Am I Pathetically jealous or justifiably miffed?

[Dragonsandelves]

I am a single mum to 3 kids, 2 with additional needs. Love them to bits as goes without saying, but due to their high needs there are no instagram worthy pics of days out / first days at school/ perfect smiley family etc. we take each day as it comes, roll with the neurodiverse meltdowns (intense) and as long as my kids are fed and alive and loved by the end of the day and I’ve brushed my teeth once it’s a win. You get the picture.
my brother has twins of 8 months with a gorgeous (inside and out) wife and they live overseas, we aren’t very close but no bad relations, we just live in different worlds (they have Nannies, housekeepers, multiple houses across the world, and post lots on social media). Am i happy for him? Yes. Am I jealous? Yes. Do I feel an idiot for feeling jealous? Yes, but it is what it is.

my issue: when the twins were born his wife set up a what’s app group for her extensive family (think parents, stepparents, siblings, cousins) who all live in different countries to keep them up to date with cute pics/ videos/ updates of the twins. Lovely idea. My brother then kindly added me without asking me, fair enough, it’s a nice thought. But omg every day around 24 messages come in from each family member
commenting on the twins outfit that day, their smile, what activity they are doing and while it’s great they have this large extended family who adore them, it’s slowly eating me up, I have no family other than my Brother, no one to send 5
messages applauding my kids smiling (not that they often do and never on demand) but somehow it’s making it painfully obvious that my kids have…me and that’s it, The jealously is creeping in and every message makes me feel angry and it’s such a rotten feeling, I don’t feel I can exit the group without looking rude, I’ve muted it so I don’t get pinged all day with 9 X “wow! Is that a half blueberry F is trying? WELL DONE!” But I have to catch up at the end of a few days and add my
own “well done!” Or I am the only one not doing it and it looks rude ☹️

i think I’m especially on edge this week as i got hit with a wicked electricity bill and parking ticket on the same day that on the chat are offers to buy them the next step up double buggy for £2500 and talk of a weekend at Xmas in a chalet for them (I could go but would need to pay my way and that could never happen financially or with my kids coping in a ski chalet). So it feels like it’s rubbing it in my face that they have an army of family behind them to adore them and financially support them and my kids … don’t, And I know that’s just life but somehow this active group entirely dedicated to the twins makes me feel really envious.

i need to know if I’m being reasonable in which case what the hell do I do as I don’t want to cause offence, and if I’m not do I simply have to try and suck it up?

To bé fair I dont think my brother’s wife’s family know very much about me at all. I also don’t think they would have the faintest idea what a learning disability looks in practice or what not being able to pay bills feels like (they are extremely wealthy through generations of inherited wealth) and I think they live in a bubble they think everyone else does too. Not trying to be snide, it’s a genuine observation.

I can guarantee you OP that you are not alone in thinking do I really have to get an update every day on their fabulous lives? Do I really have to say "oh wonderful a spoon of peas" and react to every photo.

You have a better reason than most but I can guarantee you you aren't alone in wishing this would stop.

This is the 21st century equivalent of inviting people over to look at your holiday pictures. Or telling someone about your dreams. awfully boring for everyone except the one posting.

My brother is lovely but I think just is so wrapped up in his own family now, we don’t speak much, but it’s always nice when we do, he knows life isn’t easy for me but I think because he’s abroad and doesn’t see it on a daily basis or even weekly it’s probably hard for him to imagine how gruelling most days are.

Oh no op, there’s been some form of a mess up with your WhatsApp and now you can’t be in the group anymore. It just keeps removing you. It’s so weird it’s no other group😅😉 Well done on being amazing, I love your idea of a win, it’s a very true one x

Just leave. If you really need an excuse tell them you’re doing an online course in something very complicated and you need to focus .

😂
sometimes I do hate what’s app for failing to come up with a way to exit a group without it being a virtual equivalent of flouncing out a room shouting “I’m fed up with you allllllllllllll” (slams door)

I would struggle massively with this, as I’m in a not too dissimilar situation. I’m from a family where round robins are a regular treat at Christmas detailing the extended family’s successes. Our round robin would be that ND DC managed to get through a day without screaming or brush their teeth without being asked (BIG achievements here).
If you feel able, could you suggest to your brother that the WhatsApp group is a little overwhelming right now and possibly set up something with just you and him (and his wife). You could say that you love seeing the twins but can’t take it all in as you’ve got your hands full with your own three.

You could also send him pics of your children (pulling silly or grumpy faces for their uncle and aunt). It would feel more personal and less in your face x

Ah you guys are actually making me smile. Believe me after today that is hard to do 💞

sometimes I do hate what’s app for failing to come up with a way to exit a group without it being a virtual equivalent of flouncing out a room shouting “I’m fed up with you allllllllllllll” (slams door)

I left a gp once kind of accidentally on purpose (now I realise I was having a hard time and being paranoid) and everyone message me saying ‘stayathomer were you trying to sneak out with laughy faces’ so I slunk back in but very glad I did!! (but yes extremely obvious 😅😅😅)

I had a tear in my eye reading this.
You are amazing OP. Its understandable you feel that way...id be the same. Id love you to Whatsapp me your day ... Whether thats a crappy day...or not.. because we all need someone that gets it. My GS has many diagnosis...adhd...DA...etc. i have him stay over few times week...and im exhausted just doing few days n nights...so hats off to you and i could sing your praises all day ♥️

You gave me a tear in my eye right back with your kind message 💞what a wonderful GP you are to look after your GS a few nights in the week. your family are lucky to have you, your kindness shines through your words ☀️

OP people who need to make their lives happy and shiny to those outside often aren’t going all that well themselves and are trying to convince themselves everything is fine. There could be more going on than you realise and parenting might be a whole lot harder for them than they realised (if things have been easy for them career wise and financially they may have gotten a rude shock).

