Am I Pathetically jealous or justifiably miffed?

[Dragonsandelves]

I am a single mum to 3 kids, 2 with additional needs. Love them to bits as goes without saying, but due to their high needs there are no instagram worthy pics of days out / first days at school/ perfect smiley family etc. we take each day as it comes, roll with the neurodiverse meltdowns (intense) and as long as my kids are fed and alive and loved by the end of the day and I’ve brushed my teeth once it’s a win. You get the picture.
my brother has twins of 8 months with a gorgeous (inside and out) wife and they live overseas, we aren’t very close but no bad relations, we just live in different worlds (they have Nannies, housekeepers, multiple houses across the world, and post lots on social media). Am i happy for him? Yes. Am I jealous? Yes. Do I feel an idiot for feeling jealous? Yes, but it is what it is.

my issue: when the twins were born his wife set up a what’s app group for her extensive family (think parents, stepparents, siblings, cousins) who all live in different countries to keep them up to date with cute pics/ videos/ updates of the twins. Lovely idea. My brother then kindly added me without asking me, fair enough, it’s a nice thought. But omg every day around 24 messages come in from each family member
commenting on the twins outfit that day, their smile, what activity they are doing and while it’s great they have this large extended family who adore them, it’s slowly eating me up, I have no family other than my Brother, no one to send 5
messages applauding my kids smiling (not that they often do and never on demand) but somehow it’s making it painfully obvious that my kids have…me and that’s it, The jealously is creeping in and every message makes me feel angry and it’s such a rotten feeling, I don’t feel I can exit the group without looking rude, I’ve muted it so I don’t get pinged all day with 9 X “wow! Is that a half blueberry F is trying? WELL DONE!” But I have to catch up at the end of a few days and add my
own “well done!” Or I am the only one not doing it and it looks rude ☹️

i think I’m especially on edge this week as i got hit with a wicked electricity bill and parking ticket on the same day that on the chat are offers to buy them the next step up double buggy for £2500 and talk of a weekend at Xmas in a chalet for them (I could go but would need to pay my way and that could never happen financially or with my kids coping in a ski chalet). So it feels like it’s rubbing it in my face that they have an army of family behind them to adore them and financially support them and my kids … don’t, And I know that’s just life but somehow this active group entirely dedicated to the twins makes me feel really envious.

i need to know if I’m being reasonable in which case what the hell do I do as I don’t want to cause offence, and if I’m not do I simply have to try and suck it up?

you could say there was spam or something and leave
or it takes up too much room on your phone? uses up too much memory?

Mute the group and don't engage. It sounds insanely over the top.

I think I’d stop adding your own messages, gradually, so it isn’t glaringly obvious. If/when your brother asks anything, all you need to say is that you’re crazy busy with 3 kids on your own. No need for drama, but archive the group permanently, I can’t stand these performance parents who have Instas for their dc/post every minor event.

My cousin asked why I don’t follow her on Insta and I told her I’m on social media more than I should be anyway and a student was starting to follow me so I just came off it. I’d be bombarded otherwise, she takes hundreds of pictures when they’re out anywhere.

I’m kind of similar OP. I don’t have children, weve been trying for over a year and all we have to show for it was one miscarriage a month ago. Three babies have been born in the time we’ve been trying. Our family WhatsApp group is full of them, I love them so much but I have to mute it and only look when I’m feeling strong enough.

Archive the chat OP, and never look on there

Do you have a friend who could go on your watts app once a week or so and reply for you ?

I would expect the family members who post good morning etc etc throughout the day don't want to do it either , but once you start how to you stop 😕

I find the continually "oh they are amazing , they are a berry" a hit odd tbh, no one, literally no one is as interested in your child as you think.

I bet if there was a way to "flounce" without repercussions others on the chat would take it.

Do they have daylight saving where they are ? imagine some poor relatives thinking best set the alarm early the twins will be up as soon as it's light , have to get my "good morning " in 🥱

Btw you sound fab and I totally, totally get where you are coming from . I left a meal early once (no rudely) when it was the first meet up since my exh walked out and I was the only one out of a group of 15 not with a partner. I'm happy they are in relationships but it was just to much "in my face" for me at that point.

Archive it and look occasionally if you can bear to

You are absolutely not being unreasonable

How often do they ask after you?

You can permanently mute the chat.

Mmmmmm love the user name

Why not start by chatting more with just your brother, on WhatsApp? You could send him pics of your kids there - where they don't have to compete with the Instagram-life twins. He will gradually see what your life is like. Once you have established a nice habit there, you can just mute the group chat and he won't care. Maybe even at some point you might explain how the other made you feel - but you don't need to.

OP, you sound lovely <3

I could just about be the sister in law in this situation.

When our PFB came along, we set up a WhatsApp group to keep family overseas updated with their activities. This was quite a deliberate choice because WhatsApps can be muted/archived/left. To repeat: we wanted an ignore-able way of communicating because other peoples babies are... kind of dull.

If you were my sibling, I would prefer you didn't leave the group, but muting/archiving/just not looking would be 100% AOK.

My brother never comments on the group, and my sister only pops in and out occasionally. That's genuinely fine!

