Am I Pathetically jealous or justifiably miffed?

[Dragonsandelves]

I am a single mum to 3 kids, 2 with additional needs. Love them to bits as goes without saying, but due to their high needs there are no instagram worthy pics of days out / first days at school/ perfect smiley family etc. we take each day as it comes, roll with the neurodiverse meltdowns (intense) and as long as my kids are fed and alive and loved by the end of the day and I’ve brushed my teeth once it’s a win. You get the picture.
my brother has twins of 8 months with a gorgeous (inside and out) wife and they live overseas, we aren’t very close but no bad relations, we just live in different worlds (they have Nannies, housekeepers, multiple houses across the world, and post lots on social media). Am i happy for him? Yes. Am I jealous? Yes. Do I feel an idiot for feeling jealous? Yes, but it is what it is.

my issue: when the twins were born his wife set up a what’s app group for her extensive family (think parents, stepparents, siblings, cousins) who all live in different countries to keep them up to date with cute pics/ videos/ updates of the twins. Lovely idea. My brother then kindly added me without asking me, fair enough, it’s a nice thought. But omg every day around 24 messages come in from each family member
commenting on the twins outfit that day, their smile, what activity they are doing and while it’s great they have this large extended family who adore them, it’s slowly eating me up, I have no family other than my Brother, no one to send 5
messages applauding my kids smiling (not that they often do and never on demand) but somehow it’s making it painfully obvious that my kids have…me and that’s it, The jealously is creeping in and every message makes me feel angry and it’s such a rotten feeling, I don’t feel I can exit the group without looking rude, I’ve muted it so I don’t get pinged all day with 9 X “wow! Is that a half blueberry F is trying? WELL DONE!” But I have to catch up at the end of a few days and add my
own “well done!” Or I am the only one not doing it and it looks rude ☹️

i think I’m especially on edge this week as i got hit with a wicked electricity bill and parking ticket on the same day that on the chat are offers to buy them the next step up double buggy for £2500 and talk of a weekend at Xmas in a chalet for them (I could go but would need to pay my way and that could never happen financially or with my kids coping in a ski chalet). So it feels like it’s rubbing it in my face that they have an army of family behind them to adore them and financially support them and my kids … don’t, And I know that’s just life but somehow this active group entirely dedicated to the twins makes me feel really envious.

i need to know if I’m being reasonable in which case what the hell do I do as I don’t want to cause offence, and if I’m not do I simply have to try and suck it up?

You sound very self aware and I can understand how you feel.

I think I would text DB and tell him you are taking a detox from Social Media, but will catch up with him regularly by text/phone/email.

Ah OP, I think everyone would feel the same in your shoes. Sorry, I've only read your own replies, but do you think you could create a group with you, your BIL and SIL and ask them to update you through that? They'd probably send less as SIL will be getting the validation through her extended family. It may also open the door to you sharing a bit about your life back, which wouldn't be a bad thing.

Remember, you're doing something very very difficult. You should be so proud of yourself.

Yeah agree, this sort of approach will just add more complexity to OP’s life which is unnecessary. It could make DB and SIL feel uncertain about how to interact with the OP and create distance (when it sounds like OP would enjoy closer ties and more support).

Personally, I would also not want them to get a sense that I was comparing myself unfavourably to them as it would just make me feel worse. I think there are ways of being vulnerable and letting them in that avoid this. Agree with the above – you can share about your own life without it being about a comparison with theirs.

Just mute the group. But I fear you would struggle to not look anyway. After a while this kind of thing starts creeping into compulsive behaviour to no fault of your own

Hello lovely OP,
Sending you a hug 🤗as you sound like you deserve it!
Relate to what you're saying, frigging WhatsApp need to find a way for us to make subtle exits from these groups!
I ended up just leaving with no explanation - I literally couldn't take another ping of an award photo, singing competition triumph (with audio), football glory, starring role on town carnival float, running competition win etc.
Was completely doing my nut in and reminding me that me and my brood are average, boring plodders. I'm not bothered by that fact, I love the simple stuff in life and don't take it for granted, but the constant boasting and oversharing of every triumphant fart was pulling my vinegar string!
Then there's the expectation that you say something in return & acknowledge the wondrous achievement! Let's just say I used the 👏emoji a lot!
I probably should have just archived it but haven't had any comeback as the audience was fairly large so I could leave unnoticed 😬
I think you're so kind the way you don't want to cause offence to anyone, but I do think you need to put yourself first here and look after your happiness levels.
Being bombarded with endless updates of someone's seemingly perfect life is hard to deal with, especially when life has given you a tough path to walk.
You sound like a wonderful Mum/sister btw 😁🤗

I would message brother to say you're going through a really tough spell so you're leaving all social media, you might rejoin again in the future. That way it's not personal.

