Page 5 | Would you expect adult stepson to help with household chores if he worked and you didn't?

Mischance · 15/08/2024 12:30

The height of cheeky buggery - make some ground rules - you are not a skivvy - how dare he!

icouldholditwithacobweb · 15/08/2024 12:30

I live alone and work full time. Guess who does my housework, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc? Me. Of course he should be helping out, if you contribute to the mess you can contribute to cleaning up.

Summertimer · 15/08/2024 12:30

AutumnCrow · 15/08/2024 12:18

Perhaps for a quite small, uncomplicated household. Other households vary in size and complexity.

And if cleaning a bathroom is so easy peasy and 'isn't much work', then why can't the 23 year old man just agree to do it?

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All I can say is, I don’t have the same approach

NB DH is our bathroom cleaner

queenofthebongo · 15/08/2024 12:31

orangejuice11 · 15/08/2024 11:18

His gf doesn't live here so it's only him, she just agrees with him that he shouldn't have to do it because I'm at home all day.

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He's home all day too - 3xtimes per week. I bet his home days are quieter and less stressful than yours...

TomeTome · 15/08/2024 12:31

Offer to put his board up to pay for a cleaner?

godmum56 · 15/08/2024 12:36

orangejuice11 · 15/08/2024 11:11

I cook a family meal and put him some up, he does his own washing and I don't go near his room.
I have asked that he clean the bathroom once a week on one of his days off and he thinks this is unreasonable because he's at work and earning so I should do it as I'm at home all day, his gf agrees with him which is why I wondered if I was wrong to expect that.

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well he can bog off for a kick off! And if I was his GF I'd be thinking hard about whether or not I want life with an idle entitled idiot

AgileGreenSeal · 15/08/2024 12:36

What does his dad say?

mewkins · 15/08/2024 12:38

It doesn't matter who is in or outbof the house, everyone should be contributing to cleaning up after themselves. If he was in a house share would he be expecting the person who wfh most to clean up after him?

If he refuses to contribute to cleaning and tidying communal living spaces telm him he needs to go and live with his girlfriend or up his contribution so he is effectively paying for the cleaner that he thinks he deserves.

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/08/2024 12:39

Summertimer · 15/08/2024 12:29

I think it’s all fine and I doubt he thinks that but don’t know

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@Summertimer

you think it’s fine that op does absolutely everything in the house and he - another adult - does nothing?! Wow! Internalised misogyny much?!

Theoldbird · 15/08/2024 12:45

Dotjones · 15/08/2024 11:29

I have asked that he clean the bathroom once a week on one of his days off and he thinks this is unreasonable because he's at work and earning so I should do it as I'm at home all day

Your problem is that you are not seeing this from his point of view. The way he sees it, the bathroom needs cleaning once per week at most. Men don't clean bathrooms daily, it's a weekly to monthly job. So in his eyes, why should he be wholly responsible for the task of cleaning the bathroom when you are a stay at home parent who probably should find time to give it a quick going over every seven days. Why would he do all the cleaning for you and your children?

Another way to look at it is if you clean it six days per week, missing one day in seven isn't actually going to make any difference.

so basically he should do no chores either way? what the hell are you on about? he lives in the house, he needs to do chores and household tasks. I would a expect a 10 year old understand that. My own dc were doing age appropriate chores by long before the age of 10

Sweetteaplease · 15/08/2024 12:45

ClaudiaWankleman · 15/08/2024 12:16

If his room is cleaned, it's done by him (I'm not saying it is cleaned, but OP doesn't do it) and he does his own laundry. So he's at 0 on those fronts. The extra jobs around the house need to be shared equally, but as I said I think his 'fair share' of those will be quite small in practice.

Washing up a couple of times a week, or sorting out other people's laundry when he does his own would probably be enough. I kind of understand if he didn't want to clean the bathroom that two young children also use - they are probably more likely to leave it dirtier than most by virtue of using the bath, toilet habits and being a bit messier overall.

