Am I Pathetically jealous or justifiably miffed?

[Dragonsandelves]

I am a single mum to 3 kids, 2 with additional needs. Love them to bits as goes without saying, but due to their high needs there are no instagram worthy pics of days out / first days at school/ perfect smiley family etc. we take each day as it comes, roll with the neurodiverse meltdowns (intense) and as long as my kids are fed and alive and loved by the end of the day and I’ve brushed my teeth once it’s a win. You get the picture.
my brother has twins of 8 months with a gorgeous (inside and out) wife and they live overseas, we aren’t very close but no bad relations, we just live in different worlds (they have Nannies, housekeepers, multiple houses across the world, and post lots on social media). Am i happy for him? Yes. Am I jealous? Yes. Do I feel an idiot for feeling jealous? Yes, but it is what it is.

my issue: when the twins were born his wife set up a what’s app group for her extensive family (think parents, stepparents, siblings, cousins) who all live in different countries to keep them up to date with cute pics/ videos/ updates of the twins. Lovely idea. My brother then kindly added me without asking me, fair enough, it’s a nice thought. But omg every day around 24 messages come in from each family member
commenting on the twins outfit that day, their smile, what activity they are doing and while it’s great they have this large extended family who adore them, it’s slowly eating me up, I have no family other than my Brother, no one to send 5
messages applauding my kids smiling (not that they often do and never on demand) but somehow it’s making it painfully obvious that my kids have…me and that’s it, The jealously is creeping in and every message makes me feel angry and it’s such a rotten feeling, I don’t feel I can exit the group without looking rude, I’ve muted it so I don’t get pinged all day with 9 X “wow! Is that a half blueberry F is trying? WELL DONE!” But I have to catch up at the end of a few days and add my
own “well done!” Or I am the only one not doing it and it looks rude ☹️

i think I’m especially on edge this week as i got hit with a wicked electricity bill and parking ticket on the same day that on the chat are offers to buy them the next step up double buggy for £2500 and talk of a weekend at Xmas in a chalet for them (I could go but would need to pay my way and that could never happen financially or with my kids coping in a ski chalet). So it feels like it’s rubbing it in my face that they have an army of family behind them to adore them and financially support them and my kids … don’t, And I know that’s just life but somehow this active group entirely dedicated to the twins makes me feel really envious.

i need to know if I’m being reasonable in which case what the hell do I do as I don’t want to cause offence, and if I’m not do I simply have to try and suck it up?

Your life isn’t easy at the moment so it must be difficult hearing about perfect lives. But situations change, everyone has good and bad times during a lifetime and no one’s life is completely perfect. Except on social media when all the problems are left out.Try to be happy for them whilst they are apparently happy, they will have sad and difficult times in their lives too.

That's unfair. They are fully entitled to set up a page for their twins (I wouldn't but we are all different)

They added her out of politeness. They aren't 'doing' anything to her

Just mute it, I wouldn't be arsed with looking at multiple photos every day either.
I never post or comment on SM anymore I just find it all so fake

This, but from some of the posters gere, you'd think the twins' parents are sitting conspiring with each other 'right before our next post....remember the whole point of this whatsapp is to upset @Dragonsandelves, that's our focus!' 🙄

OK how about this You leave the group and tell your brother that you don't know most of his wife's family and all these distant relatives. So, you think it would be best just to share pictures if you need to amongst yourselves and then don't.

I'm guessing you don't actually know most of these people so just say to your brother You don't think it's appropriate? It's clearly for his wife's family and you dont know them. And you'll just share pictures with him as and when as you normally do.

I am puzzled by anyone who is not a celebrity, over the age of, say, 20 or 25 who has Instagram or FB. (Unless it is for work, to sell goods or services) Why would people assume anyone is interested? Surely they are old enough to realise that nobody, absolutely nobody is interested in their lives. It is so embarrassing to push content at other people. There are great helpful sites like MN - to advice, bring back to earth, to confirm, etc. But pushing personal content at people? Where do the people get the time for that? Steal it from their family? Is it not like voyeurism? Just ignore those weird adults with personal pages.

You aren't being unreasonable - I feel the same for my own reasons - but you know what they say about comparison being the thief of joy

We don't all get dealt the same hand in life - some people seem to sail through with the best of every fucking thing and don't even realise how ridiculously lucky they are. Part of me hates these fucking people

I've got a progressive illness. It is slowly killing me, decades before I should. I have older friends who look much younger than me. I know people 30 years older than me that can do more physically than i can . Everything is a struggle and im exhausted.

I will leave my husband behind and i have FOMO

Yes I do feel pissed off. I don't know what the point of my post is other than to say OP i empathise and if you want to feel pissed off, allow yourself to xx

Simply mute the group so it isn't in your face. You do not need to interact with the group. Keep simple messages going between you and your brother and SIL and no offense is taken. Then don't give it any more head space.

That’s a fairly extreme view. I (mix-thirties professional, if it’s relevant) know very few people who don’t have some sort of social media.

OP, I understand what you're saying about your brother's good intentions, but he must know what your life is like, he must know you are struggling financially and about your DC having additional needs? Cant he himself see its a bit tone deaf, all these posts?

