Am I Pathetically jealous or justifiably miffed?

[Dragonsandelves]

I am a single mum to 3 kids, 2 with additional needs. Love them to bits as goes without saying, but due to their high needs there are no instagram worthy pics of days out / first days at school/ perfect smiley family etc. we take each day as it comes, roll with the neurodiverse meltdowns (intense) and as long as my kids are fed and alive and loved by the end of the day and I’ve brushed my teeth once it’s a win. You get the picture.
my brother has twins of 8 months with a gorgeous (inside and out) wife and they live overseas, we aren’t very close but no bad relations, we just live in different worlds (they have Nannies, housekeepers, multiple houses across the world, and post lots on social media). Am i happy for him? Yes. Am I jealous? Yes. Do I feel an idiot for feeling jealous? Yes, but it is what it is.

my issue: when the twins were born his wife set up a what’s app group for her extensive family (think parents, stepparents, siblings, cousins) who all live in different countries to keep them up to date with cute pics/ videos/ updates of the twins. Lovely idea. My brother then kindly added me without asking me, fair enough, it’s a nice thought. But omg every day around 24 messages come in from each family member
commenting on the twins outfit that day, their smile, what activity they are doing and while it’s great they have this large extended family who adore them, it’s slowly eating me up, I have no family other than my Brother, no one to send 5
messages applauding my kids smiling (not that they often do and never on demand) but somehow it’s making it painfully obvious that my kids have…me and that’s it, The jealously is creeping in and every message makes me feel angry and it’s such a rotten feeling, I don’t feel I can exit the group without looking rude, I’ve muted it so I don’t get pinged all day with 9 X “wow! Is that a half blueberry F is trying? WELL DONE!” But I have to catch up at the end of a few days and add my
own “well done!” Or I am the only one not doing it and it looks rude ☹️

i think I’m especially on edge this week as i got hit with a wicked electricity bill and parking ticket on the same day that on the chat are offers to buy them the next step up double buggy for £2500 and talk of a weekend at Xmas in a chalet for them (I could go but would need to pay my way and that could never happen financially or with my kids coping in a ski chalet). So it feels like it’s rubbing it in my face that they have an army of family behind them to adore them and financially support them and my kids … don’t, And I know that’s just life but somehow this active group entirely dedicated to the twins makes me feel really envious.

i need to know if I’m being reasonable in which case what the hell do I do as I don’t want to cause offence, and if I’m not do I simply have to try and suck it up?

I would hate to be in any WhatsApp group with that frequency of messages, or to be totally honest, any group 😂 I prefer keeping in touch one-to-one. That’s just how I am. I think you need to reframe this. If you leave the group you are doing so because you don’t want to be in a WhatsApp group with lots of people (many of whom you presumably don’t know?) with multiple daily updates. Not because you don’t care about and want to keep in touch with your brother and his family. Just explain this to him.

This, it is not about you, you made your choices and they made theirs

If you don't want to be in there don't be a martyr just leave

That's so tough op.

Personally, I would mute the chat and only check into it when you felt you wanted to look.

Don't feel pressured to keep checking.
Your DB and his wife are very privileged to have such a lifestyle and large caring family.

It's not a reflection on you at all and it's not "the norm"

You are doing amazingly as you are ☺️

I’m sorry life is tough for you, you don’t sound jealous and bitter you sound worn out and who can blame you.

I really think leaving the group and telling your brother why could be the best thing that happens to you. Your feelings are completely understandable and if your brother has an iota of consideration his response will be nothing but compassionate.

id be devastated if my siblings felt the way you do do and would want to do everything I could to support them

Mute and archive.

I think you’re amazing OP. I have this feeling with my siblings families, we only have my side, they have a set of grandparents, aunties etc all my nieces and nephews biggest fans (as they should be). I find it painful hearing what they get bought at Christmas, hearing where they get taken to and mine don’t have that second set of family. Couldn’t you say to your brother I’m sorry I feel rude I barely comment I’ll set up our own one so it’s easier for me to manage?

your brother and his wife are part of your kids family. Do they ever bother with you and your family?

I’m sorry OP it sounds really hard. I am on the fence.

I agree maybe best to look after your own MH and jump out of the group.

On the other hand, I think you may cause further isolation by jumping out. I agree with the post that he should message you too, but I guess someone will have to connect first. If he is not receptive then I would consider jumping out of the group in a couple of weeks, after he hasn’t been receptive/responsive at least two times.

I think it’s hard to know what to do but for now I would just mute the notifications until more thought on it.

I don't think you should leave the group or tell your brother it makes you uncomfortable. This is a you problem, you will meet a lot of different people with different lives and have to learn to cope with it in a way that doesn't cause you pain.

This is a woman who has had twins and who feels her loving family are far away, she wants them (including you) to be a part of her children's lives. That's why she set up the group.

If you want your children to have a large extended family, don't start by pushing away family who want to include you and are nice to you, that would be mad.

Mute the group, flick through the pictures occasionally if you care about your brother and his kids. Stay in touch with your brother separately and start taking photos of your kids, even if imperfect photos, they'll be lovely to people that love you.

Just talk to your brother and his wife and be honest how it’s making you feel.
feiterate how much you love them and the twins and set up another WhatsApp group for just the three of you.

it sounds like a horrible experience for you and surely they can understand that.

I live far away from family and have a similar experience of just feeling so outside but you also have to remember that people never post their dirty laundry in these places. You have no idea how tough their lives might actually be. Equally they likely have no idea how tough yours is either.

