Am I Pathetically jealous or justifiably miffed?

[Dragonsandelves]

I am a single mum to 3 kids, 2 with additional needs. Love them to bits as goes without saying, but due to their high needs there are no instagram worthy pics of days out / first days at school/ perfect smiley family etc. we take each day as it comes, roll with the neurodiverse meltdowns (intense) and as long as my kids are fed and alive and loved by the end of the day and I’ve brushed my teeth once it’s a win. You get the picture.
my brother has twins of 8 months with a gorgeous (inside and out) wife and they live overseas, we aren’t very close but no bad relations, we just live in different worlds (they have Nannies, housekeepers, multiple houses across the world, and post lots on social media). Am i happy for him? Yes. Am I jealous? Yes. Do I feel an idiot for feeling jealous? Yes, but it is what it is.

my issue: when the twins were born his wife set up a what’s app group for her extensive family (think parents, stepparents, siblings, cousins) who all live in different countries to keep them up to date with cute pics/ videos/ updates of the twins. Lovely idea. My brother then kindly added me without asking me, fair enough, it’s a nice thought. But omg every day around 24 messages come in from each family member
commenting on the twins outfit that day, their smile, what activity they are doing and while it’s great they have this large extended family who adore them, it’s slowly eating me up, I have no family other than my Brother, no one to send 5
messages applauding my kids smiling (not that they often do and never on demand) but somehow it’s making it painfully obvious that my kids have…me and that’s it, The jealously is creeping in and every message makes me feel angry and it’s such a rotten feeling, I don’t feel I can exit the group without looking rude, I’ve muted it so I don’t get pinged all day with 9 X “wow! Is that a half blueberry F is trying? WELL DONE!” But I have to catch up at the end of a few days and add my
own “well done!” Or I am the only one not doing it and it looks rude ☹️

i think I’m especially on edge this week as i got hit with a wicked electricity bill and parking ticket on the same day that on the chat are offers to buy them the next step up double buggy for £2500 and talk of a weekend at Xmas in a chalet for them (I could go but would need to pay my way and that could never happen financially or with my kids coping in a ski chalet). So it feels like it’s rubbing it in my face that they have an army of family behind them to adore them and financially support them and my kids … don’t, And I know that’s just life but somehow this active group entirely dedicated to the twins makes me feel really envious.

i need to know if I’m being reasonable in which case what the hell do I do as I don’t want to cause offence, and if I’m not do I simply have to try and suck it up?

I'd chat to your brother explain seeing the difference in the twins lives to your own children is seriously affecting your mh and would he be offended if you left the group?
Or can you mute and archive it so you never see it but you haven't left.

Come out of the group for your own wellbeing and you've enough on your plate without this added to it.

When you leave a WhatsApp group only the admins get notified now. So you don’t have to worry about all the other people on the group thinking you’ve flounced off. Just your brother and his wife will see as they would be the admins. I would tell them that you’re not really into WhatsApp groups generally as you prefer one to one more reciprocal stuff, and perhaps you could set up a group just for the three of you to post stuff about the cousins and yourselves? And if you do that, try in your head to feel that you’re just posting to your brother, to keep the relationship genuine there.
But as a previous poster has said, it’s unlikely that you’re the only person on that group who finds it all a bit much. Honestly I think your SIL sounds like a PITA, very insensitive and self absorbed. Or perhaps she is quite competitive and enjoys rubbing peoples faces in it. But I am very cynical and you are clearly not.

Any offence they feel for you making an adult choice, say to yourself "they're grown adults, they'll get over it"

all that boasting and lack of social filter makes them deeply inadequate.

there is nothing easier than bragging on any platform about what you possess and what a wonderful life you have, but those with any sense of propriety just don't do that shit, simple as.

take yourself off, don't explain to them why because it's a waste of your time. They don't get to tell you what to do or not do.

Well said.

