Can’t make a decision on taking his name

[PoptartBarry]

Name change for this one (ha!)

I am getting married in one week and I still can’t make up my mind about changing my name. It’s driving me a bit mad so I want your opinions.

Have any of you changed your name and regretted it? Have any of you regretted NOT changing your name?

My surname is ‘foreign’ to English speakers, long and tricky for English speakers to pronounce so I’m not considering a double barrel. It would be too much!

Does anyone keep their maiden name at work and use their ‘married’ name in their private life? How do you feel about it now?

YABU = stop overthinking and change the name!

YANBU = no way, keep your own name!

Would love to hear your lived experiences.

Maiden name for work, because I’ve spent a lifetime building my professional reputation and didn’t want to lose it.
Husband’s name outside work just for novelty value, really. The wedding seemed a lot of trouble to go to not to be called Mrs Something.
Changing was really a lot of hassle and with hindsight I probably wouldn’t bother. In my head my name is Firstname Maiden name. I use both as my initials so I have First Middle Maiden Married. I quite like having the choice, but HR really struggle with the concept even though they’d be totally fine with me using made up pronouns. And I always forget which one I used when I registered for my work-provided private healthcare.

I changed mine when I married. I am a feminist at heart and struggled with the decision, but I haven’t regretted it. I love the fact that we all share a name as a family and having a double barrelled name would have been too much of a mouthful. It helped me a bit that I have a brother and so my maiden family name continued with him. It also helped that I was junior in my career so the name change didn’t matter.

If you’re in two minds, keep your own - at least for now. You can always change at a later date if you feel especially pulsed about it: there’s nothing to say it has to be done right after the wedding. I didn’t even consider changing mine. And DH didn’t consider I might either, it’s not especially common where he’s originally from and all the women in his immediate and extended family either kept their own names or double barrelled.

None of my married women friends have taken their husband’s name. I have a couple of friends who planned on having children and wanted a “family” name to share who came up with an entirely new one: I think that’s a lot more equitable personally, why should one person’s name have greater importance than the other?

Why not have your maiden name as a middle name so you don't lose it. Ideal if you aren't keen on double barrelled.

I changed my name when we married 44 years ago. Never regretted it, don't see why I would.

@ABirdsEyeView Do you have any legal links confirming this?
'At work' isn't really relevant IMO because employers usually don't produce any forms of acceptable identification.

But what about having, say your passport in one name, driving license in another.Bank accounts with one name or the other?

Would never change my name. It's mine.

Hi OP, my case is a bit different as I'm foreign born. My 'surname' is a patronym, so my dad's first name. So changing my name is really acquiring an actual surname. I can't pass it down to my kids anyway as that would mean they're my siblings, not my kids ifyswim.

If I had my own surname I wouldn't change it, no. I'd give the kids both names.

I changed mine when I got married because I wanted to. It's only on mumsnet that I've seen so many people say they didn't/wouldn't. I'm at the age now where loads of our friends are getting married, only one of the couples both took on a new name, all the rest of them the woman changed her name

Maiden name at work but husband’s name elsewhere could be a pain if you were in a job where someone booked foreign travel on your behalf and needed to remember or explain that your passport was not in the name you used at work.
Also, professional actors, musicians etc usually carry on using their maiden names at work for obvious reasons and seem to manage.

Didn't even think of changing mine decades back. DH is strangely proud that I didn't.

I don’t think you need to make a decision right now. I did change my name and very happy I did. I was keen to put some distance between myself and my family of origin, and we are now completely NC so actually really grateful I did.

But I think the main thing for me is having the same name as my children. Obviously, that didn’t mean I needed to change my name to my husband’s. We could have changed it to my name or we could have chosen a new name, but I really like that we all have the same surname. I like my husband’s family and it was nice to share their family name.

I wouldn't change my name under any circumstance, ever. Ok maybe if I was running from the law. I have a fabulous foreign surname which only legends can spell properly, and I love it. Even if my name was Sandra Arsecheeks I would still keep it tbh.

DP has a common as muck but proud Scottish surname which my son also has. My gran and her family had that name so it feels quite 'mine' too but I'm happy with my decisions all round. Each to their own but I do personally feel it's a weird and outdated practice for adults to change name upon marriage. Not sure where that leaves kids names as ours were truly unbarrelable.

I didn’t change my name and have no regrets not doing so.

My name is British but is also a pain in the neck to spell and pronounce and nobody ever gets it right the first time. My father was also not a nice man. But it’s MY name. I like it. I was quite happy to make vows to love, honour and cherish DH, I just don’t understand why I’d need to change my name to do that.

I don’t know many women who have kept their names though. None of my friends or colleagues have. A few of them regret not keeping it though.

Why are you assuming any children would have his name?

I changed my name so it matched my sons surname. Found it easy enough to change it and I'm glad that I did. But you don't have to make a decision straight away.

It never occurred to me to change my name. Fortunately my bloke had no expectation that I would.

Agree with this. I have never met anyone in real life who didn't change their name. In fact I know 1 person who kept maiden name for work but that's it.

I changed mine without a second thought. Never occured to me not to. As for all this 'my name is my identity' shit I don't understand that either. There's much more to my identity than my name!

I appreciate others may feel differently but its never really been that big of a deal to me 🤷🏼‍♀️

My parents got married when I was 2 years old. My mum took my dad's name because she wanted to have the same surname as me. I changed my surname by deed poll when I was 20 as dad's surname was awful and nobody could spell it correctly or pronounce it in the UK. I took my grandfather's surname. My mum always hated my dad's surname too and told me she only kept it for my sake (parents separated long ago). She ended up changing it at the age of 62 after much reassurance that I really don't care what she calls herself.
I honestly can't see why anyone would change their surname when getting married. Unless it is awful and you want to for practical reasons.

It never even entered my head . Why on earth would I change my name ? It is , quite frankly, ridiculous !

I remember even as a kid wondering why on earth people would do such a thing .

My best friend changed hers and it was hours of paperwork, contacting loads of different places. God knows how it all works with passports, banking etc. I suppose you could just let people call you Mrs Married if you wanted that, and smile at your own name when your bank statement comes in.

I don’t have links but I used the passport in my “old” name for nearly ten years post marriage, and I’ve still kept a bank account in my old name just in case.

I did change my name at work though, but I think we’d be happy to employ someone under their maiden name if they could present a birth certificate, marriage certificate and passport in the married name.

I took my husband’s name, I didn’t even consider keeping my name. We gave our children his name and I wanted us to all have the same family name. Everyone is different so you’ll get lots of different opinions. Only you knows what will feel right for you

Your choice entirely! But I wonder how many men feel their name doesn't really matter and can be changed without a second thought?

I double barrelled mine with his, but haven't changed it at work as too much hassle! Changed driving licence and passport as and when it needed renewing.