I’m not saying it’s justified, but all you can do is be honest and authentic and try to keep the doors open for ongoing relationship.

You could just tell your brother you’re having a hard time health wise and finances wise at the moment and while you love them all very much, you need to focus on keeping your head above water. It gives him an opportunity to ask more or if he is really that disconnected he can say no worries, take care, talk to you at Xmas …

“Comparison is the thief of joy…”

I would mute or remove yourself from the group as clearly it is upsetting to you.

This is what is ruining youngster who follow others on instagram and who are left feeling deficient for not having perfect glamorous picture perfect lives.

@Dragonsandelves leave the group and a really strange time then maybe people won't really notice as other messages come through

When asked say you are changing phones updating kicked out of everything xx

The way you feel is normal.
Just archive the group, read and reply when you can.
It was thoughtful of your brother not to leave you out x

Remember everyone is different and you don't need a huge group or troupe to be Happy.
A few good friends and your brother, that's plenty good!

But this is different, and their life, enjoy the pictures and try not to let it eat you up.
If it's not possible, mute and archive though it would be a shame.

Thats really kind of you to say...i adore him , my GS is just great..and very smart and funny.. the things ND children say makes me chuckle with endearment. You are very special , so are your kids..remember that, youre holding it together and you have yourself to thank.. i wish i was nearby for a coffee and chat...but im sending you a virtual cuppa and a couple of hob nobs 😁. ♥️

Is this WhatsApp? You can lock the chat so it's totally hidden away, not just no notifications, but it hides it and you have to actively look for it and use your fingerprint to open it.

I've had to do it with a similar chat group. Can't leave, but muting wasn't enough because I'd see the messages when opening WhatsApp to chat to others.

Just let your brother know that you are too busy to respond to the lovely posts about his twins. He can catch you up periodically by email if he wants (he wont).

its not a big deal. Her family won’t notuce. They are largely unaware of your existence ir your special circumstances. They don’t mean to offend or ignore you. Its very hard for people to really grasp how different your life (anyone’s life) is from their own.

You sound lovely OP. A few points.

1. your dc don’t have just you, they have an uncle too. Sure he’s overseas but they have him like his twins have you
2. please don’t assume that just because your SIL’s family have generational wealth that none of them know what being poor is like, or that none of them know what learning disabilities look like. They may not. But they may.
3. they’re twins and they’re 8mo. It’ll calm down. Mute and don’t look for ages. Nobody would probably either notice or care as long as you pop in once a month or so with a generic “aren’t they adorable!”. Which you can do to your own schedule.
4. you sound so lovely about all this, I wonder if you picked up the phone and told your brother how you feel about this group, and your situation generally, he wouldn’t understand and suggest you mute or take yourself off it permanently. It’s not your job to be endlessly understanding. It goes both ways. He can make an effort to be understanding too. Of course you’ll want to know how your niece(s)/nephew(s) are doing. Hopefully your brother will want to know how your three are doing, including how you can’t afford to take them all on this or that trip because of the parking ticket and the electricity bill both coming due at the same time.

it’s normal to become a bit isolated when in a situation like yours. But maybe your brother and even sister in law would understand that, if you let them in a little?

When you talk to your brother, does he call as often as you? Has he made an effort to have a relationship with your children? Does he visit them?
Does he send you a text at least weekly asking after or commenting on your children?
You don't need to do anything he's not doing! Quite frankly, your brother is the one who should be putting in more effort. He's got a privileged life and family support thanks to his wealthy wife. He knows you don't have any of that and he isn't trying to be a support to you. Don't put your limited effort into relationships that don't put their effort into you.

Can you at least mute the notifications amd archive the chat for a while. If your brother says something, just say you've been too busy to look at the chat. Or even better tell him you're taking a break from whatsapp and social media. If he probes mention your diagnosis.

I actually think it would do you the world of good to uninstall it op. I did with Facebook after comparison is thief of joy and all that. My mental health is better for it. It might be an idea to come off of all social media for a while and focus on yourself. Good luck to you. You're doing great.

Oh OP. I understand how it's hard. But try not to take it too personally.

This is one of those things that if you weren't struggling yourself would just be an eye roll and move on. One part of my family does similar over sharing on facebook (also baby twins) and I just leave them to it, but I don't have the same problem with the upsetting contrast between our lives.

I suggest mute the group and don't feel that you need to comment very often. If you like, explain to your brother why you find it hard. He sounds like a nice guy who would understand.

Yep I’d archive and just never look or reply.

YANBU OP and you are a badass mum doing an amazing job. You’ve been very thoughtful and considerate here too.