You are not being unreasonable. You're allowed your feelings. It's what you do with your feelings that matters most.
If you're afraid of offending them, it may help to write out your feelings before you explode. Perhaps share what you've written with them. Tell them you feel they are tone deaf to how you live your life. It's totally possible to advocate for yourself in this situation. However, you could be as kind as humanly possible and they may still be unhappy about the message.

This. They seem very self absorbed and insensitive.

Actually, that is exactly what you will be telling your brother and his wife. You are clearly jealous and bitter. You are one of the closest relatives those twins have, and admit yourself that your brother is nice to you. I am shocked that everyone here appears to imply it is okay to leave the group. How would you feel if your sibling showed such an attitude against your kids?

You can mute the chat so that you don’t get notifications of messages. I’ve done that to my works group chats as some days it’s just random shit that’s posted and it’s annoying!

it means I get to check it when I want to.

If it preserves OP's mental health, absolutely!. So OP has to , again, be selfless and her MH suffer for others...no. OP can stop notifications on the group and just delete the messages without looking unless she wants to. Her brother may be nice but if he's so nice im sure he would understand. OP has enough on without feeling guilty about this. I was on a whatsapp group , updates on one child..i adore kids but...i stopped the notifications too...apart from them documenting every poo or every sneeze, it was exhausting trying to think of comments that weren't meh.

Omg these sort of parents make me naseous op. Id mute it too then archive.

Chin up op, sounds like you have it harder but are doing a good job x

Absolutely humbled by these responses, thank you so much. What a nice way to start my day.
im a bit hesitant to talk to my brother about my mental health because I feel oddly private about it, but might lead up to it. or rather work on that! for now I’m going to mute the chat and reply to all the many pics say twice a week almost like taking my meds, just jump on and do it and hop off again with a nice comment. that way I can try and keep it at a distance but still be virtually involved in their lives which obviously they want. To everyone in the group it might just look like I’m too busy to care or comment lots but as so many of you have wisely said I know that’s not the
case but they don’t need to know the details. that way I can sort of distance myself from a constant drip feed of lovely updates and cheerleading comments that leave me sitting wanting to fling my phone at the wall and find an army for my kids, but I’m just it for them and that’s how it is. Thank you so much for making me feel less alone.

@Sprinkles211 I just wanted to wish you and your family all the best.

Ive already admitted I’m jealous, and I’m just trying
to find ways to manage that. I love the twins and my brother but the constant messages from her family that start at 6am with a pic of the twins getting up and everyone saying good morning, and finishes at 10pm with them all saying goodnight to the twins and congratulating them on their day is sending me over the edge. I also have a chat with only my brother so it’s not like I’d be asking to leave his and the twins’ lives completely, it’s just this group that’s making me struggle. Would I mind if my sibling felt jealous of me? Well I can’t imagine anyone feeling jealous of me and my life 😂so I probably can’t answer that. But I’d like to hope I’d understand that life deals different hands to different people I guess.

How kind, thank you

You been on the brekkie vino again?

I really feel for you OP.

Maybe the conversation with your brother doesn't have to be about your MH. You could just contact him separately and say "Hey, I thought it would be nice to chat just us two. The twins look very happy. We are all OK here, things are.... <any details of your life - not sanitised! - that you're OK sharing>."

That way your brother can get some insight into your life too. He cared enough to add you to the other chat so presumably he cares about you and his nieces/nephews at least a bit.

Its their family whats app. They added you because you ate part of their family. Yabu to be jealous. Do you honestly think their life is without challenges? Noones is. They just different challenges to yours so you struggle to relate. They aren't putting those challenges in the group. It's a WhatsApp to unite a disunited family around the world.

Mute it. Archive it so you don't see anything.

Dip in at Christmas to wish them al merry Christmas then rearchive

Awww OP, this sounds hard.

I assume it’s a ‘happy for them, sad for me?’

Your brother may feel a bit of an outsider to his wife’s family anyway, and from what you’ve said he sounds kindly.

so I’d reach out to him. Just a catch up, then maybe at some point say that the group is a bit hard for you just now.

