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Original poster

Am I Pathetically jealous or justifiably miffed?

225 replies

Dragonsandelves · 15/08/2024 23:11

I am a single mum to 3 kids, 2 with additional needs. Love them to bits as goes without saying, but due to their high needs there are no instagram worthy pics of days out / first days at school/ perfect smiley family etc. we take each day as it comes, roll with the neurodiverse meltdowns (intense) and as long as my kids are fed and alive and loved by the end of the day and I’ve brushed my teeth once it’s a win. You get the picture.
my brother has twins of 8 months with a gorgeous (inside and out) wife and they live overseas, we aren’t very close but no bad relations, we just live in different worlds (they have Nannies, housekeepers, multiple houses across the world, and post lots on social media). Am i happy for him? Yes. Am I jealous? Yes. Do I feel an idiot for feeling jealous? Yes, but it is what it is.

my issue: when the twins were born his wife set up a what’s app group for her extensive family (think parents, stepparents, siblings, cousins) who all live in different countries to keep them up to date with cute pics/ videos/ updates of the twins. Lovely idea. My brother then kindly added me without asking me, fair enough, it’s a nice thought. But omg every day around 24 messages come in from each family member
commenting on the twins outfit that day, their smile, what activity they are doing and while it’s great they have this large extended family who adore them, it’s slowly eating me up, I have no family other than my Brother, no one to send 5
messages applauding my kids smiling (not that they often do and never on demand) but somehow it’s making it painfully obvious that my kids have…me and that’s it, The jealously is creeping in and every message makes me feel angry and it’s such a rotten feeling, I don’t feel I can exit the group without looking rude, I’ve muted it so I don’t get pinged all day with 9 X “wow! Is that a half blueberry F is trying? WELL DONE!” But I have to catch up at the end of a few days and add my
own “well done!” Or I am the only one not doing it and it looks rude ☹️

i think I’m especially on edge this week as i got hit with a wicked electricity bill and parking ticket on the same day that on the chat are offers to buy them the next step up double buggy for £2500 and talk of a weekend at Xmas in a chalet for them (I could go but would need to pay my way and that could never happen financially or with my kids coping in a ski chalet). So it feels like it’s rubbing it in my face that they have an army of family behind them to adore them and financially support them and my kids … don’t, And I know that’s just life but somehow this active group entirely dedicated to the twins makes me feel really envious.

i need to know if I’m being reasonable in which case what the hell do I do as I don’t want to cause offence, and if I’m not do I simply have to try and suck it up?

OP posts:
Myfavouriteflowers · 15/08/2024 23:17

Oh this would drive me mad OP.
I'm not surprised it upsets you.
Can't you withdraw yourself from the group? If they are so self absorbed and there are so many adoring other people in the group would they even notice?

HoppityBun · 15/08/2024 23:22

You aren’t being unreasonable because it’s perfectly understandable that the difference between your lives gets you down. You are being unreasonable to interpret the messages on your brother’s group as rubbing your face in others’ good fortune because the messages are not put on there in order to have a dig at you. They probably don’t even think about you reading them

Username75184 · 15/08/2024 23:23

Leave the group. If your brother asks why explain to him what you've written here that you're struggling at the moment and this group isn't helping, as much as you love the updates about the babies you feel overwhelmed.
Have you considered moving to be near them?

Babyshambles90 · 15/08/2024 23:23

I’d go for honesty here if you think you can do that. If you say to your brother look, this is about me not about you - I’m really happy for you, and it was a lovely thought to include me, but actually I’m only human and on the tough days this is one more bruise to the soul that I am struggling to cope with. So I’m going to quietly leave the group, I still love you all, but it’s just not healthy for me right now. Any sibling who can’t accept that graciously is being a bit crap imo. It is totally natural to feel like this and it’s healthy not to put yourself through this.