I 100% agree with the advice to set up a new group with just your brother and SIL or just message your brother.

DH, and his family are being nice and inclusive, the kids are all cousins. Treating you like family would / should.

Be pleased, would be awful if deliberately excluded you.

Maybe turn OFF notifications?

I think the way you've written about this all shows incredible maturity, self awareness, and a really thoughtful person. I bet you are lovely op, and a super mum, and I'm sorry you're having a tough time right now.

It's great that you can see that your brother hasn't done this to me hurtful or malicious in anyway, and that you acknowledge your love for him and his family. I think if you quietly left the group, and messaged him directly to explain what you have explained to us here, I'm pretty sure he would understand. In his lovely family bubble he likely doesn't realise how much you are struggling, and this may prompt him to be there for you more, not practically but perhaps emotionally.

I hope things get a little easier for you soon

You're not alone, OP.

My kids don't have an extended family, and I am hugely jealous of those who do.

Many are in your situation, OP, if that is any consolation.

I also couldn't be part of a WhatsApp group like that. So you're in there so you, as their aunty, can be kept up to date with their progress?

Does your brother or his wife ask after your kids?

Don't cut them out, but lay it out for your brother how this makes you feel.

"Brother, I've had to leave that WhatsApp group. Love the twins, but I have 3 kids, 2 with special needs, I am on my own with them, have no support network, and nobody to ask after them, nobody to send pictures of. I can't have my phone pinging constantly with messages from wives family gushing over the twins.
Love you all and hope you understand why it's not appropriate for me to be in the group. We can just WhatsApp privately"

Oh Jesus, they post in a different language?

Bloody hell mate, leave.

There is no need for you to be in that group.

Your life is not easy OP. Your brother's situation is less difficult, more secure and pleasant than your own. His children have advantages, health, financial, social that yours don't. Of course that hurts you, as who doesn't want the very best circumstances for themselves and their children? Acknowledge your feelings as normal, nothing to be ashamed of, and then decide how to best manage them. That may be muting the group if it triggers you. It may be working towards letting go of what you don't have and making the absolute best of what you do. Your children have their own achievements, bring their own joy and you should try hard not to look over their shoulders past that at what other children are doing, or you'll miss the amazing things in front of you.

I am in my family group that I NEVER open! NEVER!!! There was 1 "drama" and that was 3 years ago! Life is too short! Besides, I have lived long enough to NEVER envy anyone!

I'm so sorry, OP, that's shit.
I think I'd mute the chat or leave the group for my own mental health and happiness. If anyone notices you can explain if you want to.
Comparison is indeed the thief of joy.

You really need to leave the group @Dragonsandelves and there is no need to even agonise over doing so. You don’t need to explain and if your brother asks just say that you find the group overwhelming and leave it at that.

Yes, ask for involvement in a different way.

Cringe! I feel a bit sad for them in a way, though as there is absolutely no replacement for having real family nearby. It’s nice to receive so much positive feedback but must feel extremely empty.

Massive hugs, OP. I don't have all the challenges you have and I'm not sure I'd like to be seeing that sort of life paraded in front of me all day every day either! So I don't think you are being in any way unreasonable.

I'd just mute and archive the group and open it once a week and do a nice generic comment on the most recent pic ("Wow! Great work x and y. Growing up fast! xxx" etc). If you have a conversation with your brother at some point you could drop in that life is pretty hectic right now and sorry if you take a while to respond to messages etc. It sounds like it's a fairly big and fast paced group and I honestly don't think anyone will think anything of you not commenting daily.

Can you imagine if you started a group where you updated them every day on your parking ticket and electricity bill and the latest meltdowns? Then they'd have some sense of how life is for you and how this is making you feel. It's not about hurting them or not being a good aunt, it's about your life being different and you have to do whatever it takes to cope. I think if you explained that in warm non-accusatory terms, that you love them and the twins and will keep in touch in your own way, but you're coming off the group as it's tough for you. If you don't want to get into why, you can just say it's part of a phone hygiene thing, it's all getting on top of you so you'll just contact them direct instead. It's really only a very recent thing that tech has opened the floodgates for this 24/7 overload and you don't have to take it on when it's detracting from your life.

If this was me I'd probably feel exactly as you do. One of my brothers is always posting the most amazing Instagram pics and stories. Fortunately I know their life isn't all like that, and mine isn't half bad either. But you are totally justified in your thoughts.

I'd like to think I would send something like:

Hi brother, I adore the photos and updates of twins and I hope you're not offended that I'm going to have to remove myself from the WhatsApp group for a while. It's not a reflection on you, your life looks totally amazing and it is making me reflect on how I feel about my own life and situation with my own children's needs and how my life is so different from yours. I hope you understand and no one is offended by my hopefully temporary departure while I work through my own feelings'.

In reality I probably would just mute the chat and stew on it every so often 😆

Your brother and family probably have their own private struggles - they wont be the same as yours, but will feel big to them. Or they will eventually. Maybe this is an opportunity to set up a separate WhatsApp group with just your brother/wife/yourself where you can all share updates and chat without all the gushing about the twins. It would definitely get to me too.

Hi op whereabouts are you ? Do you live in the north east if you are near me can recommend some lovely support groups for you and your children.