Would you expect adult stepson to help with household chores if he worked and you didn't?

[orangejuice11]

I am currently a sahp to mine and dh children and his adult son also lives here.
I do the housework and all the childcare but SS is home 3 days a week as he works compressed hours.
He doesn't feel he should do any chores as he works and I don't.
Dh works away a lot and I don't want to burden him with this but curious to see if others would expect an adult child to help out around the house in this situation?

If he’s paying his board, for me that’s enough. It might be different in some families. If so go with it

My adult son works full time but he has time to clean the bathroom, mow the lawn and put the the bins out. He has autism as well.

Dh works away a lot and I don't want to burden him with this
Why not? His adult son is living in your house and is refusing to do one simple thing you ask? Tough if hes away a lot. His son, his problem. You aren't his mother. His girlfriend can see what it's like to have a lazy arse living with her who doesn't know how to do simple chores.

Thw gf might regret agreeing with him if they ever move in together!

Yeah but this is really a problem with your partner!

HE needs to explain to his son that he needs to help , he should have taught his son to respect women, and that being female does not mean you are responsible for all the cleaning!

My two adult sons are at home this summer, they contribute £350 towards food/bills AND we expect them to help with the cleaning.

what a prat. tell him to increase his financial contributions to cover the cost of a live-in housekeeper service. And you do have a job, a job with longer hours and more responsibilities than his.

That said, this is really a conversation between his Dad and him. not reasonable to expect you to deal with his misogyny.

Dunno about that. I'd be willing to bet this prince among men pees standing up and expects OP to clean up after it.

But you are looking after your dc all day. You are working - albeit unpaid. Of course your ss should do his share!! Lazy toad.

What his gf thinks is irrelevant.

I'd expect him to do some stuff when he's actually around, yes. Just because he works that doesn't mean he's exempt from stuff like sorting his own laundry, clearing up after dinner or whatever. Mowing the lawn at the weekend, that kind of thing.

The 'I go out to work so I shouldn't have to do much housework' argument might hold up a bit better if he were your partner and the money he earned at work was supporting you not to go out to work, but this isn't your partner. He's your partner's son and his wage isn't keeping the household afloat or paying for things that you need/want.

I wouldn't expect an adult child to be dealing with the younger kids' mess or childcare or that kind of stuff, though.

Is he a clean person in general op? So is the bathroom etc in a mess because of him? Does he put his dishes in the dishwasher? If he does that and if he keeps his room tidy and puts out the bins when needed Id assume that to be all he needs to do, and if he doesn’t I’d tell him there’s a bare minimum requirement in life to not cause further mess for someone else to have to clean up. Especially for his bedroom!! Bare minimum of a bathroom clean but the main clean of the week is assume the sahp to do

Do you wash his clothes? Stop!

Well, of course they're less stressful, he hasn't got small children!

His girlfriend agrees with him @orangejuice11 ? Maybe he thinks you’re asking because he’s a step child so just make it clear that you expect the same from everyone. Bet his contribution is lower than renting his own place and if he didn’t live there the bathroom would stay cleaner so - he better get on with it, or go elsewhere 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think he should be cooking for himself and cleaning up after himself as the default - that includes doing his own laundry etc.

But I do think that you should be doing the vast majority.

Of course he should contribute and a weekly clean of the bathroom, which he uses, is far from unreasonable. If you have the right kind of relationship I'd be explaining the rod she's making to GF.

However, these threads always amuse me. We have mothers of 5 & 8 yos, even young teens, where let's face it there's something very wrong if you don't have complete control, being all smug because their DC pick up after themselves and certian that they'd be kicking their 23yo out in the streets if he behaved like this. As if any parent is going to do that when the child's worst crime is a reluctance to do some housework. Some people have a big shock coming.

Now at 23, my DS is becoming a fully functioning adult and pretty good to have around the house. He was also very good at 5, 8 & 13, but I actually found the transition from child to adult the hardest of all the parenting phases.

Why do women end up living in these situations ? Stand up for yourself OP and get your husband and stepson told that you are not the bloody housekeeper.

Of course he should. Every member of a family should do age appropriate housework.

You don't mention how much your DH does around the house? If he leaves all the housework to you then I can see how his son has grown up to see it as 'women's work'. If DH isn't currently pulling his weight that would be the first thing I'd change.

If your DH already does his fair share, he needs to have a serious discussion with his son about expectations.

How much does your DH do around the house? I wonder if this is as much of a DH problem as a DSS problem..? Like father, like son.

If he’s 23, he still has a teenage brain. The brain doesn’t stop developing until the mid to late twenties and the part that controls empathy is one of the last bits to develop 😂 If he’s entitled and selfish, it’s probably down to your DH’s and his DM’s parenting. Maybe you need to spell it out to him like he is a kid, if no one did before.

I don’t agree with him but I can guess his logic. Perhaps all you need is to explain why his logic isn’t actually logical before he becomes a fully fledged selfish, entitled cocklodger.

If he does his own laundry and room, it is no more work for you having him live there than not, is it? He is correct. You need to point out that he benefits from the arrangement more than you (subsidised rent, never needing to cook, less housework than he would living alone or in a house share) whereas you save a little bit on bills but that is offset by having less space. There needs to be some reciprocity.

If he didn’t do family chores when he was a teenager, why should he do them now when he is paying to live there? Which begs the question, why didn’t he do chores? I assume because he wasn’t there full time so you wanted to spend time with him rather than having him clean your home.

Why should he clear up after you and your DC? He shouldn’t but you shouldn’t have to cook and clear up after him. Communal tasks should be split between the 3 adults taking into account that you and your DH are responsible for 4 of the household members and 4/5 of the mess. Cleaning the bathroom weekly sounds very fair.

Does your DH help around the house? If not, he might have a point that if he is expected to do his share, so should your DH… As I said, like father, like son.

If he doesn’t want to clean on his days off, he always has the option that he pays for a cleaner or more rent to cover cleaning.

Or move out.

DH and I work full time and pay the bills. We don't get to opt out of housekeeping. Why should an adult child?

OP might not be working outside of the home but she is working. She's looking after young children and saving the family a bomb on childcare. If stepson doesn't like it he can get his own place and will be shocked to learn that the house doesn't just clean itself while he's at work all day. Or maybe his girlfriend will be happy to clean up after him since she thinks he shouldn't have to clean because he works.

Good point about Dad. If they both work FT, there's no reason DSS should be expected to do more than DH

That's a DH issue though. DSS isn't responsible for children his Dad had.

DSS should be contributing because he lives there, but not because his Dad had more kids

Does he pay rent? If so, is it there going rate?

Do it your own way and I will do it mine

I would say to dh that I will expect more than that from my kids when they are teens and he can either see himself as a contributing member of the household and do some chores and cooking, or he can experience the world of adulthood by renting a place and doing his own cleaning.

Let him do his own washing and dishes- only make him dinner if you're making it anyway.