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We must have quite different expectations. I expect my 3 yo to keep his room clean, that goes without saying. Someone over 20 shouldn't be getting brownie points for that! I'm also assuming him and his gf probably male more of a mess in the bathroom than young children, and I'm guessing it's probably mostly clean anyway. If anything he should learn to clean a bathroom so he doesn't end up being completely useless when he eventually moves of home

Summertimer · 15/08/2024 12:46

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/08/2024 12:39

@Summertimer

you think it’s fine that op does absolutely everything in the house and he - another adult - does nothing?! Wow! Internalised misogyny much?!

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But he’s not her partner

ClaudiaWankleman · 15/08/2024 12:47

Sweetteaplease · 15/08/2024 12:45

We must have quite different expectations. I expect my 3 yo to keep his room clean, that goes without saying. Someone over 20 shouldn't be getting brownie points for that! I'm also assuming him and his gf probably male more of a mess in the bathroom than young children, and I'm guessing it's probably mostly clean anyway. If anything he should learn to clean a bathroom so he doesn't end up being completely useless when he eventually moves of home

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I haven't actually given brownie points. If you actually read what I wrote, I said that puts him at 0.

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/08/2024 12:51

Summertimer · 15/08/2024 12:46

But he’s not her partner

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@Summertimer

so? He is an adult. Therefore he should be contributing.

NasiDagang · 15/08/2024 12:58

Ask him to move out! He sounds very entitled.

GrumpyPanda · 15/08/2024 12:59

Summertimer · 15/08/2024 11:35

I don’t believe in ‘chores’. If he pays to live with you, offering the occasional or even regular cooking of a meal and asking ‘can I put some washing on for you’ is more than enough

Except he doesn't! He's enjoying the services of a private chef-cum cleaner without pitching in himself.

OP tell him/the cf gf that how you and yiur spouse split tasks between the two of you is none of their goddamn business and doesn't absolve him from doing his share (not "chores") the way any adult would. In the meantime, stop serving him any food. If yiu want to be really petty, refund him a small part of his monthly contribution and tell him to do his own shopping and put a lock on rhe pantry.

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 15/08/2024 13:05

I think I'd be telling him is keep has increased by £50 a week to cover the maid service he ordered.

In fact - as you haven't specified - look up the average cost of a room in your area, increase his rent to that, and then find out how much a cleaner is and add that on. When I had a cleaner I was paying about £250 a month for 2 hours a week.

Maybe he won't be such a sod when he realises what a good deal he's getting.

And his stupid girlfriend is going to regret her words when/if they ever live together!

TheCrenchinglyMcQuaffenBrothers · 15/08/2024 13:05

He doesn't feel he should do any chores as he works and I don't

You do work. You look after the children and the home. Why does he think economic work trumps domestic work? Is it because it’s usually women who do it? How you - or anyone else for that matter - decide to share the labour in your own home is your business. It only ever becomes an issue when one type of work is valued more than the other.

Summertimer · 15/08/2024 13:05

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/08/2024 12:51

@Summertimer

so? He is an adult. Therefore he should be contributing.

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I take a different view, you are entitled to your different view

GrumpyPanda · 15/08/2024 13:06

ClaudiaWankleman · 15/08/2024 11:50

Stay at home partner maybe?

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To her DP. Not to his lazy-ass son.

Moonshine5 · 15/08/2024 13:06

You do work

GCAcademic · 15/08/2024 13:06

Summertimer · 15/08/2024 12:46

But he’s not her partner

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That makes it even worse. He's not supporting her financially, in a relationship with her, or providing anything else that would justify his expectation of unpaid labour.

Summertimer · 15/08/2024 13:06

GrumpyPanda · 15/08/2024 12:59

Except he doesn't! He's enjoying the services of a private chef-cum cleaner without pitching in himself.

OP tell him/the cf gf that how you and yiur spouse split tasks between the two of you is none of their goddamn business and doesn't absolve him from doing his share (not "chores") the way any adult would. In the meantime, stop serving him any food. If yiu want to be really petty, refund him a small part of his monthly contribution and tell him to do his own shopping and put a lock on rhe pantry.

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Family is different

ClaudiaWankleman · 15/08/2024 13:07

GrumpyPanda · 15/08/2024 13:06

To her DP. Not to his lazy-ass son.

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Yes, that's what's was written originally.

Izzynohopanda · 15/08/2024 13:08

You are not his maid or employee.