Try to catch up regularly with him though.

OP, this WhatsApp group sounds relentless and in your situation you would need to be superhuman, or incredibly well supported by a partner, not to feel jealous of a huge extended family, wealth, and DCs with every advantage.

I totally get how you feel from a sort of parallel experience of living with an extremely limiting health condition over many decades. My life is very small and quiet but I am fine with it if others more fulfilling lives aren’t too much in my face. But if I’m feeling low, it is sometimes very painful to see people’s posts of yet another lovely outing with their 10 closest friends, or pictures of their 6th holiday this year. I know if I’m already wobbly it doesn’t do me good, and take frequent breaks from social media.

The WhatsApp is group is so busy that you have the perfect excuse for muting it or leaving. If an explanation even needs to be given you could say as a single parent you don’t have a minute to yourself and you’ve had to step back from social media for now. This would be the fallback, general explanation for the group if one is needed. For your brother perhaps more of an explanation but stressing that you are struggling and need some support. He probably thought he was being kind including you - and wants to share his happiness. It would have been unkind in a different way to leave you out of the group. I probably wouldn’t mention feeling jealous even to your brother as that’s a hot button for many people and can be a very complicated feeling between siblings. Perhaps, if you can think of a way your brother can share news of the DCs in a way that would be more manageable for you, you could suggest that to him.

Pff. It’s not about being ‘against’ anyone. OP is finding the group difficult and she’s got enough on her plate without having her mood dragged down by being forced to participate in this group all the time.

The idea behind it is nice for the parents.

But actually can you imagine if everyone in your extended family had a group like this for their kids and we were all expected to comment regularly on all of these single-interest groups. Social media (facebook, insta, etc) already exists for the purpose of sharing photos and updates and at least gives people the option to log on / look / comment as and when they wish and are in the mood for social media interactions. It is also a two-way street (!) as those relatives posting can show interest and comment on your pictures and updates as well – if they want.

This is a bit of a one-way street, and in fact I think it would be much nicer for them to maintain ties with people by having a direct group chat where there’s reciprocation and mutual interest and is not just set to transmit.

OP isn’t against their kids, she’s just trying to maintain her sanity and doesn’t have the bandwidth for something that regularly makes her feel sad.

I have children with special needs so I understands The posts showing every second of their twins perfect lives is extremely rude, disrespectful and inconsiderate of your own personal situation. Someone who cared about you would not be rubbing it in your face like this. It’s not that difficult to have some empathy and understand that your situation is different and you may be experiencing difficulties with parenting.

The problem is if you stay in the group you are contributing to the idea that the world revolves around their little darlings especially if you contribute. Personally I would just leave. The mental relief from not seeing the posts everyday would outweigh any backlash.

I find so many people very ignorant and intolerant of parents with special needs. It’s such a shame. Some are absolutely lovely but it’s a shame that family members often don’t make any effort to understand what you are going through.

OP I lead a pretty charmed life and I’m fully aware my Dsis and DM are not in the same position. I dial down the crap I talk about, edit the holidays (although in fairness they both ask) and I’m generous to my DNephews. I try and be sensitive to them. In fairness they may not care, but frankly my life would be boring to hear about so I keep it mainly to myself. They do sound a bit self absorbed.

I’m sorry you are struggling with life and I think your feelings are totally justified. Your DC have a great mum, they are lucky to have you.

Well that's spiteful. They clearly probably even forgot op is part of the group and also not even registered her situation. Babies are cute and that's probably all they see, this doesn't seem as sinister as you make it to be.

Op I have every sympathy for you and think your feelings are valid. I would just mute and lock the chat. That way it hides it and you also forget it's there.

That’s very wise, I think he definitely wanted to include me as knows I’m on my own, good intentions it’s just not working for me and I don’t want to be the jealous aunt in the corner -
that doesn’t feel good 😣