Would you expect adult stepson to help with household chores if he worked and you didn't?

[orangejuice11]

I am currently a sahp to mine and dh children and his adult son also lives here.
I do the housework and all the childcare but SS is home 3 days a week as he works compressed hours.
He doesn't feel he should do any chores as he works and I don't.
Dh works away a lot and I don't want to burden him with this but curious to see if others would expect an adult child to help out around the house in this situation?

And if you really believe you'll say that to your own young adult, in a very expensive housing market, you're fooling no one but yourself.

If course they should contribute, but there's no way you'd chuck your son out because he doesn't clean the bathroom.

Who made him the boss of you?

He needs to move out if he isn’t prepared to share in tackling the normal household chores.

I have 2 adult SDC with their own families and when they visit they always share things like food shopping and cooking. It’s what decent people do.

You need to have a conversation with his dad to get him to clarify the Rules of the house to his son. Make it clear that this isn’t up for negotiation.

Well yes. It shouldn't really matter what OP does with her day. The SS is still an adult living in the house and so should be chipping in with housework.

That was the point of my post….🤦🏻‍♀️

Why not? It does them no harm to spend time fending for themselves in the real world of manky shared houses.

One of my adult step DC moved into a grotty bed sit in his early 20’s because he thought he could get away with living in a pigsty but he soon realised that living in a damp dingy flat was no way to live and when he got a new girlfriend, he sorted himself out pretty sharpish.

He’s on mega bucks now and living in a beautiful large flat in London and his girlfriend, now wife, is a Hospital Consultant.

Sometimes youngsters need a dose of reality to help them grow up.

Then time for some tough loving and tell him to move out. What's DHs views?

Mine will be though? They are all single digits and learning they clean up messes, help with washing, shopping etc. I will bring up competent capable adults who will enjoy being grounded at 13 if they think they don’t need to clean a bathroom. They already know we aren’t building an upstairs until they are old enough to tidy and vacuum it and clean the bathroom.
A working 23yo can share house, they won’t starve. I would certainly suggest an entitled working 23yo who thought he could suggest cleaning the bathroom he used was my job could move out.

Just to add, better for this young man’s entire life that the op sets standards now and he learns to be more capable and adult. He will have a better chance of getting a decent partner and keeping them, and an round better approach to life.

Omg it’s 1960. Although, my Mum was never like this and we are all good adults

The 'I go out to work so I shouldn't have to do much housework' argument might hold up a bit better if he were your partner and the money he earned at work was supporting you not to go out to work, but this isn't your partner. He's your partner's son and his wage isn't keeping the household afloat or paying for things that you need/want

Exactly. What use are his earnings to you? You aren’t living off them. I’d just leave him to it - he can do his own laundry, cook his own meals etc.
As for his silly girlfriend - who does she think’s going to be doing all the housework if they move in together? 😂

@Summertimer

what’s wrong with a young person living in a houseshare! It’s good for young people - character building!

how much does he contribute financially?

Ideally his Dad needs to have a conversation with him. He needs to tell him that if he wants to continue living in the home then he contributes to the upkeep of it. It will be much more impactful coming from his Dad and not you. He needs to be told that a SAHM is not a slave to everyone else living in the home, otherwise god help his future wife! Hopefully he is just being a bit immature and is totally unaware of the amount of work that running a house and parenting young children involves.

In my home I would expect him to make dinner for the whole family 1 night a week. If he didn’t do this, then I would not be making him dinner all the other days of the week. I would expect him to be helping to do dishwasher or washing up a couple of nights per week, sometimes put the bins out, occasionally mow the lawn etc.

Yes.

He is not supporting you so you are not in a relationship with him whereby he brings in the money and you take care of the chores.

He is confusing himself with your dh.

Tell him his working makes no contribution to the household therefore he is responsible for his share of the domestic work. If he wants to live like a lodger then he can pay you

I think he should do the same level of chores as if he lived alone or in a shared house and enough chores that he isn’t making more work for you. If you didn’t cook his dinner, you could put the extra aside for your dinner the next day for example. You wouldn’t need to clean the bathroom as often if he wasnt using it etc.

It sounds like this set up is guaranteed to cause resentment between the 2 of you as you have a difference of opinion (fwiw, I think you’re right!).

Join the army for ‘character building’

Oh the naivety!

Please return in 13 years to update.

I wouldn't expect him to take on loads of chores. He isn’t a substitute for a partner who is away a lot so I wouldn’t have any expectations of him with regards to the children or tidying up any mess they make. Id expect him to help with the dishes and kitchen area ( he is eating the food you make), clean up after himself, do a share of sorting the bins out. Id expect him to do his own clothes washing/ drying/ ironing. Thats probably the extent of what he would do if he was living on his own. People are different and not everyone cleans regularly.

Of course! If he lived alone who’d be doing the chores?

@Summertimer

I don’t really think living in a house share is comparable to being in the army!

Whilst the prospect of their offspring living in a houseshare seems to horrify a lot of mumsnetters, it can actually be a lot of fun!

Weekly to monthly? As a household of 5!! Ours is wiped around every 2-3 days. Cleaned weekly and deep cleaned monthly.

Everyone should clean up after themselves and contribute to cleaning communal areas they use and benefit from. Regardless of age or working status. Unless they've a physical disability preventing it from being possible safely.
He should be paying his proportion of bills, buying own food/cooking and cleaning for himself/ doing own laundry/ hoovering the house, cleaning bathroom after use.
I'm sure if he doesn't like it he'll find a flat share where it's totally acceptable to renege on your responsibilities? Not.

Erm several bounds in the air here to come to a conclusion not based on what I said at all.

Houseshare = freedom and responsibility. At home = family life where looking after yourself skills are learnt about but not by making it compulsory and calling it chores

Yes - anyone who lives in the house needs to contribute to making it run effectively. Children do less because of their age. But adults? Sure. And its not even his house - is he an Andrew Tate follower? Or generally misogynistic.