Women are choosing to keep their own name, exactly as men do without ever being questioned.

In answer to the OP, if you're not sure and have no strong feelings I'd take the most practical approach. A name change involves time, work and possibly money if you'd need a new passport. I'd therefore only do that if it was something I knew I wanted. Otherwise, go with the default.

Also yet to meet a man who's foreign sounding name causes him such problems he'll take his partners name to fit in better.

Women aren't really deciding for themselves though are they. Society still pushes it as the norm when actually I would argue it isn't good. Forms still have the options Miss,Ms, Mrs whereas for men they never change from Mr.

Given women still do the majority of caring etc for DCs and it's still the norm for DC to live with the mother post relationship breakup, it's actually more logical for DC to have the mothers name. That way there is never any name changing requirements nor that horrible feeling of having your ex's surname.

How are we stuck in the 1850's?

If you want to keep your own name, keep it. If you want to change to DH name, change it. If you want to merge yours and DH name, merge it.

Seems to me PP have done every combination, so clearly we have reviewed it, and people continue to decide what's best for them.

However, there seems to be condescension aimed at those that do change their name, as if they're oppressed and to be pitied.

Interesting discussion!

@1apenny2apenny

• I don't like my name so I'll change it to yours
• Let's choose a new name for us and our children so we're all the same

(Sorry, I can't help myself.)
I know several couples/families who have done one of the above things, so it can't be that uncommon. One more famous example in my home country Sweden is the track and field athlete Carolina Klüft (holds the European record in heptathlon). When she married the track and field athlete Patrik Kristiansson, he changed his name to Klüft, so he is now Patrik Klüft.

I also have friends, "Julia Lindholm" and "Johan Holmgren". They married, and they now have the name Holm, Julia and Johan Holm.

Ironically I’m really enjoying being called ‘PoptartBarry’ so I think I’ll keep it.

Thanks so much for all the replies, it’s given me lots of food for thought. Thanks especially to the people who have reminded me I don’t have to decide immediately.

I don’t want to give too much personal info away but the name of my husband-to-be has strong roots in my mother’s culture which I feel much closer to than my father’s culture (although we have a good relationship). I think that’s colouring my thoughts a lot as I never imagined I would consider changing it. Yes, I am from a very multicultural place!

I also feel the same as those who said they would want to be the ‘name’ family with any children that might come.

To the person who said they like being able to ‘take off’ their professional persona when at home. I like the idea of that very much.

I also agree with the sentiment that feminism is partly about celebrating the freedom to make personal choices, rather than being doggedly oppositional. However, in the same spirit, I fully understand why so many women reject this tradition and I am a little surprise at myself tbh.

Lots of thinking to do!

My surname is really unusual and often mispronounced, but I wouldn't have even considered changing it. All of my qualifications and achievements are with my name so it would feel a bit sad to me. I did briefly entertain double-barrelling but it seemed like such a hassle I decided to just stay as I am. The kids have both surnames, unhyphenated - they can do with those as they wish when they're older.

I mean Ed Balls went into politics with the name Ed Balls.