You can change the settings now on WhatsApp so that when you leave a group isn’t doesn’t announce it. Of course if someone went to look for you then you wouldn’t be there. But it’s way less obvious now. I would quietly leave the group and message your brother with a brief note explaining. In your situation I probably would manage with an occasional update from him, but you don’t need to be bombarded every day. Sending hugs 💐

I agree with those saying that you should mute the chat.

People are always incredibly defensive about their children and if you leave your db could easily get very offended and then you will have that problem to deal with. I totally understand how you are feeling but your db may feel hurt on behalf of his children and it may be hard to come back from that. At the end of the day (and appreciate this is easy for me to say) try to accept that they have their life and you can control how you react to it.

Just mute and archive the chat, you can go and look at the pictures occassionally if you want without reading the messages. I wouldn't want to read that every day either, but it isn't their fault you are struggling.

Yes, this, why did you just not choose to have healthy children and be loaded? What a stupid comment.

I really empathise. YANBU. I would think about it for a while. On the one hand your DB may appreciate his connection with you and the kids are your relatives. But the thing is most of these people probably have separate relationships with the family so it's a bit slack of your brother if that's his only communication he has with you.

And at the same time your own wellbeing and ability to be the best parent you can be is more important than anyone else's opinion.

I'm not very assertive so I'd probably stop looking at the group much, even every few days is a lot. Like you say you aren't close - maybe every 3- 6 weeks? I think you can set it so that photos go into your camera roll so you could look at photos privately and write a comment every 6 weeks without having to read theirs?

Gosh, I can't imagine wanting to see that many baby photos even though I love babies and am in the very fortunate position of not struggling myself. There's a difference between keeping people in the loop and bombarding with daily photos. It's completely understandable you feel the way you do OP so don't give yourself a hard time about it.

Leave the group. If asked just say that you are having a break from social media for well being reasons. If they have any sensitivity they will get it.

Ah dear, sometimes the idiots make me laugh so much it brightens my day. Brilliant 😂

Well, "nice" isn't "kind", is it?
I totally agree.

Even without the comparisons to your life, I find the whole concept of a WhatsApp group devoted to these children tacky, tone deaf and also really, really boring. My sister doesn't have children but I'd say I have sent her fewer photos of my two in their whole lives (17 and 13) than you're getting in a week. You do not have to participate in this madness. You've had great advice from others as to how to broach leaving the group whilst maintaining your relationship with your brother. But also, don't be afraid of sharing with him or asking him for some support and friendship in twems of the reality of your life. Not in a complaining way but as a loving sibling, don't be afraid to show your vulnerability. If he's even half as nice as you are, then your relationship may grow and deepen.

Does your brother know that some support would
help you?

is it possible he might actually provide some support to you if he knew it could help you?

When my marriage broke down I had some very tough years financially and being a single mum. I felt such a failure too. I couldn’t cope with comparing myself to my amazing oldest friends, who were holidaying to Mexico and everywhere else with their solid families. I told them I needed to go into “hedgehog “ mode for a while, to take some time out and get myself sorted emotionally. They completely understood and were waiting for when I was ready. I never told them though that the truth was I was so jealous of them, I couldn’t handle it. It was a horrible feeling. Their success highlighted my failure to me.

If I were you OP, I’d talk to your brother and be honest. Tell him you’re feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment and much as you love seeing the updates, the not so pretty truth is they can make you feel inadequate and unsettled. Tell him about your own diagnosis and that you’re going to take some quiet time emotionally and socially to keep you all on track. Tell him you need him in your life and knowing he’s there for you is a huge comfort.

I don’t think you are inadequate or failing in any way, just to make that clear. Knowing how tough it was being a single mum to a toddler without ND challenges, I can only imagine. As for your kids, they may not have flashy outings but it sounds like no one could love them more than you do and at the end of the day, that’s all they really need.

This is also v true!!

Nothing turns my stomach more than people posting daily pics on FB of their toddlers with food round their chops.

I would mute the chat and then delete/archive the thread rather than leaving.

Having an WA group just about two children, with such frequent main posts (and then all the subsequent messages responding), is quite intense and I would find that quite tedious/irritating - even if I was in exactly the same position as them. I think they've got a bit carried away - that level of sharing would maybe be welcomed by grandparents but beyond that... too much I think.

Much nicer and more natural to have less frequent and more personal to have a WA message with your Brother/SIL that include a recent pic of two of the twins along with other chat, that includes you children too. I guess that's not on offer though! I would maybe have a timed look (5 mins max) every couple of weeks - and go through and emoji comment on a few pics.

Aww I just want to send some love to you ❤️ from one tough life living mum to another
You're doing amazing. It would have taken me less than 8 months to feel how you are feeling

Parenting children who develop differently is very hard and while you'll find a lot of people are empathetic to how hard it is, some people just live in the clouds and sail through their perfect NT life never having the worries, struggles or stress that our ND dc bring. We love them to death but it doesn't make it easy!

I've found speaking to other mums who have children like mine is much easier. They appreciate the tiny things I'm proud to report and understand when days are bad and it's all getting too much. They don't care if the background in my photos are messy (100% of the time) and neither do I. We are all just surviving and enjoying our ds milestones

Mute the chat, (sorry to say) they might not notice. If DB does, be honest with him. You may find he has as much empathy as we do and makes some changes about how they update you on the twins

Lots of love x