Original poster
Dragonsandelves · 15/08/2024 23:24

Thank you for your empathy ❤️‍🩹
the problem is I think it would cause offence if I leave - they’re all perfectly nice it’s just it’s ALL about the twins, even the name of it is an instagram type homage to the twins, and it’s meant to be a place where they can update everyone on them and keep everyone in touch including me, their aunt. In theory it’s a nice idea but in practice it’s slowly eating me up seeing how beautifully the twins are developing and the audience of adoring family members cheering them on when I’m cleaning a roll of my wall that my kid threw and wondering how to pay my £60 parking ticket. I hate feeling jealous but it’s eating me up ☹️

OP posts:
Username75184 · 15/08/2024 23:25

Why are you concerned about offending them? They aren't concerned about your feelings.

GentlemanJay · 15/08/2024 23:25

This would drive me mad. You clearly have different lives. I'd leave the group.

otravezempezamos · 15/08/2024 23:26

Leaving the group is totally justified. Your brother’s life is a bed of roses. The hand you have been dealt in the parenting card game of life is utter shite and seeing all those messages is a constant reminder of that. So sorry OP.

GentlemanJay · 15/08/2024 23:26

Mute it. Then delete the thread. It would go into archive and you won't see it.

Sprinkles211 · 15/08/2024 23:26

I live your life, have 3 kiddos 2 severe will never leave home and be independent. I've had to delete all social media I just can't deal with how easy life (even when faked) is for others or the drama of he said she said shit that belongs in a playground, I very often have to make life changing and on a couple of occasions life or death decisions for my children. I've actually just this week been diagnosed with cptsd due to the constant traumas endured and pressures to make the right choices, so when people around you appear to be able to live carefree and have no understanding of how we have to fight just for things they get to take for granted or a basic human right or need it absolutely takes a toll on you.

Yourdemonsyourproblem · 15/08/2024 23:27

Instagram is soooo fake trust me I know a few influencers you think would have money

Original poster
Dragonsandelves · 15/08/2024 23:28

I’m so bad at being honest upfront 🙁I’m nervous my brother will be hurt because I’m his only biological family member on it (everyone else is his in laws). I really don’t want to come across as rude to them all especially my brother. Moving isn’t an option for me, I’m in a housing association house near my kids schools that specialise in additional needs and have my part time job during school hours. Moving abroad is as likely as me moving to the moon (sadly).

OP posts:
Original poster
Dragonsandelves · 15/08/2024 23:30

Sprinkles211 · 15/08/2024 23:26

I live your life, have 3 kiddos 2 severe will never leave home and be independent. I've had to delete all social media I just can't deal with how easy life (even when faked) is for others or the drama of he said she said shit that belongs in a playground, I very often have to make life changing and on a couple of occasions life or death decisions for my children. I've actually just this week been diagnosed with cptsd due to the constant traumas endured and pressures to make the right choices, so when people around you appear to be able to live carefree and have no understanding of how we have to fight just for things they get to take for granted or a basic human right or need it absolutely takes a toll on you.

I’m so sorry you are
going through it too, I actually got diagnosed this morning with PTSD from the medical traumas along with my best friends anxiety and depression so I totally get
it. ❤️‍🩹

OP posts:
Original poster
Dragonsandelves · 15/08/2024 23:32

otravezempezamos · 15/08/2024 23:26

Leaving the group is totally justified. Your brother’s life is a bed of roses. The hand you have been dealt in the parenting card game of life is utter shite and seeing all those messages is a constant reminder of that. So sorry OP.

This is how I feel but I’m so nervous I look like a kid on Xmas day who throws
her toys out the pram as I know I should just be happy for them 😣

OP posts:
CherryBlossom321 · 15/08/2024 23:32

They’re not “perfectly nice” if they’d be offended by you leaving a WhatsApp group because you’re struggling. If they were perfectly nice they’d have had more sensitivity in the first place, than to add you to such a group.

