Am I Pathetically jealous or justifiably miffed?

[Dragonsandelves]

I am a single mum to 3 kids, 2 with additional needs. Love them to bits as goes without saying, but due to their high needs there are no instagram worthy pics of days out / first days at school/ perfect smiley family etc. we take each day as it comes, roll with the neurodiverse meltdowns (intense) and as long as my kids are fed and alive and loved by the end of the day and I’ve brushed my teeth once it’s a win. You get the picture.
my brother has twins of 8 months with a gorgeous (inside and out) wife and they live overseas, we aren’t very close but no bad relations, we just live in different worlds (they have Nannies, housekeepers, multiple houses across the world, and post lots on social media). Am i happy for him? Yes. Am I jealous? Yes. Do I feel an idiot for feeling jealous? Yes, but it is what it is.

my issue: when the twins were born his wife set up a what’s app group for her extensive family (think parents, stepparents, siblings, cousins) who all live in different countries to keep them up to date with cute pics/ videos/ updates of the twins. Lovely idea. My brother then kindly added me without asking me, fair enough, it’s a nice thought. But omg every day around 24 messages come in from each family member
commenting on the twins outfit that day, their smile, what activity they are doing and while it’s great they have this large extended family who adore them, it’s slowly eating me up, I have no family other than my Brother, no one to send 5
messages applauding my kids smiling (not that they often do and never on demand) but somehow it’s making it painfully obvious that my kids have…me and that’s it, The jealously is creeping in and every message makes me feel angry and it’s such a rotten feeling, I don’t feel I can exit the group without looking rude, I’ve muted it so I don’t get pinged all day with 9 X “wow! Is that a half blueberry F is trying? WELL DONE!” But I have to catch up at the end of a few days and add my
own “well done!” Or I am the only one not doing it and it looks rude ☹️

i think I’m especially on edge this week as i got hit with a wicked electricity bill and parking ticket on the same day that on the chat are offers to buy them the next step up double buggy for £2500 and talk of a weekend at Xmas in a chalet for them (I could go but would need to pay my way and that could never happen financially or with my kids coping in a ski chalet). So it feels like it’s rubbing it in my face that they have an army of family behind them to adore them and financially support them and my kids … don’t, And I know that’s just life but somehow this active group entirely dedicated to the twins makes me feel really envious.

i need to know if I’m being reasonable in which case what the hell do I do as I don’t want to cause offence, and if I’m not do I simply have to try and suck it up?

Awww! I didn't see this before I posted. I think your db sounds lovely and it would not fall on deaf ears at all if you said exactly this to him. It's just not working keeping in touch this way. And if you feel comfortable enough sharing more then I think you'll come away feeling like you've got 1 more person supporting you

Leave the group- it brings nothing positive to your life.

If your brother asks why simply tell him you are having a social media break and are stressed out at the moment and cannot handle being in multiple WhatsApp groups (he doesnt have to know if this isnt true) and feeling pressure to reply to them all. You could also say you are focusing on mindfulness and a calmer life.

There is NOTHING wrong with doing that and if he gets offended then thats on him and actually he should be more concerned about your wellbeing than some stupid WhatsApp group.

Personally I think your brother should help you out financially. That's what I'd do if I was very well off and had a sibling who was really struggling.
But I know it's not that simple and all family dynamics are very different.

eugh - I have a little insight on the living abroad scenario as I work for a multinational in the UK and hear about the ‘struggle’ of other employees in countries where it is normal to have ‘help’. In the UK we eye roll and lament that we are not on a level playing field. It must be 10x worse when it’s a family member. I bet relatives congratulate them on coping well with two as well grrr

mute is the way to go!

I agree with this suggestion. I appreciate it may be hard to broach this sensitive subject with your bro but I think if you can try to talk to him and explain your reasons for opting out of the chat before doing so then it can hardly be seen as confrontational.

I could not personally stand this level of interaction/constant updates, photos etc - from anyone and I am speaking as someone who is very fortunate to not have had any real stuggles (yet, who knows in future). If it were me I'd definitely opt out but think I would emphasise that I'd like to review some photos updates direct from my sibling.

Good luck, hope you can find a way.

Sadly, privileged self absorbed people might not realise the reality of others. It's fairly common speaking to others.

💐

Could you mute the group and set up one with just you and your brother where you can both be more honest with each other.

Also btw I accidentally voted Unreasonable but can't seem to reverse it. Clearly you are not unreasonable- sorry about that

Mum to a SEN child. I totally get where you are. I feel like we live in a parallel universe universe sometimes.

Can you archive the group. So hiding it essentially. And don't worry about needing to add a comment. You have two Sen kids, you are busy!