Does he ever help you financially? I mean, he doesn't have to, for sure, but has he ever offered?

Not to mention this isn't social media, it's a WhatsApp group for family to see pictures of babies who live in a different country to them.

As others have said, the DB and SIL aren't doing anything wrong, it's a very normal thing for family to do when they're not physically close. Just understandably difficult for OP to be a part of.

Does it ever occur to you that some people have a circle of long distance friends or acquaintances they might want to keep in touch with - not full on contact, but generally being aware of what's going on in their lives? FB is perfect for that. I personally have a lot of people I only keep in touch with on FB - mainly because they live in different courtiers - and its fine, I still consider them friends - just not very close ones.

Regardless all of the above, OP is in Whatsapp group, with only her/ her brother's family, which is a different thing to FB and Instagram.

Can you mute it so you don't get reminded about the notifications then look at your leisure?

If you're not using social media, why does this matter (strongly it seems!) to you?!

🩷

This would make me really uncomfortable. I would have left the group, not because it was upsetting me but because I wouldn’t want to be in a group chat with a load of people I don’t know, especially with an expectation of commenting (but maybe I’m just weird and this is a perfectly normal thing to do 😆) Anyway I wouldn’t be so concerned about hurting their feelings. Leave the group, your not that close anyways, if your brother asks just explain to them that your struggling with your own life and seeing all the happy smiley pictures and all the comments from extended family is causing you to feel down as your life is very different. I am sure, if they are reasonable people, they will understand how you feel.

You shouldn't feel guilty for offending them. Why is it ok for you to feel bad and offended but not for them to? I think there is a serious lack of social awareness here from your brother. How he cannot even consider this might not be ok for you? It sounds like these people, as lovely as they may be, are quite self obsessed. If they weren't, they wouldn't post all these things and send countless messages looking for validation from family members. It's sounds quite competitive and like they are obsessed with proving to others how perfect their life is. I think just tell him outright. He needs a reality check and perhaps might learn to think of others and their life before he shoves his down the throat of others.

YANBU. Definitely mute and archive the chat or at least turn off notifications.
I managed to avoid using social media for years and years only to end up held captive on WhatsApp. A little while ago I decided I was done with it and told people as much.

Hold on. The whole chat is specifically about the kids. I wouldn't do it but it's not for me or you or anyone to say it's wrong .

The soap should just leave the group.

@Hucklemuckle yes - but it's also about expensive buggys and weekends in chalets. I have twins too but I never created a group exclusively about my twins. I would just add pics every now and then to our group which is just immediate family who are also abroad - I think rather odd to include friends, relatives and god knows who else to a group specifically about your kids. Just sounds self indulgent. I bet half the people in that group feel the same as OP.

I totally understand. I know its not the same but my partner has a WhatsApp group with his parents, sister and brother in law....we share some updates on the kids mostly. Sadly my dad passed away a few months ago and my own family's WhatsApp group is just so quiet and the loss feels so intense. I'm an only child. I had to mute my inlaws group as the contrast seemed to magnify my pain...I feel a bit self centred a little for saying that but I can't help how I feel. Every now and then I look at the messages and will comment. It's painful though

Leave the group. I am part of different groups like a lot of us here but I am very choosy which group I am part of. If is going to be detrimental for me, get many pings or gets too much , I am off. You can also set your profile so people don't randomly add you to a group. So, I was part of an an extended family WhatsApp up group, think cousins, cousins children, aunties, uncles etc. On paper it sounds like a lovely idea but every time someone had a birthday, there were congratulations all way round, if someone went on holiday or weekend away another round of msgs,pics etc if someone went out for a meal, there were hundreds of mgs backs and forwards, if someone went shopping, more pics were posted, if someone's neighbours dog had died more msgs, if someone coughed , farted, didn't know what to do for dinner more msgs, people posted jokes , crappy poetry, memes etc also when someone bought a car, a house, new school or job started, retirement parties. Some people are very prolific when it comes to pics and msgs , have a lot of time and love sharing info. I am not that way and I am also a bit private. In the end, I couldn't be bothered with all the niceties. I came out and honestly the best thing I did. Noone has bat an eyelid. I see these people once a year if I do. My mental health is more important.

gosh it’s hard isn’t it ?
you can love them but feel jealousy, 100% understandable.
have you got support around, have your SEN little ones got clubs etc Have you got any parent WhatsApp groups or meet ups for support. Seek out like minded parents.
be proud of yourself for all the love and work you do to be there for your children.

Why not just mute it for awhile and look at it once a week to make a comment?

I understand where you are coming from but this may be an opportunity for you to actually develop closer relationships with your brother and his family. You may think it’s unlikely that staying on the WhatsApp group will lead to closer relations but you never know and, at the least, it maintains a line of contact between you and them. If you leave it, there’s more chance that it will distance you/your kids even further.

I’m saying this from a position of hindsight where I let family relationships in different geographies drift and 10 years later, my children are very much interested in their cousins and aunts/uncles and we don’t have much relationship to build on.