Lovethat · 15/08/2024 23:33

I'd leave and drop your db a cut down version of what you put in your op. If it causes offence then you have to consider what's more important, causing offence or your own mental health.

Onabench · 15/08/2024 23:36

I definitely wouldn't leave the group. Just mute it. If you value your relationship with your brother. Just review the catch ups when you feel ready, once a week or so.

They live a very different life to yours but don't cut them out

Cantrushart · 15/08/2024 23:39

You need to put your own wellbeing ahead of your brothers. Come off the group. I left our family group for a very similar reason and feel a lot better for it. Apparently there were a few comments and a brief pause in the boasty posts (some self awareness perhaps) then everything carried on as before. All forgotten.

Sittingonthefence83 · 15/08/2024 23:39

I honestly don't think they would be offended with they are nice people (as a pp said).

Please just leave the group for your own sake

Original poster
Dragonsandelves · 15/08/2024 23:40

This is so helpful everyone, thank you for validating how I feel. It’s made me realise a big part of it is the loss I feel that my kids only have me as their dad’s family cut me out when we separated so they literally only have me and to see this beautiful warm big family all adoring the twins who live such a charmed amazing life somehow makes me feel like my 3 are second best which is ridiculous i know.

OP posts:
TealPoet · 15/08/2024 23:43

I don’t think it’s surprising you feel that way - it’s painful! But is there no way you can bring that warm supportive group into your own life a bit? If you’re part of the group one way it should work in the other direction to. Ok so your kids’ ‘triumphs’ might not look as cute, but they’re valid and maybe you’d feel better if others acknowledge how well you’re actually doing - which you are!

Strangerthanfictions · 15/08/2024 23:46

CherryBlossom321 · 15/08/2024 23:32

They’re not “perfectly nice” if they’d be offended by you leaving a WhatsApp group because you’re struggling. If they were perfectly nice they’d have had more sensitivity in the first place, than to add you to such a group.

There's no should, you don't have the energy to celebrate their life because you're too busy battling yours, they might not see that because you're forcing yourself to act in a way that is not congruent to how you are feeling inside, it's ok for you to act how you feel, like things are a struggling and perhaps if they realise this they may have more tact and sensitivity and offer more support, but until they know how you feel they can't do anything about it and they can only keep responding to the act. Of course if they were really sensitive they might think about what life is like for you and offer support but sometimes you have to put it out there to be seen

Original poster
Dragonsandelves · 15/08/2024 23:48

That’s incredibly kind but it’s literally all about the twins - no one posts anything about their own lives / kids at all. They also all talk in their native language which I don’t speak but understand a bit and for me to post a pic of my 3 glaring at the camera inside our messy house as one never wants to leave the house would just feel so odd now we’ve had 8 months of literally just….the twins. In various exotic locations. Doing normal lovely baby things, but every single comment is in response to the daily photo montage of “today the twins are…..XYZ” And then comes 12 x “amazing, well done! They are perfect” it’s simply a group for the twins As the group was named after. 😓

OP posts:
Pallisers · 15/08/2024 23:49

Oh, OP, I really feel for you.

Do you ever just chat with your brother - over the phone maybe. Because then you could just tell him that you are finding the whatsapp group a bit hard at the moment because you have some significant struggles (tbh if you are close he should know this) and no offense but you are opting out much as you love your nieces/nephews. How could anyone get offended at a single mum of 3 kids some with sn whose father's side has cut her off opting out of a lovefest thread for a very very fortunate family?

Sometimes I think social media is the work of the devil.

Noseybookworm · 15/08/2024 23:50

Listen, you shouldn't have to worry about your brother being offended on top of everything else you've got on your plate! If he doesn't understand how this is making you feel, he's a twat. Just remove yourself from the group and tell him that it's really affecting you seeing their updates of their perfect lives while you are trying to parent your 3 kids alone and it's bloody hard. Does he ask how you're doing? How your kids are doing? Offer any practical support or help? Stop worrying about his feelings and look after yourself 💐