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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you expect adult stepson to help with household chores if he worked and you didn't?

209 replies

orangejuice11 · 15/08/2024 10:42

I am currently a sahp to mine and dh children and his adult son also lives here.
I do the housework and all the childcare but SS is home 3 days a week as he works compressed hours.
He doesn't feel he should do any chores as he works and I don't.
Dh works away a lot and I don't want to burden him with this but curious to see if others would expect an adult child to help out around the house in this situation?

OP posts:
WitcheryDivine · 15/08/2024 11:20

Unless he lives in a self contained flat in your house he should be contributing to all communal "stuff" that involves stuff he shares in. For example if you cook (every night?) he should be doing his share of clearing up/ helping with prep/washing up or dishwasher filling and emptying etc. If you share a bathroom he should of course have to clean it sometimes as you suggest. I think since you have kids then you/DH should do 2/3 or 3/4 or everything and he should do the remaining share. He should also do his share of things like hoovering communal spaces, bins and things like that.

keylimedog · 15/08/2024 11:22

100% he should do some chores - he's not funding you to be a SAHM and part of your job isn't to tidy up after him. Tbh his attitude needs to change, especially at his age, otherwise he's going to be one of the people that end up getting posted about on here!

You're not "at home all day" to be doing 100% of things in communal areas, you're looking after your children. I think cleaning a bathroom weekly is a small chore and part of normal living at home!

His GF is going to agree with whatever he says realistically but is just creating a rod for her own back if she plans on being with him long term!

ClaudiaWankleman · 15/08/2024 11:22

When you say his contribution covers food + bills, is mortgage included in the bills there?

While I do think he needs to contribute to the chores, I think some posters are over-allocating his share. He's 1 of 5 in the house, and almost certainly not the biggest contributor of mess and dirt!

AutumnCrow · 15/08/2024 11:26

orangejuice11 · 15/08/2024 11:18

His gf doesn't live here so it's only him, she just agrees with him that he shouldn't have to do it because I'm at home all day.

Show quote history

I imagine she visits, though? she'll be using the bathroom. Or does he always go to hers because his room is a mess?

Anyway, she's got a fair bit to learn about life; as does he. You are right to feel brassed off about this arrogance and the deprecation of your time and your identity.

thismummydrinksgin · 15/08/2024 11:27

Perhaps you need to charge a cleaning fee then!

Dotjones · 15/08/2024 11:29

I have asked that he clean the bathroom once a week on one of his days off and he thinks this is unreasonable because he's at work and earning so I should do it as I'm at home all day

Your problem is that you are not seeing this from his point of view. The way he sees it, the bathroom needs cleaning once per week at most. Men don't clean bathrooms daily, it's a weekly to monthly job. So in his eyes, why should he be wholly responsible for the task of cleaning the bathroom when you are a stay at home parent who probably should find time to give it a quick going over every seven days. Why would he do all the cleaning for you and your children?

Another way to look at it is if you clean it six days per week, missing one day in seven isn't actually going to make any difference.

Cantgetyououttamyhead · 15/08/2024 11:31

I'd tell him that from now on you won't be putting any food by for him when you cook family dinners.

Flossyts · 15/08/2024 11:31

Abso fucking lutly. Cheeky sod!

in a marriage, with shared assets including finances I can see why the partner that doesn’t work picks up the labour at home. Who the hell does he think he is 😂

YOYOK · 15/08/2024 11:32

Blimey, good luck to the girlfriend if they end up moving in together. I wonder how she’ll feel when she’s expected to look after this man child.
He can absolutely chip in with cleaning the bathroom once a week! YANBU at all.

Tbskejue · 15/08/2024 11:33

Yes of course; your DH financially supports you I would assume, not your stepson so why would he not?

Summertimer · 15/08/2024 11:35

I don’t believe in ‘chores’. If he pays to live with you, offering the occasional or even regular cooking of a meal and asking ‘can I put some washing on for you’ is more than enough

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/08/2024 11:36

When’s he planning to move out?

AnnaCBi · 15/08/2024 11:36

ClaudiaWankleman · 15/08/2024 11:08

I don't think he should be financially supporting you.

I'd expect him to make a proportionate contribution. So cleaning his room/ bathroom if he has a separate one, washing up 1/5 of every meal (assuming it's you, DP + 2 children for example), doing similar with the washing and ironing or sorting his own laundry out separately.

