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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can’t make a decision on taking his name

578 replies

PoptartBarry · 20/08/2024 12:08

Name change for this one (ha!)

I am getting married in one week and I still can’t make up my mind about changing my name. It’s driving me a bit mad so I want your opinions.

Have any of you changed your name and regretted it? Have any of you regretted NOT changing your name?

My surname is ‘foreign’ to English speakers, long and tricky for English speakers to pronounce so I’m not considering a double barrel. It would be too much!

Does anyone keep their maiden name at work and use their ‘married’ name in their private life? How do you feel about it now?

YABU = stop overthinking and change the name!

YANBU = no way, keep your own name!

Would love to hear your lived experiences.

OP posts:
Tisfortired · 20/08/2024 12:11

I got married a couple of months ago and had no qualms taking my husbands name as my maiden name was changed by deed poll to my step dads name when I was 5. We are now NC and had an awful relationship so I was glad to be rid of it and embrace having the same name as my partner and children. I think if I had an attachment to my name I would definitely double barrel however I see you don’t want that!

My mum uses her maiden name in her professional life still but her name is legally her married name, this works for her.

MrTwatchester · 20/08/2024 12:12

I kept mine, no regrets. It wasn’t even up for debate, I couldn’t imagine not having my name - it’s part of my identity.

Nicebloomers · 20/08/2024 12:13

I wouldn’t dream of changing my name.

SpanThatWorld · 20/08/2024 12:13

Been married 25+ years.
Never used his name. Could never see a reason why I would.

blankittyblank · 20/08/2024 12:13

I didn't take my husbands name. Basically I'm not his property (which is what this weird tradition comes from) so no chance! My kids have both our surnames.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 20/08/2024 12:14

Do you have children or plan to have them? If you're not going to change it or double barrell it then I think that's another conversation you need to have with your future husband. Are either of you going to be happy with the children not having your surname?

If children aren't involved then I'd just keep separate surnames personally!

Dreamcatchergirl · 20/08/2024 12:14

You don’t have to take their name the day you get married. You can change it at any point, keep your name for now and then decide later down the line if that’s better for you.

Mumtobeno2 · 20/08/2024 12:15

I changed mine as I liked the idea of us all having the same name as a family. Mine was also non native to England by husband's is. The only reason it ever came up was when we had our daughter and then I wanted her to have middle names that were from my culture to reflect both her heritages. Her first name is ethnically ambiguous.

eurochick · 20/08/2024 12:16

I never considered changing my name and find it odd that anyone still does in 2024.

SauvignonBlonk · 20/08/2024 12:17

I changed my name on marriage. Really regretted it. Now got my own name back.
Wish I’d not done it.

Ibloodylovetea · 20/08/2024 12:17

I changed my name when I married DH. But it's a pain having to change it on bank accounts, passport, driving licence, Dr, Dentist etc etc. Everyone seems to want an original marriage cert.

DryIce · 20/08/2024 12:17

Never changed mine, no regrets. Seems as strange to me as changing my first name

Wildehorses · 20/08/2024 12:18

Ask him if he would like to change his surname? There’s your answer (it was never even up for discussion when I wed, kept mine, kids have both)

Singleandproud · 20/08/2024 12:19

Why not both change your name?

I don't like the idea of changing name as it's a bit like changing ownership from the father to the husband but changing it to a name specific to the two of you might be a good option.

Nix32 · 20/08/2024 12:20

Maiden name at work, married name at home. Means I have the same name as my kids for passports etc. Didn't want to lose my maiden name entirely, so it works well for me.

meltedchocolateandstrawberries · 20/08/2024 12:20

I changed my mine because my maiden name reminded me of my dad and I can't stand him. I also just wanted the same name as my children, there's nothing wrong with that. I think it just comes down to which name you want.

Disastrouspottytraining · 20/08/2024 12:20

I got married 6yrs ago and still have my maiden name. The children have DH's name. I keep thinking that maybe I'll change mine next time I renew my passport, or add it to the end of my name or something, but then I'm not sure I can be bothered with more life admin. 😅 So for now I'm sticking as I am.

S0CKPUPPET · 20/08/2024 12:20

Never changed mine and I’m very glad that I didn’t.

I did however give our children my surname as a middle names and then his surname as a last name, which was a big mistake. I should have insisted that they all had my surname.

Shibr · 20/08/2024 12:22

Was there ever a conversation about changing his name to yours? I know of two couples that wanted to have the same name and they flipped a coin on their wedding day. I think that sounds the fairest option for those who want a family name - why is it always the woman who has to forfeit her name. As for all the women who have seemingly awful surnames and can’t wait to change them - do their brothers take the names of their partners due to their awful name?!!

TwinklyAmberOrca · 20/08/2024 12:22

I changed mine and regret it. I wish I'd kept my maiden name but thought it would be easier for travelling abroad if I had the same name.

I do use my maiden name and work though (teacher) and have never changed it.

ABirdsEyeView · 20/08/2024 12:22

I think that if you aren't sure, then you should keep yours.
Just to add though that in Britain your name is always your name and using a married name is a social nicety which is legally allowed, but you aren't giving up any right to return to your original name. You can use both simultaneously and so whatever you do, doesn't have to be permanent. You are allowed to one for work and one for home, for example.

The big thing to consider is that you would do about children, if they are part of your plan. And this is something to iron out before you get married. I personally would want the same last name as my children and I would go with the last name that I liked the sound of better (no one ever accused me of being deep 😀). But everyone is different and this can be a source of conflict for couples.

MrTwatchester · 20/08/2024 12:22

We don't have children (don't want any), but if we did, they would have my name. Husband could change his to ours if it was important to him, but I wouldn't insist.

Our names don't double-barrel well, but even if they did, I think women and children going double-barrelled is a bullshit compromise. Why is the idea of everyone taking the woman's name always the third option behind man's name or both names?

SingingSands · 20/08/2024 12:23

I changed my name. I wasn't going to at first, and it took a little while afterwards for me to sort it but I realised that double-barrelling our names wouldn't work. We'd sound like an 80s soft rock band (and I also have to admit that I just don't like double barrelled names).

I like being the "Smith" family.

DH's surname was thankfully quite non-offensive and I kept the same initials.

otravezempezamos · 20/08/2024 12:24

I kept my name but that is because I chose it aged 18 (both mum and I went back to her maiden name - my father walked out before I was born but they were still married).
I loath double barreled names with a passion (unless you’re Spanish) so kids have DH name, I’m not bothered about that.

StellaCruella · 20/08/2024 12:24

Each to their own but I wouldn't change my name and can't really understand how the tradition is still going. 11 years and no regrets!