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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you expect adult stepson to help with household chores if he worked and you didn't?

209 replies

orangejuice11 · 15/08/2024 10:42

I am currently a sahp to mine and dh children and his adult son also lives here.
I do the housework and all the childcare but SS is home 3 days a week as he works compressed hours.
He doesn't feel he should do any chores as he works and I don't.
Dh works away a lot and I don't want to burden him with this but curious to see if others would expect an adult child to help out around the house in this situation?

OP posts:
Blake77 · 15/08/2024 10:43

Yes

scoobysnaxx · 15/08/2024 10:44

Of course.

Why would it be your job and not his?

AntoinetteCurtain · 15/08/2024 10:44

Of course he should help out.

Does he generally consider himself to be superior to you?

Turophilic · 15/08/2024 10:45

Everyone helps out. It’s part of being a family.

TheShellBeach · 15/08/2024 10:45

Of course he should do housework. I assume his father does?

Why is it that men believe that only women are obliged to clean, cook, wash clothes etc? It makes me so mad.

Myusernamemustbeatleastthreecharacters · 15/08/2024 10:47

He'd have house work to do if he lived alone.

How old is he? You said your DH is away a lot, how often is it just you and adult step son? Can he move out any time soon?

And is he paying a decent amount to live with you if he is working full time?

Eviebeans · 15/08/2024 10:47

How old is he? I see you refer to him as an adult child…

Dollyparton3 · 15/08/2024 10:47

But you do have a job, you're a SAHP and it's a lot more hours than he works.

Original poster
orangejuice11 · 15/08/2024 10:51

He's 23 and he pays a contribution which covers his costs for food and bills but he's not financially supporting me so his income only benefits himself.

OP posts:
Floofydawg · 15/08/2024 11:02

Do you cook for him? Clean his room? Do his washing? If so, stop all that immediately. But aside from that he should still be doing some household chores - you're not his slave and you have young kids to look after.

Peonies12 · 15/08/2024 11:04

Yes, all adults should contribute to household chores relative to their working hours. And kids should do age appropriate chores.

Izzymoon · 15/08/2024 11:04

I would expect him to do his own chores, wash his clothes, wash his dishes if he cooks separately, stack the dishwasher after a family meal etc
I wouldn’t expect him to things to do with the care of the other kids necessarily.

Tiredeveryday · 15/08/2024 11:05

Of course he should!

Do you cook for him?
Does he cook for you?
Who does his washing and cleaning his room?
Does he do anything like empty dishwasher?

Tell him it’s 2024 and you are not his cleaner/cook/laundrette

TheFlis · 15/08/2024 11:06

How many / what age children are you a sahp parent to?

ClaudiaWankleman · 15/08/2024 11:08

I don't think he should be financially supporting you.

I'd expect him to make a proportionate contribution. So cleaning his room/ bathroom if he has a separate one, washing up 1/5 of every meal (assuming it's you, DP + 2 children for example), doing similar with the washing and ironing or sorting his own laundry out separately.

Overall though, you should be doing the lion's share because your, DP and the children's shares fall to you as SAHP.

Whaleandsnail6 · 15/08/2024 11:09

How old are your kids? I expect everyone in the house to have age appropriate chores.

Even if young preschoolers, I had mine doing token chores to get them involved so not unreasonable to expect stepson to do chores as long as other children are doing so too.

Original poster
orangejuice11 · 15/08/2024 11:11

Floofydawg · 15/08/2024 11:02

Do you cook for him? Clean his room? Do his washing? If so, stop all that immediately. But aside from that he should still be doing some household chores - you're not his slave and you have young kids to look after.

I cook a family meal and put him some up, he does his own washing and I don't go near his room.
I have asked that he clean the bathroom once a week on one of his days off and he thinks this is unreasonable because he's at work and earning so I should do it as I'm at home all day, his gf agrees with him which is why I wondered if I was wrong to expect that.

OP posts:
Rhaidimiddim · 15/08/2024 11:13

Having a paid job for 40 hours of the week doesn't entitle someone to maid service in their home.

If he were living on his own (and it sounds like about time he should be) he'd have to do necessary chores.

Plus, being a SAHM is a (more than) full-time job, even though not paid.

Don't let him devalue your work or feel entitled to your time or labour.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/08/2024 11:14

The big question here is does his father do anything round the house. If not that's the role model that's been provided for him.

Yes he works but does he contribute to the household? If not he can either do chores or pay you a cook and cleaning fee.

Sweetteaplease · 15/08/2024 11:14

orangejuice11 · 15/08/2024 11:11

I cook a family meal and put him some up, he does his own washing and I don't go near his room.
I have asked that he clean the bathroom once a week on one of his days off and he thinks this is unreasonable because he's at work and earning so I should do it as I'm at home all day, his gf agrees with him which is why I wondered if I was wrong to expect that.

Show quote history

Who gives a shit what his gf thinks. What does your husband/his father think? Of course he needs to do his bit or else he can find somewhere else to live

Rhaidimiddim · 15/08/2024 11:14

Floofydawg · 15/08/2024 11:02

Do you cook for him? Clean his room? Do his washing? If so, stop all that immediately. But aside from that he should still be doing some household chores - you're not his slave and you have young kids to look after.

And this!

Original poster
orangejuice11 · 15/08/2024 11:14

Whaleandsnail6 · 15/08/2024 11:09

How old are your kids? I expect everyone in the house to have age appropriate chores.

Even if young preschoolers, I had mine doing token chores to get them involved so not unreasonable to expect stepson to do chores as long as other children are doing so too.

The younger ones are primary and nursery, my eldest daughter 6 does it without being asked she enjoys helping with cooking, cleaning and the youngest tries to help too.
Difference is they want to and he doesn't.

OP posts:
AutumnCrow · 15/08/2024 11:15

I presume he and his delightful girlfriend are using the bathroom?

Do they always meticulously clean up after themselves? Somehow I doubt it. So much easier to leave it to the household appliance (you).

Original poster
orangejuice11 · 15/08/2024 11:18

AutumnCrow · 15/08/2024 11:15

I presume he and his delightful girlfriend are using the bathroom?

Do they always meticulously clean up after themselves? Somehow I doubt it. So much easier to leave it to the household appliance (you).

His gf doesn't live here so it's only him, she just agrees with him that he shouldn't have to do it because I'm at home all day.

OP posts:
Floofydawg · 15/08/2024 11:20

I'd be telling the GF to fuck off back to her own home quite frankly. Of course it's not unreasonable to ask one or the other of them to clean the bloody bathroom between them.

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