Overall though, you should be doing the lion's share because your, DP and the children's shares fall to you as SAHP.

I do disagree. 1/5 of
the washing up… DPs share falls to her…?! This adult is choosing to live at home
with siblings. Small children need set jobs. He should be mucking into the household he chooses to live in, especially on days off. An adult really should need a set job.

AnnaCBi · 15/08/2024 11:37

Summertimer · 15/08/2024 11:35

I don’t believe in ‘chores’. If he pays to live with you, offering the occasional or even regular cooking of a meal and asking ‘can I put some washing on for you’ is more than enough

He doesn’t pay rent, he’s not a lodger! He pays enough to cover
himself. He should be an active member of the household.

AutumnCrow · 15/08/2024 11:38

Is he quite a young 23, OP?

His reasoning is somewhat (western world) teenagery. And as pp have said, these men don't make for the best life partners and fathers and get posted about on MN a lot by wives and girlfriends on the verge of mental breakdowns.

I'm not sure there's much you can realistically do, except encourage him to 'find his freedom' and move out, pitching it as the best thing for him and his burgeoning independence. Play to the ego. Tell him he's getting too old to be having the lady of the house cooking his tea.

Greenhedge1 · 15/08/2024 11:39

He needs to be moving out.
Stop cooking for him.

Tell your husband you are NOT accepting his son's attitude especially as he is away so much.

You are not a skivvy and he needs to tell him to move out.

He's a 23 year old CF and YANBU.

As for his girlfriends opinion?🙄
Let HER clean up after him.

Porridgey · 15/08/2024 11:39

My adult DC work slightly more hours than I do (we all work). They don't have regular chores because policing that is harder work than doing them! but neither would dream of objecting if I ask them to e.g. put the bins out, clean the bathroom, put the hoover round, mow the lawn.

tortiecat · 15/08/2024 11:41

What a prince among men.

His girlfriend is daft too.

Of course he should help out.
People work, pay rent/mortgage, buy food AND sort their home - the costs of the first two don't cover the second.

He can step up and help out or go find his own place - is your DH supportive of this?

tortiecat · 15/08/2024 11:41

Third, rather!

ClaudiaWankleman · 15/08/2024 11:42

AnnaCBi · 15/08/2024 11:36

I do disagree. 1/5 of
the washing up… DPs share falls to her…?! This adult is choosing to live at home
with siblings. Small children need set jobs. He should be mucking into the household he chooses to live in, especially on days off. An adult really should need a set job.

Show quote history

Of course DP's share falls to her - she is her DP's SAHP. If she wasn't a SAHP then chores would be split 1/3 (excluding children) but since she is, she takes that on.

Personally I don't think he should have to 'muck in' to a household where children are being raised full time in the home - that isn't his business. He isn't a parent to those children and doesn't need to contribute equally to the environment they're being brought up in. He just needs to contribute his share.

Flossyts · 15/08/2024 11:42

orangejuice11 · 15/08/2024 11:11

I cook a family meal and put him some up, he does his own washing and I don't go near his room.
I have asked that he clean the bathroom once a week on one of his days off and he thinks this is unreasonable because he's at work and earning so I should do it as I'm at home all day, his gf agrees with him which is why I wondered if I was wrong to expect that.

Show quote history

Bold of his gf to voice her opinion on this topic! She must be daft to encourage his behaviour if she plans on living with him one day 😂

Summertimer · 15/08/2024 11:43

AnnaCBi · 15/08/2024 11:37

He doesn’t pay rent, he’s not a lodger! He pays enough to cover
himself. He should be an active member of the household.

Show quote history

Sounds like board money - aka what I said shrug 🤷‍♀️

Home is about family and love not active membership whatever that means

Not1Not2Butt3Holes · 15/08/2024 11:43

I assume he uses the bathroom? In that case he can clean it. If he lived by himself he'd have to clean everywhere or live in a filthy mess. He's under your roof so he can pull his weight. Lazy bugger.

DinnaeFashYersel · 15/08/2024 11:44

All adults should contribute to household tasks. He is being a complete CF.

InformEducateEntertain · 15/08/2024 11:45

Charge him extra for his share of the 'maid' services