Would you expect adult stepson to help with household chores if he worked and you didn't?

[orangejuice11]

I am currently a sahp to mine and dh children and his adult son also lives here.
I do the housework and all the childcare but SS is home 3 days a week as he works compressed hours.
He doesn't feel he should do any chores as he works and I don't.
Dh works away a lot and I don't want to burden him with this but curious to see if others would expect an adult child to help out around the house in this situation?

How many bathrooms do you have?

Stop cooking for him.

Being part of a family is about respecting each other. He doesn’t respect you so stop cooking for him.

Interesting.
I take it you don't believe in housework generally, then?

Of course he should muck in. He should cook a meal for you all once a week too. Or you won’t be cooking for him anymore.

What a misogynistic twat he is becoming.

If you had a nanny to take care of the children, she'd do everything for the child but bugger all general housework. The coffee cup you left on the side would still be there when you come home.

Staying at home with children is work and it is what your job currently is. What your job is not is maid of all work. You do housework as extra, not as part of parenting little ones.

A grown man of 23 doesn't need to be mothered and as such can pull his finger out and pull his weight in the domestic labour stakes. If he lived independently he would still have to contribute AND do housework, or pay someone else to do it.

Speak with his father and get him to tell him off as he obviously won't listen to you. Families are supposed to pull together, not have one member acting like Lord Muck. Meanwhile, do nothing for him to ram the message home.

I'm sorry for his eventual wife.

Her DP is presumably a grown man, so she's not his "stay at home parent", is she.

"I'm not a SAHP to you. You are a grown man responsible for cleaning up after yourself. What i do during the day is none of your business."

Ask his girlfriend if she'd rather he learned to clean up after himself now or once they're living together.

Yes. Does he do his own laundry etc? Does he do any cooking? If he eats dinner you cook then he can wash up after.
Also mow lawn, carry out rubbish, vacuum, clean the bathroom...he creates mess he can help clean it.

My adult son contributes financially towards his part of the bills and also does chores as required - at 23 your stepson is more than old enough to muck in during one of his three days off a week.

As for your being at home - you aren't the maid, you are raising your children. You aren't sitting on your arse eating bonbons all day. Of course you have plenty to do and he can get off his arse and clean to bathroom.

Really? If he was on his own, he'd be paying more AND doing all the 'chores'. Some very odd comments on here. I'd assume he's barely covering his cost by whatever he's paying

Stay at home partner maybe?

At 23 he should be thinking of living with you more as a flatmate relationship.. so absolutely be sharing chores.. and cooking his own meals.. what does his actual parent think?.... girlfriend doesnt get an opinion...

It's none of his girlfriend's business so I would be telling her to keep her nose out. I would include him in dinner but I wouldn't pick up after him or do his washing. I probably wouldn't expect him to do any cleaning other than his own room unless he is particularly messy, but I would expect him to do a bit of babysitting, popping to the shop for me, that kind of stuff. My adult dc are at home, all working, all contributing to the bills, as I am at home I do the cooking and the cleaning, though they do their own rooms and washing. That works for us.

But it’s family he’s living with, just different

I think this should involve your husband actually.

Of course your stepson should be doing some chores, because he lives there. This does worry me as a SAHP and carer, the idea that kids will grow up thinking mum has to do it all and they don't have to. So it's really important that both you and your husband set the norms in your family that everyone chips in to help. Reducing it into a battle between you and a recalcitrant adult child doesn't address the bigger question of what the norm should be in your family.

Tell him he can pay for a cleaner to come in once a week to do his share.

Of course I do, but I don’t expect our DC to do it. He offers help, I let him but I would not give him chores

If he is paying board and lodging, it’s fair that he does what he would do in a house share or if he were a lodger - do his own laundry, clean up the kitchen after he uses it (or take a turn cooking and cleaning up after), clean his own room, take a turn cleaning shared areas. That said, taking a turn cleaning the bathroom and living areas in a shared house of 4 would only be a few hours a month - no toys to tidy nor toddler mess and crumbs, no knacks to dust… It takes a lot longer cleaning a family home.

I think that his argument only works if he is financially supporting you. In a couple, by prior agreement, one of them can agree to pay the others share of finances and the other agrees to do their share of housework. I'd always still expect the person working outside the home to do a few basics as it's not nice to treat others like your maid.

As it stands -
He isnt part of a couple who own the house
He doesnt want to mutually agree anything
He is not really paying his way, but not contributing in other ways to make up for it

And overall, if he is an adult, then he has no right to live there, you're letting him stay there and he can choose to live by your rules, or move out.

Why is this on you to sort out not your husband?

Absolutely he should be helping. You're caring for your children has nothing to do with him! If he was in a house share he'd be getting a much less sweet deal. I'd be rethinking the terms of your arrangement- do you need to rent a room to him?

Of course he should do his fair share. Clean bathroom once a week/run hoover round once a week/do washing up on all nights he's provided with food by you (or split with DH when he's home).
He's an adult and not paying rent, so that's a good deal. You're not his skivvy.
Otherwise it's time for him to get his own place.
None of GF's business.
Sounds like there's a power imbalance here though if you don't want to worry DH about it. Is the house owned solely by him or something? Sounds like you're at risk of being relegated to bit-part player in your own family life

Yes, so he should be a contributing member of it. His step mother is not his maid

His gf doesn't get a say in this. maybe he should move in with her and she can see how she likes it living with a lazy man child?

Of course he should do chores. Cleaning the bathroom once a week is nothing in the way of chores. He should take turns to cook and hoover, clean tidy etc. You're not earning but you are working by looking after your dc. So I would challenge him on that. There's no way I would put up with that level of entitlement and disrespect.

Since I presume it is the family bathroom, then I think he has you over a barrel. As you all need to use it...
Apart from cooking him a meal because your cooking for everyone else, do nothing else for him, and remind him to wash up after himself.
Tell him he can always move if he can find somewhere cheaper.

She absolutely isn't, but what his contribution should be is (in my opinion) modified by the fact that he isn't a stay at home parent to his step siblings. So the majority of the day to day should fall to the step mother.

In practice I think his fair share would seem quite light.