Mute

I'd be honest with your brother. Say that you need to take a break from the group because its throwing your own life into such dark relief. Acknowledge its a "you" thing....not of course your fault but that they have done nothing wrong. I get it, I really do......I am childless by circumstance, menopause is a while ago now, DH and I had decided not to go the IVF route, it was a lot nastier, harder to access and less successful then and we had a happy life. When i reached menopause and not yet became not ever, I had a lot of young mum colleagues and I just had to avoid the visits and the chat. My situation was nowhere near as hard as yours but it just felt awful.

That sounds so boring. I'd definitely be leaving the WhatsApp chat and be honest with your brother about your struggles.
Do you have many close friends? What do they think?

You’re not unreasonable , it’s understandable that you’d feel this way .
Sounds like they’re lovely but absolutely live in a bubble 🫧.
My youngest is ND and it’s tough

OP you only have one life, you need to put yourself first. Those people may be curious about if they notice you leaving the group but they won’t care for long as they barely know you. Your presence in the group is small to them, but huge to you. Just leave.

At the same time, it’s a shame you’re not in touch more with your brother considering you get on well with him. I’m sure he would be happy to reconnect. A phone call each week or month would be a lovely thing to instigate and you’d actually be connecting with each other rather than coexisting on a performative WhatsApp group. I’m sure they are all bored of all the validating messages they have to send but they’re all stuck in that trap now.

How lovely 🥰 I wish my parents would have had my child for even a couple of days each school holiday .
They had her maybe x2 in her entire life and she’s an adult now

I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time. I can't imagine you're the only one on the group who is a bit over the twin spam. They're just making the right noises in reaction to the pictures.
Most people find other people's children a bit boring.
If it were me, I'd archive the group, check it once per week and do a skim read of the messages/pictures and make an appropriate comment. If your brother mentions the lack of interaction on the group, you can just point out life is busy!!

You're not jealous, you're envious and that's completely understandable.

Leave the group chat and say nothing. Or if you don't want to risk people asking you why you've left then set it to mute and just try not to ever look at it. If ever asked just explain (truthfully) that you don't get much time for texting/social media since the kids are very high need and you're on your own.

Keep on doing your best. Try not to compare yourself to anyone else.

If you are able to, I would have a real heart to heart with your brother, so he understands what your life is like. Also about your PTSD diagnosis.
You are not rejecting your nieces at all, but you do not need to be so involved every day.
Your emotions are totally understandable. My heart really goes out to you.
My brother married young and had children, but I was struggling with poor relationships, jobs and housing. He just didn't get it either with how tough life was for me. I had to ask him not to send me lots of photos of his children - who I adore but didn't want shoved down my throat!

Can you mute and archive the chat? So you won’t see it then at all I don’t think. I’m rude as fuck though and I’d leave it without a second thought. My neighbours added me to a group chat and I left it immediately

Leave the group, OP.

If your brother or SIl say anything to you about it, tell them you love them, miss them, but they genuinely don't understand your life and how hard it is to be on their WhatsApp day in and day out, and send them to a link to this thread. Tell them you posted it because you do love them and you didn't want to hurt them but need them to understand your life is very different and you are struggling.

Her brother added her as his only family member. How is anyone else not perfectly nice being excited about their new relatives?? It's very likely only her brother knows her situation.

That said, I would 100% explain it to may brother and leave the group, OP. My sister has a group like this and the updates are endless. It's the new baby effect, and whilst for me it's lovely, I absolutely understand why it isn't for you.

I would message your brother and tell him exactly how you feel.
Anyone would understand and I’m sure he will.
Explain you are really happy for him but it’s making you feel inadequate/upset.

I thought this as well! How can you get out once you’re in the cycle of daily good mornings, good nights, ooh did she, ahh look at that. It’s nice sometimes but this extent of interaction and acknowledgement (without any reciprocation – I guess you’d have to start your own themed group for that) sounds more like a second job! And once you’re locked in, how do you get off the treadmill without questions/offending!?

Keep the app muted.
I think they will be oblivous to how it affects you.
Do you have friends and your support network around your children to increase your 'family' if they are more like support in your life, these are the people you can be yourself with.
$2000+ on baby prams, why!
I would take photos for your own memories and your children, smiling or not that is who you all are.

I think that would be jarring at the best of times. Could you say to your brother and SiL you are struggling at present, lots going on, and you are coming off the group. You just need some time. I went through a phase of leaving many groups as it was affecting me and my real friends understood. think they will understand. Sounds like you are doing a great job. Chin up!!

It's such a shame your phone reset itself and you have to set up WhatsApp again and oh darn the group isn't there anymore 😉

You are justified in feeling jealous or envious but it's their life and their kids so they can do what they want. It sounds tough for you with all the stuff you have going on but that shouldn't mean they have to adjust how they live to accommodate you and vice-versa. Best thing you can do is stay on the group and just don't look at the messages. If you get a chance to speak to your brother about how you're feeling, then do that. You never know, he might come up with an offer to help you in some way.

Tell your brother you want to be involved but not this way. Ask him to send a couple of pics a fortnight and a short update if he wants to (and if you want that) because the all day every day stuff is too hard for you with all you have on your plate. He can explain it to his wife and the rest of the family can just carry on.