Can’t make a decision on taking his name

[PoptartBarry]

Name change for this one (ha!)

I am getting married in one week and I still can’t make up my mind about changing my name. It’s driving me a bit mad so I want your opinions.

Have any of you changed your name and regretted it? Have any of you regretted NOT changing your name?

My surname is ‘foreign’ to English speakers, long and tricky for English speakers to pronounce so I’m not considering a double barrel. It would be too much!

Does anyone keep their maiden name at work and use their ‘married’ name in their private life? How do you feel about it now?

YABU = stop overthinking and change the name!

YANBU = no way, keep your own name!

Would love to hear your lived experiences.

I changed mine to my husbands, my original name was always mispelt, hard to pronounce in the uk and I didn't feel overly connected to it.
I didn't really think about it at the time, and it hasn't bothered me long term but I think if we were getting married now I would like to combine our surnames to make a new one together.
Our family names would have combined quite well, I just don't care enough to actually go about changing it now.

I got married 20 years ago and didn't change my name. I haven't regretted my decision, it's my name and it's part of my identity so why should I change it just because I got married?

I can't see how changing one's name is a feminist choice. It's not insulting to say that, it's just an observation. "Choice feminism" isn't really worthy of the name IMO.

You don’t have to decide immediately. I took three years to change my name and only changed it because I wanted us to all have one family name when I fell pregnant.

I also sometimes go by my maiden name. My passport is my maiden name as i don’t want to pay to get it changed and it still had 8 years on it.

Id wait a while after you’re married and make a decision then if you’re unsure.

Yes Mumsnet is like a parallel universe at times!

The implication on here is that you are odd or weird if you take your husband's name. Back in reality I only know a few people who haven't changed their names when they've married,

For what it's worth, I changed my name gradually. Firstly at work then once official documents etc needed renewing I changed them to my new name. Eased myself in gently!
I'm glad I did as I like having the same name as my children and the feeling that as a family we are connected by the same name. Not to mention the hassle it saves in terms of misunderstandings and not having to correct people, as unfortunately it is still assumed that you will share a surname.

I have two examples of this in my circle of friends I explained up the thread. In both circumstances the "foreign" names were causing some tension in a country with difficult relationships between two diasporas. The wives happened to have a more culturally acceptable surname so both men adopted their surnames at marriage.
More interestingly, the law prohibits people from choosing their own name if they cannot prove a clear ancestry links. So nobody can change the name by deed poll. But one of the exceptions in the law is for the members of this particular cultural group and they can change the surname to be whatever they like on the basis of them to be more likely to experience discrimination.

@CoffeenWalnut if you change your name in the UK via deed poll or adoption, that's different to adopting your spouse's name upon marriage. The former are legal changes, but the latter is a social nicety that you are legally allowed to do but for which you don't have to make any formal applications or declarations. You can just start using it, or not. Banks etc will ask for marriage certificates/birth certificates because they have to guard against fraud, but these things are just to check that you are you. There's nothing to stop someone in the UK from using one name at work, another on their passport or reverting to their pre marital name after a divorce.
Sadly I don't have any links to prove legality - it was something that came up on MN years ago and I was surprised, which is why I remembered it.
But when you think about it, you don't do anything legal after marriage to officially change your name, you just start informing people and using it.

OP, the other lovely thing about this is that if people divorce, a man doesn't have ownership over the name a woman might have been using for decades. It's deemed to be hers because she was using it. So as much as a man might moan, he can't do jack shit about his ex wife continuing to keep a name that her children have or that she's built a career in.

I did give the dc my name when he was born, since we weren't married. I changed both our names to DH's when we got married - felt a bit under pressure from in-laws because dh is an only child and I am not.
But I'll be honest, it does give me a little pang sometimes that my nephews have 'my' name and my own kids don't.
I really do think this is something women should give more thought to.

I got maried 8 years ago and did change my name. I haven't regretted my decision, it's part of my new identity as I entered a new phase of my life, so why should I keep my old name just because I got married?

Keep your name, OP, or double-barrel it with your husband’s. I regret not keeping my own surname. Now years later I’m divorced and I feel like I’m stuck with my ex’s surname because our children have his surname. If I could go back in time, I’d keep my own name and maybe double-barrel the children’s.

Probably because they are as much socially conditioned that it doesn’t occur to them as an option and to take that step would be quite unusual (though perfectly reasonable).
Same as children still automatically having their father’s name

@CantHoldMeDown
Because I didn't want to. Simple as that.
Let's respect each others choices.

Whether you change it or not, give any children the same surname as yourself. Don't fall into giving them their father's name if it isn't also yours. That's my opinion anyway!

Once again, the combination of the whole family, husband and all, taking the woman's name is just not considered an option. I don't think a single pp has done it.

When it's 50-50 whose name gets taken, with no societal pressure either way, then we can talk about women having a genuinely free choice.

My husband and I double barrelled with both our surnames. Could that be an option for you OP? We became Dr and Mrs My Surname His Surname (no hyphen). Naturally our child too.

As for professional and cultural considerations, husband was a published academic but wasn’t affected by the name change in his citation lists etc. Afterall women change all the time. Why not a man?

Also I have an often misspelt West African surname (husband has VERY common English surname) and this has also not caused him any difficulties. Although admittedly some interested curiosity from people from that country, a lot of “You are not who I was expecting.” 😂

There are so many ways to do a married surname (or not change at all - my grandmother never did). So take your time and pick what works best for you.

@CantHoldMeDown
Remove the chip from your shoulder and calm down. Your responses and tone on this thread to people who have made a different choice to you are bordering on bullying.
You're really not the feminist you think you are. Well done for smashing the patriarchy by changing your name though.

yes social conditioning is a big thing.

I got really annoyed when a BBC journo Ben Boulos got a great deal of attention because he changed his name from Ben Bland to Ben Boulos. Boulos is his mother's original surname. he was interviewed on Radio 4 and there were a few articles about it all as if it was a Major Fucking Deal. We were in the car listening to the radio and i exploded at because women change their names all the time and we don't all expect a bloody radio programme about it to be made.

Anyway- like I said upthread. I use two names depending on how I feel that day. I LIKE having two names. I get a bit of a kick out of it (one name I use for online twitter comments for example).

One of my friends has an extremely exotic name. Her grandmother changed it because she was apparently an orphan and disliked the name she had been given so she chose her own. I like that.

If you’re not sure so close to the wedding then imo you should leave your name as is

People will get offended no doubt but I just see absolutely no benefit to changing your name after marriage.
The only reasons I’ve ever heard is

• maiden name is your dads name - no don’t reduce women to only being the property of a man, it’s her own name. Why is a man’s name his own but a woman’s is only ever borrowed from man?
• difficult to travel with kids if they have different names - not true
• difficult to seek medical help for your child with different name - not true
• more of a family unit - this is so wishy washy I’m not even sure how to address it. The last names of anyone in my household is not a factor in our lives day to day by any means.

I think women changing their name will become less and less common in the near future. It’s totally pointless l, has no benefit and is just linked to a different time.

Wife kept her name, I kept mine. It was never really a discussion point. Some blokes get all arsey about women not taking their name but it all seems a bit silly in this day and age.