Blimey, thats all very self absorbed, isnt it? The constant bombardment would drive me nuts even without the additional challenges you face, OP.

I think I'd mute the thread and pop in every month or so to 'heart' something without even looking at what I was responding to.

If anything gets said, I'd explain I simply don't have time to keep up with all the posts.

Mute it. You're still in it, can see the cute photos when you want to but aren't getting notifications.

If anyone asks why you aren't commenting, just calmly point out that you have sole responsibility for three children and therefore don't have time to respond to every WhatsApp message but that you will when you have the time to check it and it warrants a response.

We have a family group and BIL is constantly posting his kids achievements in there, but will never respond to our posts so we don't bother.

Social media is contructed this way. It's like an addctive substance. It enables people to show their lives as one continuous, whoop it up, shout it from the rooftops, non stop celebration.

In your case, it's doubly hurtful and I feel for you. Agree with everyone who suggests leaving the group. I often wonder at the pressures that obligates people into feeling that they have to be in a group. Or at least mute it.

OP, you don’t need to be on this group and don’t need to feel bad for feeling this way.

If you were super close to your brother and spoke often, I’d suggest being honest.

But as it is, I’d just message ‘I’m cutting down on social media use and WhatsApp groups so leaving ‘the twins’ group (or whatever it’s called) but lovely to see they’re doing well and look forward to speaking soon’

Done.

That’s fine. You are allowed to do that, and should do that for your mental wellbeing.

This is so tough OP and very insensitive and thoughtless of your brother.
Surely he knows you are struggling?
Mute/archive the chat, don't open any photos, don't post comments or reactions.
I hope things improve for you one day.

You do know everyone else is probably feeling the same about your SIL.
She is obviously having her own problems as she is addicted to posting for the praise .
No one posts that much each day if they are normal, the effort just to dress the children, grab a camera , post it, and reply...
Why don't you try reaching out in a message to her behind the scenes.

I’m only human and on the tough days this is one more bruise to the soul that I am struggling to cope with

@Dragonsandelves Do not say this under any circumstances. If op is feeling the pressure of the group chat then she needs to mute it and go in occasionally and compliment the pics she wants to, she's not obliged to anything other then this. If she wants to talk to her brother it's better she just talks about how she feels about her own life and not make it about a comparison to theirs. she should talk to them about her.. not make it about how she feels about them. They haven't done anything wrong but that doesn't mean op isn't valid in how she feels but her own struggles need to be addressed not the group chat.

Does your brother know how difficult your life is? Can you set up another group with just you and him, where you can share your life as well as him sharing his life (not just the twins). If he knew how much you were struggling would he help?

Put the group into “archive” and look at it occasionally when you have the stomach for it.

I really feel for you. Your life and your brother’s sound poles apart and his insta version is just adding extra gloss. It’s not just jealous of the material things (which is understandable) I think it is sadness at the large extended family on SIL’s side.
I wouldn’t even call that part jealousy. Maybe have a chat with your brother and focus on that part and say something like the large extended family is highlighting the lack of family on your side and making yon feel quite alone. Surely if he only has you on his side he will understand this part.
You don’t sound like a kid throwing her toys out at all. But I do feel you should say something sooner rather than later,
incase it all bubbles up and you say something you later regret. Good luck.

You do know everyone else is probably feeling the same about your SIL

Exactly. I love my cousins but seeing constant pictures every single day of their kids would have me eye rolling and sighing. I just dont need to see that on a daily basis, its just too much.

I guarantee you arent the only one who is fed up of this, OP.

Please talk to your brother. You said he is a good bloke so explain what you have said here. Not only might he find a way to 'excuse' you from the WhatsApp group, he will be more aware of how your situation is impacting you and may become more present and supportive in general - even from a distance that can be a huge boost. A call a couple of times a week to GENUINELY ask how you are and let you chat about the reality of your life to someone who loves you.

Archive it, then you won’t keep seeing that there are posts (muting isn’t enough if you don’t want to see anything).

I have a disabled child and my sister in law is similar to yours with a family WhatsApp full of pics of her perfect family. They also live abroad. I just left because it was upsetting me too much.

As others have suggested, if you mute and archive the chat you are still officially ‘in’ the group but only have to read the messages of you go into the archive and look at them. It’s not so ‘in your face’. Good luck OP, I can relate and wish you the very best.

I totally get it OP. Maddening.

re the WhatsApp group - I think I would lock it, not just mute and archive, then make a date with myself each week to open it, write a brief adoring message then lock again.

more importantly, you say your DC have just you, but they also have your DB and his wife, their uncle and aunt. Do you share your thoughts and struggles with them? Perhaps they can be more more of a (moral, rather than practical) support?