Can’t make a decision on taking his name

[PoptartBarry]

Name change for this one (ha!)

I am getting married in one week and I still can’t make up my mind about changing my name. It’s driving me a bit mad so I want your opinions.

Have any of you changed your name and regretted it? Have any of you regretted NOT changing your name?

My surname is ‘foreign’ to English speakers, long and tricky for English speakers to pronounce so I’m not considering a double barrel. It would be too much!

Does anyone keep their maiden name at work and use their ‘married’ name in their private life? How do you feel about it now?

YABU = stop overthinking and change the name!

YANBU = no way, keep your own name!

Would love to hear your lived experiences.

Did you discuss whether you would keep your birth name/share his name.

was him sharing your name discussed at all? Or was it always a given he would keep his?

Yes and yes. He didn’t want to take my name and both he and I didn’t want to double barrel.

I have to say it never occurred to me to take my father in laws name, I never liked him.

So he didn’t want to take your name but he’s happy enough to let you take his?

why the double standard?

dh and I discussed it, he would have taken my name, I didn’t want to take his. In the end we both kept our own names.

Wear a T-shirt that says MARRIED? Keep mentioning in every sentence eg ‘Yes, decaf latte and did I mention I’m MARRIED?’

There really hasn’t been any need. It is obvious from our shared surname.

But you carry on…

Yes.

There is no double standard. Like you, he didn’t want to change his name. I did.

dh and I discussed it, he would have taken my name, I didn’t want to take his. In the end we both kept our own names

Do you want a medal?

DH and I don’t share a surname but after nearly 30 years and two DC’s we’re no less married

The issue here isn't really over changing your name (which anyone can do whenever they like) but that you think the default is to take his surname and that you are considering not doing that.
It's honestly shocking that it is STILL considered unusual fo a woman to keep her own surname.

Does anyone keep their maiden name at work and use their ‘married’ name in their private life? How do you feel about it now?
Loads of women where I work dont change their name professionally, but do at home.

Ditto. Not uncommon at all.

Haven’t changed for work or home - why change for either?

How is it her own name, when it was her fathers name.

But how was it her father's name, when it was his fathers? If we follow that logic, nobody has their own name except the first person who ever used it.

So why all the fuss?

Yes exactly. Why such desire to randomly on one fine day change the name you've lived with for all those years to another one?

My hubby and I got together 15 years ago,we are yet to get married,but in every way that matters,we are husband and wife. We decided that we'd like to share our surname, and couldn't decide which to use,his or mine. He didn't particularly like his, so in the end we made our own name, his mother's maiden name, hyphenated with my maiden name (I'd been married previously) We made it legal via deed poll, and have happily used it for 13 years.

@SmurfettiBolognese Out of interest, why did you decide not to marry if to all intents and purposes that's how you refer to yourselves?

@SmurfettiBolognese if you are in the UK- you might feel in every way that is meaningful you are married, but sadly the law does not see it that way.

I'd encourage you to get married - it protects women. If it to all intents and purposes makes no difference to you because you both already feel married then you really ought.

If it actually was random you might have a point.

@Naughtiest Why does it only "protect women?" I'm married and far wealthier than my husband. Three kids.

Because usually women are the financially weaker partners in a relationship. As a former family lawyer I saw too many times where women were not on the deeds of the house; gave up a significant portion of their money-earning potential in child bearing and child rearing, and the got royally fucked over etc. It is usually women who are affected negatively in a relationship where there is no protection of marriage. Times are changing, granted, but not fast enough really.

There are other financial benefits around IHT and marriage allowance that will help both sides, but the generalised situation is that women are impacted financially by a relationship in ways that men are not. You see it all the time on MN where a woman goes on mat leave and has to beg her partner for crumbs because his money is his and her money has been swallowed up by mat leave or she is on SMP. There are literally thousands of thread on this.

@Naughtiest I divorced a very wealthy husband, however, and still got screwed over financially. Incredibly clever accountant who fooled the courts incredibly successfully. Marriage is not always the safety net people think it will be.
One of the reasons women should always work and never become financially independent.

It doesn’t always “protect women”.

i stupidly took advice of family who told me I needed to be married to “protect” myself when I got pregnant.

i am much, much worse off married. I’ve gone from savings, Isa’s, house pensions etc all in my sole name it now all being marital assets and dh could walk away with half.

There are other financial benefits around IHT

Only 4% of estates are liable for IHT. And with risen property values it is still only due to reach 7% by 2032.